Coheed and Cambria
“They just ripped me off”
“Rush, Iron Maiden, and Star Wars had a baby.”
“He has cool hair.”
“I'm not saying Claudio's voice is hot, but if the Boner Police are here, then I demand a lawyer!.”
Coheed And Cambria are a popular prog rock agricultural band that spread the messages of love and free-range products throughout their songs.
Once upon a time, the Devil was brushing his hair with his infamous My Little Pony hairbrush. Having yanked out all the knots in the Devils curls, he sat around bored. For kicks, he decided to animate the hair and thus Claudio Sanchez was born. Claudio ascended from Hell and found himself in an old farm. Training his skills in witchcraft and rockery, Claudio developed a murder technique using psycological tension, created by contrast between his vocal tone, (Used under license from Alvin and The Chipmunks) and his apperance (Easily comparable to some kind of South American bearded Lumberjack). This tension liquifies the brains of all who hear Claudio's singing, causing the vital organ to ooze out of the victim's ears - thus the decline in the dolphin and dog populations. This condition has been officially named as "Coheed and Cambritis" or "Too Much Awesome".
Gathering up local farmers, Claudio's mane caressed their faces and they were suddenly granted with musical properties to enable the evil Sanchez to continue his plan of planting ideas of farming into the minds of teens (this is where the space farming story comes into play, to distract them from the wave of backwards messages in each song).
And hey, they got popular and probably laid.
Singer Claudio Sanchez is currently giving Coheed and Cambria CDs to all the 20-year-old emos of the world, under the nickname Santa Claudio.
The Story of Co-head and Kambria
The story is told in several different parts. The first album, The Second Level Combine Harvester Blade, is the second part of the story and is the start of Co-heed's quest to find Key Workers in agriculture to return to their posts, yet it is the first album.
It starts with some guy and a chick who need to kill their children to save the world... But one of the kids, Claudio, lives and the parents die somehow and then the kid wants to get revenge or something.
The second album, In Keeping Cows in Silent Barns: 3, continues with Claudio waking up to find himself bleeding in the middle of summer. He gets a tampon, and puts it in. He hitches a ride from a racist serial killer named Weird Al in his camper, which he named Veronica, or something. In fact, Weird Al happened to like naming inanimate objects, like his shotgun, which he named The Failure of Heart. Al drove Co-heed to his house in the Atlantic Ocean, which could never sink due to the fact that several Crows held it above the water.
Good God,We Can't Figure Out What The Hell This Long And Pointless Album Title Means, IV Volume One: From Rain Through The Hay & Turf, is the third album. No one knows exactly what the hell happens here, but it has something to do with Weird Al's demon-worshiping uni-cycle. Oh yeah and this bitch get her skanky ass stabbed. Claudio becomes the "Moaning" and becomes emo and starts to cry and shit. The last songs are about him getting revenge. Again.
Volume Two is supposedly the end of the story, featuring Claudio's mother, Mother Superfluous, pulling the trigger of the Failure of Heart just in time to save him from his brother's Blood Machine. At this point Claudio's voice finally cracks and the story is left unfinished.
The Beginning of Co-head and Cumbria
From Humble Beginnings
The beginning of the band Co-head and Cumbria began when the lead female vocalist, Claudio, was taking a fat dump in the toilet. After proceeding out of the bathroom without flushing, Claudio went back to her room and got some co-head from his soon to be band member Miguel. A week later after sufficient growth Claudio's dump became so noxious, that the fumes filled up his welcome home, and soon put him in a coma. After awaking from his coma, Claudio soon discovered that he had gotten major brain damage, and had gone mostly deaf. His brain damage then lead him to name his dump "Paris" (Many think it was after Paris Hilton, who he supposedly met while getting Co-head from Miguel), and wrote a story about it. The story also included farming for an unknown reason (Supposedly, it's Claudio's second favourite past time, second only to masturbating).
Thanks to the near-suffocation of Claudio, as well as the injuries and burns his vocal chords received, his voice changed. In a change that one could only describe as "puberty in reverse", Claudio's voice became much akin to that of a 5-year-old girl. Thinking his career was over, he broke up "Shit", and the Dragonforce lawsuit was quickly dropped. After recovering from this incident, Claudio tried his hand at singing again, and succeeded, sort of. As put by lead guitarist, and Mexican immigrant Miguel, "It's not great, but it will work. It's really fucking high and whiny, but at least it's on key. Sort of. I think homeland security's gonna fucking get me." After replacing their deceased bassist, eating their drummer's brains, and replacing him too, He reformed "Shit", changing their name to Shadoobie to avoid another lawsuit. As Shadoobie, they released a couple EPs, but nothing too major.
Co-head and Cumbria Discography
- The Second Level Combine Harvester Blade (2002)
- In Keeping Cows in Silent Barns: 3 (2003))
- Good God, We Can't Figure Out What The Hell This Long And Pointless Album Title Means IV: Volume One: From Rain Through Hay And Turf (2005)
- Good God, We Can't Figure Out What The Hell This Long And Pointless Album Title Means IV: Volume Two: The World Is Gonna Fuckin' End In Three Days After The Day Before Yesterday(2007)
- Year Of The Black Homosexuals (2010)
- The Farmer Space Traveler: Elevator Going Up
- The Farmer Space Traveler: Elevator Going Down
Track listing on The Second Level Combine Harvester Blade (2002)
- 1. The Second Level Combine Harvester Blade
- 2. Cow Manure
- 3. Cows in Texas City
- 4. Everything Feeble
- 5. Anorexia Trigger
- 6. Sunshine Senior Miracle
- 7. 33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 (They were bored when coming up with a song title)
- 8. MySpace Cumshot
- 9. Neverevereverevereverevereverevereverever...
- 10. Satan Spawned Rancher
- HIDDEN TRACK - IRO-BO-Cop
- 1. The Wind Chime in Return
- 2. In Keeping Cows in Silent Barns: 3
- 3. Scratches Marked In The Best Cows
- 4. Six Hundred and Sixty-Six Evils (All owned by Satan)
- 5. The Moaning
- 6. Blood-Red Cunt (Her Name Was Summer)
- 7. The Camper Veronica I: Failure of Heart [A song about phone sex]
- 8. The Camper Veronica II: The Ass of Never
- 9. The Camper Veronica III: Weird Al The Killer
- 10. A Favor Farm Western
- 11. The Light in the Ass
- 12. A Shit-Load of Everything
- 13. A Shit-Load of Everything
- 14-17. A Shit-Load of Everything
- 19-21. This Shit is Getting Really Boring
- 22. We should stop making pointless Silent Tracks that are 5 Seconds Long
- 23. 36:24:36 (This is actually Claudio's measurements since she is a girl and all)
Track Listing on Good God, We Can't Figure Out What The Hell This Long And Pointless Album Title Means IV, Volume One: From Rain Through the Hay and Turf (2005)
- 1. Fucking a Horse (The band were obsessed with the movie "Caligula"}
- 2. Always Never (Sometimes Ever)
- 3. Get The Fuck Out Of Our House
- 4. 5 Speed (Of Satan's Demon-Possesed Tractor) [The story of how Travis the combine joined the band]
- 5. T-Shaping The Frame
- 6. Almanac I: The Farming Farmer
- 7. Twice Upon Your Horse Penis (written after Claudio had sex with a Horse)
- 8. Waking Up With Your Mom
- 9. The Suffering Fans Who Can't Figure Out What The God-Damned Video Is About
- 10. That Bitch Erica Cheated On Me
- 11. Your Mom... May I?
- 12. The Pissing Urinal I: Hay For the Starving Horses
- 13. The Pissing Urinal II: From Rain Through the Hay and Turf
- 14. The Pissing Urinal III: Almanac II: The Milking Cow
- 15. The Pissing Urinal IV: The Final Churn
Track Listing for Good God, We Can't Figure Out What The Hell This Long And Pointless Album Title Means IV, Volume Two: The World Is Gonna Fuckin' End In Three Days After The Day Before Yesterday (2007)
- 1. The Raping
- 2. The World Is Gonna Fuckin' End In Three Days After The Day Before Yesterday
- 3. The Mound (Of Manure & Stank)
- 4. Leathers
- 5. The Running Tree
- 6. Mother Superfluous
- 7. Gravemakers & Ghonorrhea (The Story of Miguel's Death)
- 8. Just us in Girders
- 9. The End Half-Done I: The Fall of the Septic tank
- 10. The End Half-Done II: Radio Hello
- 11. The End Half-Done III: The End Half-Done
- 12. The End Half-Done IV: The Road and the By-pass
- 13. The End Half-Done V: At the Sink
Track Listing for Year Of The Black Homosexuals (2010)
- 1. That Song We Couldn't Think Of A Name For, So We Named It After A Metallica Song
- 2. The Broken Pinky
- 3. Buns Of Summer
- 4. Here We Are To...Wait,Why Are We Here?
- 5. Fart
- 6. My Shattered Stained Glass Justin Bieber
- 7. Stickworld
- 8. Made Out Of Nothing (All Your Dick Is)
- 9. That Pertentious Bitch Who Stole My Parking Spot
- 10. In The Flame Of Sexually Transmitted Infections
- 11. Holy Shit! Skeletons! (Come Out Of My Closet)
- 12. Year Of The Black Homosexuals