Coggeshall

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“My aunt came from Coggeshall. She was also my cousin, sister and mother.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Coggeshall

[edit] Coggeshall

Coggeshall is the source of all evil in the universe; that is, unless you include AOL, in which case it is the source of roughly 10% of all evil in the universe.

Coggeshall is a small town in Essex easily recognised by its inbred population of gypsies and pensioners. These, as is common knowledge, are very evil indeed.

[edit] History

Coggeshall enjoys a rich history dating back to many years ago. The town was founded over a millenium ago by a great sorcerer from Norfolk, known only as Eric. Eric worked tirelessly to provide the townsfolk of Coggeshall with all the amenities they could possibly need, including grass and a river. The people of Coggeshall, in return, loved Eric, and a statue was erected in his honour in the town centre.

In the year 1035 the town was attacked by angry hordes from neighbouring Kelvedon. The people of Kelvedon did enjoy such a good quality of life as those of Coggeshall, and often had to drink water from the river containing Coggeshall's urine and feaeces. The Kelvedon folk burned the southern outpost of the town (now known as Coggeshall Hamlet, the most inbred and intrinsically evil part of the town) to the ground and captured Eric, as well as the town's mascott, the All-Seeing Potato. A rescue mission was launched, led by Brian the Brave, which ultimately failed because Brian was not, contrary to popular belief, brave.

Following the loss of Eric and Brian (Brian ran away from a rat in 1041 and was never seen again), the town fell into a Great Depression (not to be confused with the economic Great Depression of the early 1930s). Suicide rates in the town sky-rocketed and by the end of 1099 there were only two people left in the town, Mary the Mysterious and Peter the Toothless. It was their repopulation of the town that caused the massive inbreeding that is apparent in the town today.

During the 1400s the town was reknowned for its expertise the manufacture of door knobs. Nowhere could one buy a better door knob at this time. Unfortunately, cheap labour in the Third World towns and villages in the upper Colne valley caused the door knob trade to migrate north towards the end of the 15th century and Coggeshall was, quite literally, rubbed off the map. The town was rediscovered in 1714 by William the Unfaithful (he had eighteen wives and not one of them knew about any of the others until their children began to make friends with other children with the same bent nose and satellite-dish ears. In Coggeshall this would have been perfectly normal, but William originated from Lexden, which was far less inbred than Coggeshall at this time). The history of Coggeshall between the migration of the door knob industry and the town's rediscovery is unknown, as the town went unvisited by outsiders and the locals could not read or write (in fact, most still can't).

There was a civil war in Coggeshall between 1768 and 1845, which began as a Tavern brawl between John of Tilkey and his second cousin twice removed, Anthony of Grange Hill, and escalated beyond all proportions thanks to the relatives of the two men (the whole town) joining the fight. A peace treaty was signed by the leaders of the two divisions of the family (town) in a small house in Jaggard's Road in the summer of 1845. It is thought that the treaty was signed in time for the annual harvest, because over the previous years of the war the farmers had found themselves fighting (often to the death) over the ownershp of land.

Coggeshall was unaffected by the World Wars of the 20th century, largely due to all entrances and exits to the town being blocked by the military in 1912 in order to contain the inbred population. This proved an unnecessary measure, as the blockades were not discovered by the inhabitants of the town until the spring of 1960, when Jeremy the Rotund ventured toward Kelvedon wielding an axe and a bag of onions.

Coggeshall is currently undergoing a major redevelopment program in order to clear the shanty town that has gradually built up around the Westfield Drive area.

[edit] Significance

• Coggeshall is used by the British government as an example of the consequences of shagging your own sister.
• The automobile was invented in Coggeshall when somebody attached wheels and an exhaust pipe to a mule.
• Coggeshall has won the 'Family of the Year' prize twice. (Yes - the whole town).
• Margaret Thatcher, known as Britains evilest old bag, is said to have visited Coggeshall monthly in order to absorb as much evil as possible.
• Coggeshall is home to the world's tallest men. It's actually one man standing on another man's shoulders, but it's good enough for them.
• Rumour has it that the famous 'chicken and egg' argument was solved in Coggeshall in 1873. The man who supposedly solved the argument died in suspicious circumstances involving a mob of angry chickens.

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