Coke

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“In Soviet Russia, Coke® banned.”

~ Russian Reversal on the state-capitalist system which banned delicious Western sugar water for no discernible reason
Cocaine4.jpg

Safety concerns aside, Coke® is a stimulant of the central nervous system and an appetite suppressant, creating what has been described as a euphoric sense of happiness and increased energy. Coke® can be psychologically addictive, and its possession, cultivation, and distribution is illegal for non-medicinal / non-government sanctioned purposes in virtually all parts of the world. In the scientific community Coke® refers to the harmless white powder cocaine. However, in some impoverished neighborhoods, the word "Coke®" is used only when referring to the cocaine present in Coca Cola.

The meaning of the name[edit]

There is an urban legend that the Chinese translation for "Coca-Cola" is "huge sugar watered dildo." Fortunately, many gullible Westerners who know a lot of Chinese regard this as true. It has even made it into a book. These authors are guilty of neglecting basic research to verify something they present as fact. Also the "Coke®" is used by the polish soccer team to kill locker-room germs.

By now it may be too late to reverse this bit of misinformation, since this made up BS is repeated ad infinitum by enthusiastic but ignorant Westerners. Truly, the stupidity of the masses is a mighty and unstoppable engine of destruction. Just think of how many people accidentally type killerCoke.COM instead of killerCoke.ORG.

The truth is Coca-Cola was a term created to cover up the terrible, horrible failure that was New Coke®.

Addictions to Coke®[edit]

A typical Coke®™ Head

WARNING: Coke® is a highly addictive product that may contain one, all, or more of the following:

Coke® may also contain trace amounts of cat urine and assorted ooze found in a dumpster outside the factory. All of these substances are highly addictive or poisonous, and in some states it is now illegal to purchase Coke® unless you're over the age of 18. For those already addicted, there are treatment options available. Consult your local libertarian socialist for more information.

Pepsi is another matter altogether, though by all accounts just as fucked up.

Production of Coke®[edit]

Coca Cola®: the Official Sponsor of the Russian Revolution™!

Firstly: Coca Cola was not invented, nor can it be destroyed.

Coca Cola is said to have a highly secretive formula that no human being on this Earth knows completely, however it is known to contain Dead Babies. The truth is that there is no formula. As it can be easily inferred from trying to deplete a glass or any other container with this transcendental black bubbling beverage, it can never be finished.

Of course, the only exception to this is physically breaking the Container which depletes the Coca-Cola but could cause a reaction that could destroy the world.

As experience easily shows, a single infinitesimal amount of Coke® can be split over and over again forever, seeming to actually increase its volume. The fact is that it breeds through meiosis when split up. You can try it at home by simply trying to completely finish up a glass of Coke®.

The secret source of Coke® is thus a single drop of it, that hit Earth in a meteorite or some kind of portal. It has been mineral-enriched and has since been kept in an industrial apparatus to split it thousands of times over, in a way that each droplet multiplies itself several million fold and fills each and every bottle and can of Coca Cola in the World.

One of the other factors is Coke®'s high benzene count.

WARNING: Cover Our Ass DISCLAIMER FOLLOWS: Coca-Cola is often produced on equipment that processes Fanta. As with anything commonly found in Mexico, it is potentially dangerous. To counteract the adverse effects of this beverage, it is advised you drink urine. Coca-Cola, Inc. never intends anyone in North America drink it, but we cannot be held liable for cross contamination involving Fanta.

What the Evil Bastards® at Wikipedia have to say about Coke®[edit]

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Coke.

As principal of this proud institution, I am happy to say that most students would feel privilged to enter the hallowed halls of St.C High. I've spent the last 7 yeas of my life here giving 64% effort to make this school the best that it can be. Whether its grab assing with members of the athletic teams, trying to be funny, or roaming around acting tough, I do what I can.

Someone gave out the secret formula. Quick! Get them! Seize them you fools! Prepare to die. Exterminate them.

Different Types of Coke®[edit]

A curious can of Coca Cola™ cold-canned in Canada
  • Black Syrup Distributed in Bottles™ (original name)
  • Cherry Coke®
  • Vanilla Coke®
  • Ice Cream Sundae Coke® with a Cherry on Top™
  • Zero-Taste™ Coke®
  • Pepsi-Coke®™
  • Turkey Coca Cola
  • Coca-Cola 600
  • Cock-a-Cola (Now with Sperm™!)

Cherry Coke®[edit]

Regarded as one of the most special versions of Coke® of all times, Cherry Coke® is a very unique version of Coke®. The most common use is as a stimulant while "under the covers." It makes everything better, especially for deprived band females who need a little something more to get them going everyday.

They are many different plausible origins of Cherry Coke®, but this one makes the most sense. In the year 1202, on January 10th, the ancients Mayans supposedly came back from the dead, surrounded their pyramids that they built in Cairo, and began to throw a mysterious liquid into a deep pit. According to the most trusted source, out came a blackish liquid that smelled faintly like cherries. Reportedly, the Mayans all simultaneously began engaging each intimately, so the reporter decided to bottle some and take it home. It did not reappear until around the year 2009 with the discovery of black gold off the Israel coast, which people were led to believe was crude oil, but was actually Cherry Coke®.

See also[edit]