Cliff Burton

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If Cliff doesnt like you, he will say it to your face!
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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Cliff Burton.

Cliff Burton was sent down from God to be a legendary bassist and make sure Metallica stays metal as heck. By the age of 6 months, he had played piano for a total of 4 hours and nonetheless rocked hardcore, even though the piano is decidedly non-metal. At the age of 3 he began his domination of the bass world. He got ridiculously good at it, and by his teens he was the most popular person on Earth because he was so godlike at bass. Since he was so awesome in every way possible, everyone wanted him to be in a band, so he joined a band called "Tr00ness Causes Trauma" but that would soon end.

Metallica[edit]

Since he was sent down to Earth to make Metallica tr00 and kilt, God randomly made James Hetfield (Metallics Yodeling) phone Cliff Burton and by surprise, Cliff Burton would only go if they brought him to a McDonald's in some other city since they didn't sell yogurt in the city they were currently in. When Metallica relocated in some other city's McDonald's, they only sold Ice Cream but Cliff Burton didn't mind so they stayed there and Cliff joined the band.

Over the years with Metallica, they made really awesome albums & singles (+ 1 double) entitled:

  • How to Kill All Mockingbirds
  • Kill 'em All
  • Riding the Bottles
  • Master of Puppets
  • Creeping Death
  • The tr00 Single
  • The kilt Single
  • The tr00 + kilt Double
  • Some Kind Of Monster
  • Breath Madcregivic
  • ...And Furries for All

The Fellowship of the Ring[edit]

After his hit singles released in St. Wanker, Cliff Burton was visited by Lars Ulrich's father, Gandalf the Grey, and received a ring that was said to give ultimate power on the guitar. Cliff teamed up with that-Danish-douch-lord, Marty FrIED-man Tempura, Japan's favourite immigrant that plays guitar (OMG ITZ T3H WHITE GUY!), a local Phillipino pr0n star, James-a-het-a-fierd Sama, some scene faggots, and the Six Flags old guy to destroy the ring once and for all. He was attacked by many tourbuses along the way who coveted the ring, but Harry Potter came upon a broom and switched from the dark side a.k.a. the Megadesu-holy-shit-Dave-Mustard-can't-sing-if-his-balls-were-attached-to-a-voice-activated-nuclear-bomb side. He used his coitus interruptus spell on Kirk and James along the way and cleared a path to Mt. Fade to Fag. Dave Mustard, angry with the betrayal of Harry Potty, sent hoards of Tour Buses to attack Cliff. All of the scene faggots died, for a good cause. Nobody missed them. The six flags guy kind of just disappeared due to his contract expiring with Cliff Burton a.k.a. BASS-GAWD-with-the-wah-pedal-that-doesn't-abuse-it-like-Kirk-Hammett. On the way up to Mt. Fade to Fag, James Hetfield stole the ring. Cliff gave up and went back to playing the bass. Lar's father, Gandalf, decided that James was a good keeper of the ring, but warned him that it will eventually corrupt him. Between the 90's/St. Wanker era, that exact thing happened. Gandalf later showed up at Jame's sexy party, that was held whilst Francesca was out trying to find a cure for her giant nose, to bitch slap him and take the ring back until the second reincarnation of James Hetfield, the Chuck Norris of thrash metal.

Death[edit]

After recording those Uber-sweet albums, the band went on a Uber-sweet tour, and then the Pagan God of Pop went to go kill Cliff Burton because he was the source of Metallica's tr00 and kiltness. Obviously, in order to stop a force that awesome, one has to destroy the source, and when Cliff Burton was battling Kirk Hampster in an epic Yu-Gi-Oh card game to decide who was going to sleep on the top bunk in their inappropriately crappy tour bus, the pagan god made Cliff Burton draw the left arm of the Forbidden One and win.

While Cliff was sleeping on the top bunk, the pagan god returned to accomplish his vague plan. He created a patch of banana peels to make the bus slip. The bus went over this patch of banana peels like nothing, but then out of nowhere, the bus ran over nothing and Cliff Burton flew out the window in one of the most epic real-life stunt sequences never captured on film. Cliff walked away with a few broken bones and a sprained ankle, but he fully recovered within 45 minutes.

Since Cliff Burton didn't die, the "Final Destination" effect kicked in, making freak accidents meant to kill Cliff Burton happen everywhere he went. Since Cliff Burton had an impenetrable aura of sheer awesomeness, he dodged all of these occurrences, causing everyone else to get hurt. Ex-drummer (now trashcan banger) Lars Ulrich lost his drumming skills due to a potato hitting him in the head that made him lose 3/4 of his brain functions. This potato-based attack was a feat not pulled off since the gangstas did it during the potato famine of 1956 at Hoodstock.

Eventually, Cliff Burton's life ended when the band was touring again and Cliff Burton was as high as a kite (on metal, not drugs. Cliff is too cool for marijuana.) while the band went past the same road with the banana peels. Cliff Burton realized that then was a good opportunity to allow the pagan god to succeed in killing him, as the world would spontaneously combust if any more albums were made with him involved. Cliff then jumped off the roof of the bus, fell 400 feet down the side of a mountain into a pile of rusty nails, got up, and drank cyanide, kindly provided to him by the pagan god. However, even these events could not kill Cliff, so he climbed the Stairway to Heaven (after killing the pagan god of pop for being such a failure) and rented an apartment where he currently resides.

After Cliff's Death[edit]

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Ever since Cliff had passed, Metallica hired a new bassist named Jason Newsted, who wasn't as tr00 as Cliff Burton. Formerly metallic drummer Ulrich began to lose so many brain cells that he convinced James Hatfield to put more emphasis on his country stylings. As these crappy albums were being made, Lars slowly lost his drumming skills and Lars convinced James to start yodeling and Kirk to leave his wah pedal on ALL THE TIME. Lars also convinced the band to cut their balls off. Lars officially became a bitch.

As Lars was doing all these untr00 and unkvlt doings, Cliff Burton watched in disappointment as the band he loved, started to die.

Cliff is now in heaven eating banana peels and teaching dead untr00 people how to be ever tr00, hoping that someday, a band will be tr00 forever.

BE ADVISED: Every time there is a storm and you hear what you think is thunder, it isn't thunder. It is just Cliff's freaking incredible bass playing during a jam session with Jesus and his all star thrash metal band (Ronnie James Dio, Keith Moon, Chuck Schuldiner, Jimi Hendrix).


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