Clint Eastwood

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You really might as well direct yourself to Jesus Christ

“I'm Scared of That Sexy, Hairy Prick.”

~ Chuck Norris on Clint Eastwood

“I know what you're thinking, punk”

~ Professor X on Clint Eastwood

“I've got the fastest Zimmer in the west.”

~ Clint Eastwood on The West

“I have reason to believe that Clint Eastwood is an alien from outerspace”

~ Tommy Lee Jones during a discussion with fellow alien fighter Will Smith

“I would love to touch his Eastwood.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Clint Eastwood

“Go ahead, make my day”

~ Ronald Reagan on raising welfare payments

The Omnipotent Clint Eastwood, in 1955

[edit] History

Five minutes after Mr. Eastwood was born he blew a hole in JFK's face then went on to sleep like a baby. Clint "Dirty Hairy/Harry Rotten Crotch" East"woody-wood pecker"wood first began his acting career at the age of 44 in 1912 at a saloon in San Fransisco. It was here were he mastered his most famous "squint" and mastered the art of shooting a .44 Magnum which may or not have been fired six times or only five. It was through the art of the Jedi mind trick that he starred in his first full length blaxploitation porn flick entitled "Dirty Harry" where he played Carl Weathers in a special guest role as Clint Eastwood playing a San Franscisco cop who does BAD MOTHERFUCKIN' SHIT. NO QUESTIONS ASKED PUNK.

In 1973 Eastwood adopted a young carpenter named Harrison Ford and proceeded to train him in the techniques taught taught by John Wayne.

The year 2000 was especially memorable for Eastwood as the UN passed Resolution 3551. This document bestows upon Eastwood the sole right to the title "The Man". In legal terms this means that, as of 2000, Clint Eastwood should be referred to as: The Man, Clint Eastwood. This term has entered into popular usage with many anti-establishment groups using the phrase "Sticking it to The Man" to show their disapproval of Eastwood.

[edit] Greatest Masterpieces

Filmmakers of the World (and America)

Epic Visionaries

Michelangelo Antonioni Ingmar Bergman Don Bluth Peter Bogdanovich Coen Brothers Clint Eastwood Francis Ford Coppola Federico Fellini Mel Gibson Terry Gilliam Jim Jarmusch Abbas Kiarostami Stanley Kubrick Sergio Leone David Lynch Martin Scorsese Andrei Tarkovsky Steven Spielberg Quentin Tarantino Unrelated Quote Guy Orson Welles Ed Wood

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay Uwe Boll John Carpenter David Cronenberg Peter Jackson George Lucas Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer George Romero Eli Roth M. Night Shyamalan Blitz Smith Alan Smithee John Woo

Highly Respected in France

Woody Allen Darren Aronofsky Jean-Luc Godard Fritz Lang Rob Schneider François Truffaut

Highly Confusing in Japan

Dario Argento Akira Kurosawa Russ Meyer Hayao Miyazaki Mr. Takashi of Japan

Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro

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• Clint Eastwood created The Panwaffle Mansion in an attempt to show his love for all his children by building a Temple/Restaurant/Strip Mall. Here, not only can universal amnesty and forgiveness could be found, but great Food and low, low prices are heavily abundant.

• One of Clint Eastwood's Greatest Gifts to mankind was the digital watch. Before it, millions of helpless people struggled just to stay alive while trying to use absurd analog watches and clocks. These were not the fault of Clint Eastwood, but rather that of foolish scientists trying to play God! Now people can compartamentalize their lives without having to discern the meaning of clockwork hands and instead read the numbers directly.

• The Computer Monitor was Clint Eastwood's latest divine intervention. He saw people blindly clicking around on their computers and said to himself "Behold the Awesome". This action was so immensely powerful, that no human alive at the time can remember exactly what happened, but that is why computers have become so popular and useful.

• The Art Film The Good the Bad and the Ugly about the beauty contest he won despite being pressed closely by Lee Van Cleef and Eli Wallach.

• In the 70's, Clint Eastwood starred in a series of movies about the life of a character called Dirty Harry, who was a dirty and hairy police detective who blew away criminals with his 44 Magnum Ice Creams. Rumor has it that his role in this movie was so badass that even Chuck Norris bowed down to his sheer badassness. Also spawned 5 or 6 gazillion sequels (ah who cares, I lost count after Metal Gear Solid 76: The Enforcer).

[edit] Notable Achievements

Clint made a special appearance in an episode of the Pokemon anime series. However that episode was banned, due to Clint's sheer badassness, and for Ash's extremely bad luck.

Aside from being God, Clint Eastwood was the first modern day scientist to fully reveal the secrets of Cigar. He also created all life on earth, as well as being the first deity to enforce equal employment opportunities at his restaurant, The Panwaffle Mansion. However one of his greatest accomplishments was the creation of colour television, however he is rarely credited with it.

Once ate a waffle this big.

Proven in a 1997 poll to be the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Rumored to have died in 1885 after traveling back in time and driving a train into a gorge in Hill Valley, California.

Went 10 rounds with Vivienne Westwood and lived to tell the tale!

[edit] Super Cool Fun Facts and Trivia!

Trivia sections are making my Day!

The article could be improved by reading it upside-down, or something, I dunno. Did you know it's impossible to lick your own elbow? Unless you're some kind of freak.

• Clint Eastwood stars in the sequel to EarthBound. His special attacks involve beating people with sticks and being a badass cowboy.
• Clint Eastwood took the Pokemon slogan, "Gotta Catch 'Em All!," as a personal challenge. To date, he has caught 500, including Qui-Gonmon, Enronmon, Milliondollarmanmon and Squirtle.
• Clint Eastwood was the first President of the United States to achieve both President and Vice President positions simultaneously, (however, the only person watching was Michael Moore, and no one believes him anyway).
• Clint Eastwood is the owner of The Panwaffle Mansion, (though if you ask him, he'll deny it).
• Clint Eastwood can manifest himself in unwary Cigar smokers.
• Clint Eastwood is immortal, since he is an alien Robot.
• Clint Eastwood once ate a whole fudgesicle in a single bite. And survived.
• Clint Eastwood is, in fact, a Belgian national. He believes that this will give him immunity from impeachment.
• If you ever look directly into Clint Eastwood's eyes you will immediately spontaneously combust. Only Ving Rhames has ever done this and survived.
• Clint Eastwood is the first humanoid lifeform ever to be imprisoned in Azkaban - for the mere fact that the mortals of the time didn't understand the genius of his way-ahead-of-their-time Westerns. This was filmed into a movie, "Escape From Azkaban", with Eastwood playing himself.
• Clint Eastwood, despite his hard exterior, is a very lonely man and is always wishing for someone to come into his life and "make his day"
• Clint Eastwood is one badass cowboy
• Eastwood Ravine in Hill Valley, California was named after Him in 1885 after defeating Mad Dog Tannen in a Gunfight!
• Clint Eastwood and Chuck Norris once got in a fight. It was called a draw once they had both lost all their limbs and had resorted to simply glaring at each other. Their limbs have since grown back and they are now good friends.
• Clint Eastwood could probably destroy a Grue if they didn't run!!
• Clint Eastwood can draw faster than any person, even Leonardo da Vinci
• During World War II, Clint Eastwood shot down most of the German Luftwaffe with a pair of Peacemakers, and only had to reload twice.
• Clint Eastwood was the only man ever to have been allowed into Hugh Heffner's bed.
• In the immensely popular video game series, Metal Gear Solid, Clint Eastwood was to be the original voice actor for Solid Snake, even in Japan, but gave the role to David Hayter at the last minute because the .44 Magnum never appeared in the game.
• Clint Eastwood could hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing in the Andromeda galaxy
• Clint Eastwood was once addicted to cocaine, heroin, marijuana, Roofies, Alcohol, Chrystal Methanol, Tylenol, GHB, Steroids, Oxycontin, Nicotene, and Ecstasy all at the same time. He claims to have gotten over his addiction in rehab, but no one really knows for sure.
• In order to survive, Clint Eastwood must eat 20 to 40 million times his body weight in kelp and assorted plankton each day.
• Clint Eastwood was asked to sink the Battleship Yamato, after entire US Navy had failed. He sunk it with one shot from has .44 magnum and the ricochet sunk it's sister ship the Musashi.
• Clint Eastwood is constantly followed by a dog, whose head he uses to spit tobacco on.
• Clint Eastwood can recite all 43 presidents in less than a quarter of a second.
• Clint Eastwood vaccinated an entire village in Yugoslavia against smallpox during his summer vacation in 2005.
• Clint Eastwood invented the I'm Feeling Lucky feature on Google.
• If Clint Eastwood were ever to somehow stop existing, the resulting tempa-celestial paradox would oblitorate all of the known universe.
• Clint Eastwood's mere existence led to the creation of the being known as Stud Muffin.
• Clint Eastwood is completely immune to Shock Victims.
• Clint Eastwood started the first cult of Cat-Satan
• Clint Eastwood is the Crimson King in disguise
• Clint Eastwood has to shave with an M-16 or a chainsaw. The only organic matter that can tame Clint's facial hair is Bruce Lee.
• Clint Eastwood once took a piss in the direction of the sun and put it out.

v • d • e All-American Role Models and Rejects

Aunt Jemima | Bob Saget |Bruce Campbell | Cap'n Crunch | Carrot Top | Cheese Jesus | Chuck Norris | Clint Eastwood | Count Chocula | Courtney Love | Eric Cartman | Hanson | Hillary Clinton | Joe Camel | John Travolta's Hair | Knight Rider | MacGyver | Mr. T | Napoleon Dynamite | Paris Hilton | Pillsbury Doughboy | Rainbow Brite | Renaldo Lapuz | Ronald McDonald | Sean Connery | Sarah Palin | Sloth | Timmy Turner | Titshugger Penishead McFucknutter | Trix Rabbit | Uncle Ben | Uncle Phil | Vanilla Ice | William Hung | Willy Wonka | Wonder Woman | Yogi Bear | Your Mom

[edit] Later Years

In his later years, Clint Eastwood spent his time with his lover, Thao Eastwood, whom he married after his wife died. They both live peacefully in their Highland Park home. Currently, Eastwood is part of the Hmong gang, but still keeps in touch with his western roots, dating back all the way to when the dinosaurs chased Lucky the Laprechaun in what is now Oregon. Clint Also lives with his "Italian Prick" barber for the weekends.