Coke
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“Who needs coke when you've got heroin?”
~ Renton on coke
“These are the times that try men's Cokes.”
~ Thomas Paine on Coke
“Coke!...no pepsi!”
~ one of The Blues Brothers in any soda shop
“In Soviet Russia, Coke Drink YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on coke
“Evil company trying to rule the world with subliminal messages pretty good drink...”
~ Pie on waffle
“Runescape is shitty, but if you have cock and ballsacks ice with Coke it gets more shittier!”
~ Ad for Coke on coke (duh)
Safety concerns aside, Coke is a stimulant of the central nervous system and an appetite suppressant, creating what has been described as a euphoric sense of happiness and increased energy. Coke can be psychologically addictive, and its possession, cultivation, and distribution is illegal for non-medicinal / non-government sanctioned purposes in virtually all parts of the world. In the scientific community Coke refers to the harmless white powder cocaine. However, in some impoverished neighborhoods, the word "Coke" is used only when referring to Coca Cola. It is also the arch-nemesis of Derek Smart.
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[edit] The meaning of the name
There is an urban legend that the Chinese translation for "Coca-Cola" is "huge dildo with soda." This has no basis in reality. Fortunately, many gullible Westerners who know a lot of Chinese regard this as true. It has even made it into a book, Suckers in International Assholes by David Ricks and Giuseppe Bertola. These authors are guilty of neglecting basic research to verify something they present as fact. Also the "coke" is used by the polish soccer team to kill the germans with crackers.
By now it may be too late to reverse this bit of misinformation, since this made up BS is repeated ad infinitum by enthusiastic but ignorant Westerners. Truly, the stupidity of the masses is a mighty and unstoppable engine of destruction. Just think of how many people accidentally type killercoke.COM instead of killercoke.ORG.
The truth is Coca-Cola was a term created to cover up the terrible, horrible failure that was New Coke.
[edit] Addictions to Coke
WARNING: Coke is a highly addictive product that contains one, all, or more of the following (though not at all times, hence the "seasonal" Coke cans. And you thought that was just marketing, didn't you?): High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sugar, Niccotine, Caffiene, Cocaine, LSD, Barbituates, Barbarasol, Carbon Dioxide, Santa Claus, Capitalist Imperialism and the pubic fuzz of underpaid child workers.
All of these substances are highly addictive or poisonous, and in some states it is now illegal to purchase Coke unless you're over the age of 18.
For those already addicted, there are treatment options available. Consult your local libertarian socialist for more information.
Pepsi is another matter altogether, though by all accounts just as fucked up.
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[edit] Health Problems
Many people do not know the serious side effects of drinking coke, other wise known as "doing coke". Some people do coke only once an a while but some people have made coke a daily habit. I don't. It's more of a social thing. It is becoming more and more common that not only do we see bums on the street and losers doing coke the addiction has spread to our families. It is no longer an uncommon sight to see kids as young as three years old doing coke in public. If you have coke, and you're in a poor neighborhood you can be sure to find someone, male or female to suck your cock for it.
Not only does coke cause the above problems, Diet Coke has been proven by modern science to be a leading cause of cancer in males and females ages 1-105. After passing the age of 105 the body's immune system creates a new antibiotic known as Chuck Norris cells. These cells can kill every disease ever, even spontaneous combustion. It is caused by the .0001% chance that a molecule of Ingredient X mutates into Ingredient Y. Ingredient Y is harmless by itself but has a 0.0000002% chance of mutating into a cancerous mass.
The discovery of uranium enriched urine of an unknown mammal in a batch of Coke Zero resulted in 3 resignations, including the Managing Director. He now manages the grill at Burger King in Camberley, Surrey, UK. He is said to be deeply saddened by the incident and would rather not discuss it publicly. He insists that he did not know how the substance ended up in the drink and would like to remind everyone that it is still safe to drink, although he no longer cares after leaving the company.
Contrary to popular belief, drinking 3 cans of Coke on the second Sunday of the month does not make your pubic hairs turn red, making you a firecrotch. Although sometimes when I drink Coke while playing with my right testicle the light reflects off the can making the pubic hairs appear red. This is only a temporary defection and can be cured by a number of things including masturbating and feeding a 4 year old male panda.
Besides, who wants to end up looking like Billy Ray Cyrus?
[edit] Production of Coke
Firstly: Coca Cola was not invented, nor can it be destroyed.
Coca Cola is said to have a highly secretive formula that no human being on this Earth knows completely, however it is known to contain Dead Babies. The truth is that there is no formula. As it can be easily inferred from trying to deplete a glass or any other container with this transcendental black bubbling beverage, it can never be finished.
Of course, the only exception to this is physically breaking the Container which depletes the Coca-Cola but could cause a reaction that could destroy the world.
As experience easily shows, a single infinitesimal amount of Coke can be split over and over again forever, seeming to actually increase its volume. The fact is that it breeds through meiosis when split up. You can try it at home by simply trying to completely finish up a glass of Coke.
The secret source of Coke is thus a single drop of it, that hit Earth in a meteorite or some kind of portal. It has been mineral-enriched and has since been kept in an industrial apparatus to split it thousands of times over, in a way that each droplet multiplies itself several million fold and fills each and every bottle and can of Coca Cola in the World.
One of the other factors is coke's high benzene count.
WARNING: Cover Our Ass DISCLAIMER FOLLOWS: Coca-Cola is often produced on equipment that processes Fanta. As with anything commonly found in Mexico, it is potentially dangerous.To counteract the adverse effects of this beverage, it is advised you drink urine. Coca-Cola, Inc. never intends anyone in North America drink it, but we cannot be held liable for cross contamination involving Fanta.
[edit] Heres What The Evil Bastards At Wikipedia Say About Coke
Coke is a solid carbonaceous residue derived from low-ash, low-sulfur bituminous coal from which the volatile constituents are driven off by baking in an oven without oxygen at temperatures as high as 1,000 °C (1,832 °F) so that the fixed carbon and residual ash are fused together. Metallurgic coke is used as a fuel and as a reducing agent in smelting iron ore in a blast furnace. Coke from coal is grey, hard, and porous and has a heating value of 24.8 million Btu/ton (29.6 MJ/kg). Byproducts of this conversion of coal to coke include coal tar, ammonia, light oils, and "coal gas". Petroleum coke is the solid residue obtained in oil refining, which resembles coke but contains too many impurities to be useful in metallurgical applications.
Someone gave out the secret formula. Quick! Get them! Seize them you fools! Prepare to die. Exterminate them.
[edit] Different Types of Coke
- Black colored shit that we put in dirty bottles (original title)
- Diet Coke (English-speaking countries, and Wales)
- Coca-bomb -a coke based bomb (unknown origin)
- Pepsi-bomb -a tasty coke based bomb developed by Iraq.
- Date and gRape cola
- The Ultimate Warrior-a-cola (Beverage that accuses you of being gay)
- Coke Lite (European Countries)
- Coke Light (Kazakhstan)
- Coke Fight (Afghanistan)
- Coke tasteless shit (Original title for the light kind)
- Dope-a-Cola
- Jock-a-mola light
- Vanilla-Joke (chemicals taste edition)
- Barack Obama drink
- Darth-Cola
- Nigga-cola - disgusting coke made by ugly blacks
- Actually-tasty-cola (never put into production)
- Biocola (BIONICLE Cola)
- Mecca-Cola
- LA Ice Cola (Los Angeles Cola)
- Giratina Cola (official drink of Giratinaton and the Goa Tse Temple!)
- Borat Cola (Kazakhstan)
- 0m9 1337 h4xx0rz C014
- Jews Max (It's what the gods drink)
- Light Coke (the moon)
- Oscar Wilde™ Coke (so good, all who drank it turned into Oscar Wilde. Only one was made, only one was drunk. The man who drank it is now known as Oscar Wilde)
- Jesus Juice (Only available in The Neverland Ranch, Coming Soon to A Little Boy Near You)
- Coke with Berries (Uncyclopeida reccomends you never try this. It doesn't actually use berries, if you get my drift.) (we don't)
- Coke Light with Berries (a drink for gay Kazakhstanis)
- Jesus-flavoured Light Coke Oscar Wilde™ Lite with Berries, Cherries, Strawberries, Strawcherriberries and Vanilla (a drink good enough to kill a man. Unless he is Bob Marley, who is already dead, and therefore can withstand side-effects such as death and/or Aids)
- Coke Zero(Coke with zero sugar - just tons of Splenda instead)
- ΚΌΚΔ ΚΘΊα (Greek Coke)
- Cocka-Cora (Chinese Coke)
- Coke-Free Coke (water and brown food colouring)
- Cthulhucola - for Cthulhu worsippers all around the world
- Coca-Cola 600
- Coke™
- Choke-a-Cola
- Date-rape Coke (illegal in Belgium)
- Pepsi-Coke™
- iCoke
- Joke a Cola
- Cola of the dead (actually same as standard cola) - Used mainly by the deceased, now zombified Scottish Curling Team
- iCoke Mini
- iCoke Nano
- iCoke Touch
- iCoke Classic
- iCoke Shuffle
- Cock-a-cola
- Dick-a-cola
- Penis-a-cola
- Pensa Cola (Illegal y south California)
- iCoke [Product Red]
- iCoke update 3.0
- UltraCoke 2 (now with even more awesome)
- Cocaine Cola
- MAX POWER COLA SUPER!! YELLING!! ELITEISM EDITION TWOTHOUSANDANDNINE EXTENDED TASTY DRINKABLE HYPERSPEED LOLOLWUT YESH YEEESH THIS IS DELISHUHS PINGAS OVER NINE THOUSAND! SONIC SEZ PROFESIONAL SPELINNG EDITION
- Royal Cock Cola (Rc cola)
- Coca Cola DS (Derek smart tribute)
- Hyper Delicious Ultra MAX Power Ultimate Energy Beam Galactic Power Super Special Awesome Crayon Coke Deluxe level 4in Extra Limited Director's Cut Edition Collector's Edition
- Coke-coke puffs (endorsed by Kellogg's)
- coke-calcide (powerfull galactic shocks)(good as shots) (icreases chance of suiside)(eats through the bone and skin tisue until it reaches your internal organs were it deforms and dealusians the brain and lungs severing the blood cords)
- sonic the cokehead
- sonic the cokehead 2
- sonic the cokehead 3
- sonic and coke-les
- sonic 3d coke
- sonic coke-ers (unreleased)
- sonic's cokeventure
- sonic's shitty coke card game (wtf was that?! remeber? on the dreamcoke?)
- sonics cokeventure 2
- sonics gamecube coke game (was there one, im just making it up now)
- sonics hero cokes
- sonic the cokehead (2007 issue zOMFG)
- mario likes pepsi
[edit] Trivia
- Coca-Cola comes from Vin Diesel's nipples.
- Drinking Coca-Cola causes Cancer in women, babies, dogs, and headlice
- Drinking Coca-Cola also instantly kills men, cats, shrubberies, ferns, and zombies
- Coke increases your life expecancy for 6 million years
- Cherry Coke helped the Americans kill Hitler
- Coca-cola helps get rid of those tough, stubborn stains, that other colas simply cant
