Columbus Blue Jackets

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search


“C-BJ is it? Sounds kinky..”

~ Oscar Wilde on Blowjobs

“Blue brings out my eyes.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Why he prefers the color blue.

“I'm blue da-ba-dee-da-ba-die.”

~ Oscar Wilde on His secret depression.

“Well, this has been fun.”

~ Columbus Blue Jackets on Losing to the Red Wings in the playoffs.
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia think they have an article about Columbus Blue Jackets.

“Hey guys, I'm just going to come off the bench and play this here puck. If I get a penalty, its not the end of the series right?”

~ Fredick Modin on Being a dumbass

“Woaaaaahh wait! Whats this thing you call the post season?”

~ Columbus Blue Jackets on Postseason

“Post-season??? Ha!!! No such thing as a "post-season"!”

~ Columbus Blue Jackets on The Postseason

“What the hell is in Columbus? And why do they need a hockey team?”

~ Me on the Blue Jackets

Franchise History[edit]

Formulating in 2000 BC thanks to the help of many-a-cavemen, the Blue Jackasses (or Blow Jobs) of Columbus still Rule to this day. Their last winning season was 2,002 years ago, when their only first round playoff victory was forfeited by a referee.

Originally called the "Beaten blue and black Jackasses", the hockey team honors their Air force heritage by playing in an arena converted from an air hangar. Screw the hard-working aviation factory men, bring on the sports teams to make $ to the city's economy. Now that's stupid.

Their dominace of the National Hockey League makes them feel that they don't even have to try anymore. Making them "locate the Cellar" in the standings. They're known for drafting too many Europee-ins. Take for example, Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichsky. A former dodgeball player/soccer mom.

In 2008 they won a prize for being the epic failz team of the year. "o hai" said Blue Jackasses Captain Roger Klotz on winning this award.

In 2009, the Columbus Blue Jackasses sold their team operations and relocated to Windsor, Ontario, Canada, where they became the Windsor Ontario Royal Canadian Red Jackasses to honor the Royal Canadian Air Force hangars instead.

In April of 2009,on April 24th, in Columbus, Ohio, Fredick Modin made the single greatest play of his entire hockey career. Let's plunge into these final minutes of game 4 vs The Detroit Red Wings. At 3 minutes left in the second peroid, the game was tied 5 - 5, overtime coming. But wait! Modin was on the bench thinking how could he win this game. The puck loose in front of the bench, Modin jumped off the bench, touched the puck and prepared to take it to the net! buuuuut, a whistle blew, fuck, what happened? Modins being thrown in the box?!?!?! Ahh shit, his ADD caused him to get a too many men on the ice. Well to sum this up, Franzen took the puck and properly shoved it up Steve Mason's large asshole. Thus ending The Columbus Blow Jobs postseason. They scored a few goals FOR the wings also and now may we present your 2008-2009 Fuckups, The Columbus Blue Jackasses!!!!!!!!!

Season-by-Season Record[edit]

Note: GP = Games played, W = Wins, L = Losses, T = Ties, OTL = Overtime Losses, Pts = Points, GF = Goals for, GA = Goals against, PIM = Penalties in minutes

Columbus Blue Jackasses
Conference Western
Division Central
Arena The Thunderdome
City C-bus
Colours Every Color but Blue
Owner Jeebus
General Manager Howson
Head Coach Hitch-COCK
Captain Stevie "Franchise" Mason
Stanley Cups Seriously?
Season GP W L T OTL Pts GF GA PIM Finish Playoffs
2000-01 82 ? o 1 0 201 24492 4 9 15th, Central Did not qualify
2001-02 61 1 47 8 5 15 17 666 1999 1st, Central Lost in Opening Round
2002-03 1 1 0 0 0 2 156 5 10 Tied for 4th, Central Took a break this season. No playoffs
2003-04 82 25 45 8 4 62 177 238 1198 4th, Central Did not qualify, but gettin' there
2004-051 So Bad It Does Not Matter Any More. Blue Jackets SUCK
2005-06 2 2 0 0 4 215 0 0-teen 3rd, Central Another off year.
2006-07 (SA) 54 24 32 7 55 156 194 849 Still suck
2007-08 (SA) 69 96 ?? 8 87 94 65 999 LOL ... No
2008-08.5 (SA) .5 4 100 42 69 96 11.7 18 Probably Not
2008.5-09 (SA) 83 82 1 820 3 11 14.7 25 Actually made it for once, got swept by the Nazi Wings, who also suck, in the first round. Surprised?
2007-08 (SA) -82 -82 !+82 43 79 0 1 3 What Playoffs?
Totals 666 -1 Eleventy billion Santa Dryers Jedi 4 q >?
1 Season was cancelled due to the 2004-05 NHL Lazyass Gary Bettman, and to the melting of ice due to globalwarming. Because of this, the NHL arenas have decided to cool the ice in the arenas (except the Montreal Quebequois' Bell Centre and the Nashville Panthers' Gaylord Centre where hockey is still played on ponds).

See also[edit]