Cocaine

An Indian snorting coke and not giving a damn.

“I want more; I can't get enough of you!”

~ Tamia on cocaine

“I'm lovin' it!”

~ Ronald McDonald on cocaine

“Some people can handle it, and some people can’t! Personally I handle it! I been doin’ blow for years, and I ain’t got no habit!”

~ Lou from 'Far Out Man' to Tommy Chong

Cocaine, colloquially known as C, is a hard to find food additive primarily used in expensive baby food and expensive candy. It was discovered by Rick James in 1955, when Rick was playing with his pet-tortoise. Nineties research in California has concluded that cocaine probably belongs at the base of the food pyramid, and people should ingest about 10 grams a day of it to remain in optimal physical health. More recent studies have yet to confirm this, however. Because of it's supposed almost magical properties, Cocaine is also a popular topic in pop songs. Examples: Snap - I've got the Powder, Hannah Montana - Made for my Nose, Snoop Dogg - Just Sniff it

Because it is quite expensive and hard to find, many people make big efforts to acquire the healthy goodness that is cocaine. Some even claim to experience a certain "high" from ingesting it!

Forms of Cocaine

Cocaine, nature's "everlasting gobstopper".

Cocaine is normally found inside a tortoise shell which is why it is so rare. You can extract it with a special type of cotton but called a cocaine scraperer. you can buy these of most crack dealers. The trick is to get the cocaine out without killing the tortoise otherwise it loses its magical powers and becomes icing sugar. Some dealers will try and fob you off with this fake cocain but you should be able to tell the difference from smell. The best way to smell cocaine is through a rolled up note (£50 or $100 are best).

Synthetic cocaine is rare but is of much higher grade. If you ever wish to procure any, just visit one of our nation's large Universities that has a chemistry or pharmacology department. Usually you can meet some loser who seems to be the type that usually has no friends but is unexpectedly popular - these people are much more likely to manufacture pure grade-A blow for you.

When buying cocaine on the street, it's perfectly acceptable and is usually preferred to run around extremely ghetto neighbourhoods yelling at the top of your lungs, "Bring out the Cocaine!!! My nose is a burning for a WHITE LINE HOMIES!!!!" Most of the time citizens will try to sell you as much as you want, simply out of trying to get you to shut the fuck up.

Once you procure your bag of whiteness, you should smell it for impurities. Cocaine in its natural state has no odour, but it will absorb the odour of any substances around it. For example, if your coke smells like fertiliser, chances are it came through Mexico on a truck that was loaded with fertiliser. If it smells like large colon, it was probably swallowed by a drug mule and carried back into the country by the mule's small intestine, where it was excreted into a toilet in some 7-Eleven bathroom stall. If it does not make your tongue numb on first inspection, punch your drug dealer in the face, take all his money, and run like hell. Cocaine is a local anaesthetic, and while there are other white stimulants, very few can also cause your tongue to go numb. You may experience loss of feeling in the penis.

Crack Cocaine

Popular childrens game involving Cocaine. The "I'm a Romanian Immagrant snorting myself to death" version will be available in stores in the near future.

Another highly addictive form of cocaine is crack cocaine (often confused with crack). This form is a naturally occurring evaporate-silicate mineral which consists mainly of the ammonium salt of oxidised cocaine (NH₄(blow)₂). Commonly found as vein deposits from cannibalised evaporate sedimentary rocks, the valuable crack cocaine is extensively mined and exploited worldwide. Crack cocaine is also often associated with various nickel ores and deposits, although its primary sources are evaporates deposited across coastlines and behind tidal bars in the Tropics, particularly along the South American northern coast.

Although harmless in its natural solid rock state, once processed crack cocaine can suddenly transform into some mind-blowing shit. However, due to child labour involved in the extraction where children under the age of 12 can be forced to mine for crack cocaine for up to 15 hours a day in the pitch black mines, possession and trade of crack cocaine is now illegal in several western hemisphere countries.

However, in some EU countries (the UK and Germany in particular), crack cocaine in its pure ore form is a valuable resource in medicine, science and Jew hunting. Not only is the substance used as a cheaper alternative to morphine in hospitals, it is also used in the manufacture of thermostats, capacitors, toothpaste and spacecraft circuit boards due to its ability to withstand temperatures of 3200-3350 degrees Celsius without expanding or melting significantly.

How It Feels: Many users explain the feeling as if "Jesus was sucking your dick via your nostrils."

Economic power of cocaine

"It's a hell of a drug"

-Samuel L. Jackson on cocaine

The price of cocaine is strictly controlled by Western governments, as it is the stimulant of choice for the upper and middle classes of society who work for government and state infrastructure, by controlling the availability through the application of the War on Drugs. If the price gets too low, a situation usually caused when too much is accidentally allowed to enter society then poorer people can afford it, which really gets up the noses (so to speak) of the rock stars, film producers, website creators and "old money" rich people who had to work so hard to get where they are, and the poor people are more unlikely to die than they are when taking the 'poor person's drug' heroin (why this is preferable, you would need to find out from some crackhead).

Do you really want to crank it up, bucko?

However, if the price gets too high then the economy suffers due to hyper-inflation; as is well known, banknotes circulating in big cities are encrusted with enough cocaine on which to have a small private party - therefore if the price of cocaine is high enough, since coke is in short supply, the banknote on which there are traces is suddenly a highly valued commodity, far more than the stated value of the banknote. In these instances a 5 Dollar/Euro/Pound banknote might be worth twice as much owing to the cocaine content. If this banknote is purchased by the use of other coke-saturated banknotes - usually by folk so spaced by coke they aren't thinking straight - then these can also be traded for the stimulant content.

This will create an incredible demand for new money, especially newly-printed bills without coke traces, to buy up the increasingly valuable older banknotes from the people who have the ability to print the stuff (Government officials and good forgers), creating hyper inflation.

As all the money is being used to buy cocaine-enhanced banknotes the price of commodities like food and houses will fall drastically, but the only beneficiaries of this are poor people and the coke-raddled monied classes don't give a stuff about this. To prevent such scenarios the worlds Governments need to allow a certain strictly controlled amount of cocaine to enter the community. Anyway, would the Mafia be interested if it wasn't really valuable?

Pop Culture

Did you know the soft drink Coca-cola used to have cocaine in it? Yeah, coke is it. "Cocaine" was a song by Eric Clapton in the 1970's, just like a wild crazed out woman who uses a man for a "joy ride". And even Cheech and Chong "tried it but didn't inhale" the white stuff.

Example of "blow" consumption

Tommy Chong and Lou try some Cocaine: Musss be stepped on!!!

See also

• Whose Line Is It Anyway?
• Propane
• Honey
• Kitten Huffing
• Line
• The War on Drugs
• HowTo: Go to Work on Drugs - Part 1
• HowTo:Sell drugs