Clitoris

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“It's just like playing NES, with a little blowing and wiggling you're bound to hit the sweet spot sooner or later..”

~ Oscar Wilde on Clitoris

Clitoris was an ancient Greek's god of fun. According to the old saying: "Look for it wherever you want, but you won't find it." In modern times a serious and profound search was done, and clitoris was finally found by a small group of scientists on the Olympos mountain. The leader of the group, Jane Niccols told the press: "When my men found it, they spent 3 days by studying it. It was great!"

The plural of clitoris is clitori, the collective noun is a "snatch" of clitori.

Great devotion to this god causes, according to the old chronicles great tongue-ache and fish fingers.

County Longford Institute of Technology, a.k.a. C.L.I.T. was the ancient den of sexual education dedicated to the Irish High Priestess 'Medb', on the fair isle of Hibernia. Entrance examinations to the school was rumoured to have been particularly difficult, and pupils were only admitted following rigourous, continuous and seemingly tireless attention to what was known the as "Bealach an Blath Bandearg".

Contents

[edit] History

  • Before 1992: The clitoris was only a myth, a story told at bedtime to little girls to give them hope, and to adolescent boys to keep them awake at night. Since time immemorial women have nagged on about it, and brave men have died trying to find it.
  • 1992: The first clitoris is created in Alabama High School For the Bright and Upcoming Young Children within the 91st District. It consists of Bob Hoven, Joost Tijsen, Daniel Lerma, Helms Gorgina, and Frother Ulanda, who would later become leading pioneers of the clitoris. This group, at its peak, involves over nine thousand people. Today, it is a community service group that focuses on drug abuse awareness.
  • 1993: Clitorises spread like wildfire. Louisiana, Maryland, and Canada high schools adopt clitorises.
  • 1994: Mike Chambers, a Nova Scotian born man, pioneers the Clitoris Hunt; now an annual event which is the only time per year when a man can find acl itoris without the help of a woman.
  • 1995: The hit movie Oh My God, My Clitoris is on Fire released. Although it does poorly at the box office, it develops a cult following.
  • 1996: The sequel Oh My God, My Clitoris is Crumbling to the movie Oh My God, My Clitoris is On Fire is released. Widely considered a failure, VHS versions of the movies were burnt on a weekly basis in clitorises around the country in an act of irony, although clitoris historians to this day argue amongst each other if it indeed was irony.
  • 1999: The first Clitoris Party is created in Alabama. They field their first candidate, Helms Gorgina, an enthusiastic and charismatic young individual and a lover of cats.
  • 2001: Clitorises around the country celebrate the true millennium.
  • 2002: Clit-hating begins. The public is turned off by the clitoris related violence. Clitoris turnout at an all-time low since 1994.
  • 2004: At UC Santa Cruz, the Women's Studies department attempted to change their name to a hierographic of a clitoris giving you the middle finger. "As far as we're concerned, every letter in the entire English language is another euphemism for a penis."
  • 2005: Clitorises begin an aggressive marketing campaign aimed at young adults, especially on college campuses.
  • 2007: Ann Coulter admits on the Rush Limbaugh show that her Adam's apple is actually a displaced clitoris. (Controversy exists over this claim however, as there is evidence that it is actually a testicle from a paramour)
  • 2010: it is speculated by brilliant, beautiful and utterly sexy professor Melanie Oostveen that there might be other clitorii in space.
  • 2016: Clitori team up with penai seeking world domination.
  • 2019: Mankind perishes.

[edit] The Alabama Clit

The Alabama Clit was born in 1991 among the watchful eyes of eager highschool students. Doubters said it couldn't be done, but these youngsters really showed them.

The Alabama Clit is on display in Auburn, Alabama at the Museum of Southern Clits on West Gay Street near the heart of Auburn.

The Alabama Clit then went on to sell clams to nazi sailors in the mediteraenian sea.

[edit] The British Clit

Despite popular thought on the issue, it is now widely accepted by experts on the issue that British women do not have a Clitoris. This fantastic and likely false interpretation of biology has freed up many a man hour otherwise spent blindly chasing female fulfillment. (lol)

British men can now be found engaged in infinitely more enjoyable activities such as competing in mortal combat via games console on FIFA and COD4. This has surprisingly had little impact on teenage pregnancy rates, likely because chav's cant afford playstations or free condoms.

[edit] Uses of the Clitoris

The clitoris has no known practical use or application apart from generating intense pleasure in its owner, who is without exception female. This fact has been a source of intense irritation to males down the ages, who have thought it extremely unfair, as they possess no equivalent organ (except for the penis) and they don't damn well see why women should have all the fun. Out of envy and spite, female circumcision (clitoridectomy: surgical removal of the clitoris) has been widely practised by primitive tribes and some not so primitive societies.[also commonly practiced on new-born girls in the USA due to prissy American attitudes to female sexuality]. However, the ensuing clitoral transplants (into males) have not so far been successful, possibly for neurological reasons, or even because men don't like scalpels cutting up their dicks.

This is a subject of continuing research, and clitoris donors are in much demand.

So far as anybody can tell, paying constant attention to the clitoris during foreplay and copulation is the only way to keep the woman, clitoris and, thus the vagina in coitus until the completion of the conjugal act.

The clitoris is often used in female masturbation. In fact this is its main use throughout the western world. In developing countries peanut butter, bananas, or powdered clitoris extract can be substituted.

[edit] The Clitoris Song

Found on an ancient runestone in Goidschalxoord. it is believed by translator Imanuel d'Anjou that this song was sung by the ancient Germanic tribesmen by way of worship. it was found on a boulder which in shape resembled a clitoris. in colour too, given its pink/purple appearence.

sampie ent mosio zatenu in een doosio. tun leet sampie ene skeet, tun weerd de heele doosio heet, tun leet mosio daar noch ene par, tun spatta de heele doosio uut elkar!

TRANSLATION

Sampie and Moosie were sitting in a box. then sampie farted, then the whole box grew hot, then moosie let out some others as well, and then the whole box blew up!

We are still working out what this has to do with clitorii.

[edit] Origins

It is widely accepted that the clitoris is made from excess belly-button skin and it's sweat glands contain the grease left over from pan-fried and bread-crumbed birdseye cod.


[edit] Examples of Clitorises

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