Columbia, Pennsylvania

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Columbia, Pennsylvania.

Columbia is a small town in southern Pennsylvania. It was nearly chosen as the capital of the USA, but lost by one vote because many members of Congress thought it was a very stupid place.

Industry in Columbia[edit]

Today, the main industries in Columbia are churches, bars, restaurants, antique shops, and road work. It is the happiest place on earth.

Churches[edit]

A recent survey indicates that there is approximately one church on every block in Columbia. These include two Catholic churches, a Buddhist temple, a Pastafarian restaurant, a Satanist temple, and a church that worships Bill Gates.

Bars[edit]

There are very nearly as many bars in Columbia as there are churches. This is not surprising, as many residents must turn to alcohol to escape the terrible realization that they live in a town that was once voted the most crapulent place to live by the New York Times.

Restaurants[edit]

As with many Americans, especially in this region of Pennsylvania, residents of Columbia tend to be fat. They love to eat, especially pizza and cheese steaks. To that end, there are approximately fifty restaurants in the town specializing in those dishes

Antique shops[edit]

Columbia is in heart of Amish country. As such many tourists who are to cheap or boring to go to more interesting locales, such a Hawaii or Mars, come to Columbia. These tourists love to buy old junk called "antiques." Naturally, the local population has exploited these tourists for generations.

Road Work[edit]

Is a major industry throughout Pennsylvania. In Columbia, road workers spend alternate summers either tearing up the roads to repair water and gas mains or repairing the damaged roads from the previous summer.

Credit Rating[edit]

The citizens of Columbia do not pay their bills. Ever. They have a lower credit rating than Satan. In fact, their numbers are so low, they merit no further discussion.

Columbia Laws[edit]

Some of the more unusual laws in Columbia include:

  • All dog shit on all private property must be disposed of on a daily basis.
  • All clowns must be kept on a leash.
  • All Hillbillies must obtain a special licence before marrying a blood relative.
  • All streets must be swept on a weekly basis so the tourists don't think we're slobs.
  • Public urination and masturbation are only permissible outside of tourist areas.
  • No cars shall be allowed to make a right turn on a red light despite the state laws that allow this.
  • All intersections not having [[traffic lights] must have four way stop signs.
  • Anyone saying anything positive about Wrightsville will be arrested and shot.

Columbia City Improvements[edit]

Recent improvements to the city of Columbia have included:

  • Narrowing the busiest road through town.
  • Putting an additional traffic light on the busiest road through town at a shopping center that no one shops at.
  • Forcing the less attractive local prostitutes to wear paper bags over their heads.
  • Refusing to improve the sidewalks so they will be in compliance with the Peoples With Disabilities Act.