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There are many types of climbing, but all involve alcohol, cannabis and some seriously unattractive grunting. Vertical progress up an unlikely looking piece of scenery is often a secondary goal, but this is often hard, while alcohol makes failure less painful and macho noises can be made even while falling off to make sure that everyone watching knows you fell off something really hard. Noises made may range from subtle whimpering to full on impersonations of hippopotami giving birth.

The tamest type of 'real' climbing is called top roping. This, being inherently safe as long as the climbers who set the rope up haven't exceeded 10 pints, is incredibly unattractive to the true climber, who doesn't like the idea of actually working on their strength or technique, just on getting hammered and scaring themselves shitless, giving them plenty of anecdotes for trying to convince members of the opposite sex that they are incredibly hardcore and should be slept with at the first available opportunity. This only ever works on fellow climbers, who are by definition equally drunk and stoned.

Bouldering is a completely different art form involving slowly and methodically rubbing the skin off the hands until a state of bloody rawness is achieved, this can then be shown off in the pub and used to get sympathy sex.

Sport climbing involves clipping a rope into cemented- or glued-in bolts as one ascends from the ground. Since this has the potential for large falls, injuries, and screaming, this is more hardcore than top roping. However, it is only real climbing if the bolts are an inordinately long way apart, rusty, and sometimes completely missing in favour of a shoelace tied through a small hole in the rock.

One step more hardcore is what is known as trad climbing. This involves wedging little bits of metal in cracks in the rock as and when the climber can be bothered, and hoping very hard that they don't come out in case of a fall. Technical difficulty is not normally an issue, just getting high enough to take pictures which can be used to shock non-climbers into worship. Some people do like doing incredibly hard climbs with bugger all protection, they are all sponsored to do so, mentally disabled, and/or already dead.

The ultimate hardcore climbing is called soloing, which involves no ropes or protection. This is often taken to as a last resort when climbing has taken over someone's life so completely that they don't have any friends left, and consequently no one to hold onto the other end of the rope (known as belaying). Deep water soloing - climbing over water without protection - is possibly the best thing in the world, apart from deep water soloing while drunk and stoned, and possibly being sucked off at the same time. Sex during climbing is know as 'clucking'. [1] 'Ze important thing to remember is, ve are climbers who fuck, not fuckers who climb'.


Falls happen a lot during climbing, mainly due to the alcohol, weed, and lack of sleep typical to members of the genus 'climbus climba'. Falls are graded into the following categories:

Lob: dull, no use for anecdotes.

Whipper: Not quite painful enough to be hardcore.

Screamer: Allows for some good vocal gymnastics before the rope comes taught. Large, muscular he-man types with giant genitalia tend to scream like little girls, whereas diminutive girls (who generally climb better than their stacked boyfriends) often just giggle on the way down. This is deeply disconcerting, and actually quite erotic.

Zipper: All the gear rips out during trad climbing, effectively unzipping the climber from the wall. Lots of potential for showing off in the pub later.

Crater: As above, but the ground gets in the way. Saves digging a grave.


Climbing terminology includes the following terms:



Cracks (esp. wet or greasy ones, requiring fist jamming)



Fist jams





Swapping leads


Climbers as sexual partners[edit]

  • They use protection except when they can't be bothered
  • They think friction is a good thing
  • They keep going when it hurts
  • Firm slopers or jugs
  • Great technique, perfect bodies
  • Already own ropes and harnesses
  • Can juggle nuts
  • Always top out
  • Never wear more clothing than is absolutely necessary
  • Love posing for cameras
  • Grunt when the going gets tough
  • Will work around vegetation, but prefer less overgrown cracks
  • Make sure everyone gets a lead
  • Have massive racks, or penises.
  • Don't care if we're bleeding
  • Love a good fist jam in a greasy crack
  • Don't mind drawing a crowd
  • And they're great in bed.

See also[edit]