Columbus Blue Jackets
“C-BJ is it? Sounds kinky..”
“Blue brings out my eyes.”
“I'm blue da-ba-dee-da-ba-die.”
“Well, this has been fun.”
“Hey guys, I'm just going to come off the bench and play this here puck. If I get a penalty, its not the end of the series right?”
“Woaaaaahh wait! Whats this thing you call the post season?”
“Post-season??? Ha!!! No such thing as a "post-season"!”
“What the hell is in Columbus? And why do they need a hockey team?”
Formulating in 2000 BC thanks to the help of many-a-cavemen, the Blue Jackasses (or Blow Jobs) of Columbus still Rule to this day. Their last winning season was 2,002 years ago, when their only first round playoff victory was forfeited by a referee.
Originally called the "Beaten blue and black Jackasses", the hockey team honors their Air force heritage by playing in an arena converted from an air hangar. Screw the hard-working aviation factory men, bring on the sports teams to make $ to the city's economy. Now that's stupid.
Their dominace of the National Hockey League makes them feel that they don't even have to try anymore. Making them "locate the Cellar" in the standings. They're known for drafting too many Europee-ins. Take for example, Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichsky. A former dodgeball player/soccer mom.
In 2008 they won a prize for being the epic failz team of the year. "o hai" said Blue Jackasses Captain Roger Klotz on winning this award.
In 2009, the Columbus Blue Jackasses sold their team operations and relocated to Windsor, Ontario, Canada, where they became the Windsor Ontario Royal Canadian Red Jackasses to honor the Royal Canadian Air Force hangars instead.
In April of 2009,on April 24th, in Columbus, Ohio, Fredick Modin made the single greatest play of his entire hockey career. Let's plunge into these final minutes of game 4 vs The Detroit Red Wings. At 3 minutes left in the second peroid, the game was tied 5 - 5, overtime coming. But wait! Modin was on the bench thinking how could he win this game. The puck loose in front of the bench, Modin jumped off the bench, touched the puck and prepared to take it to the net! buuuuut, a whistle blew, fuck, what happened? Modins being thrown in the box?!?!?! Ahh shit, his ADD caused him to get a too many men on the ice. Well to sum this up, Franzen took the puck and properly shoved it up Steve Mason's large asshole. Thus ending The Columbus Blow Jobs postseason. They scored a few goals FOR the wings also and now may we present your 2008-2009 Fuckups, The Columbus Blue Jackasses!!!!!!!!!
Note: GP = Games played, W = Wins, L = Losses, T = Ties, OTL = Overtime Losses, Pts = Points, GF = Goals for, GA = Goals against, PIM = Penalties in minutes
|Colours||Every Color but Blue|
|Captain||Stevie "Franchise" Mason|
|2000-01||82||?||o||1||0||201||24492||4||9||15th, Central||Did not qualify|
|2001-02||61||1||47||8||5||15||17||666||1999||1st, Central||Lost in Opening Round|
|2002-03||1||1||0||0||0||2||156||5||10||Tied for 4th, Central||Took a break this season. No playoffs|
|2003-04||82||25||45||8||4||62||177||238||1198||4th, Central||Did not qualify, but gettin' there|
|2005-06||2||2||0||—||0||4||215||0||0-teen||3rd, Central||Another off year.|
|2006-07 (SA)||54||24||32||—||7||55||156||194||849||Still suck|
|2007-08 (SA)||69||96||??||—||8||87||94||65||999||LOL ... No|
|2008-08.5 (SA)||.5||4||100||—||42||69||96||11.7||18||Probably Not|
|2008.5-09 (SA)||83||82||1||—||820||3||11||14.7||25||Actually made it for once, got swept by the Nazi Wings, who also suck, in the first round. Surprised?|
|2007-08 (SA)||-82||-82||!+82||—||43||79||0||1||3||What Playoffs?|
- 1 Season was cancelled due to the 2004-05 NHL Lazyass Gary Bettman, and to the melting of ice due to globalwarming. Because of this, the NHL arenas have decided to cool the ice in the arenas (except the Montreal Quebequois' Bell Centre and the Nashville Panthers' Gaylord Centre where hockey is still played on ponds).
|Leastern Conference||Worstern Conference|
|New Jersey Devils||Boston Bruins||Winnipeg Jets||Chicago Blackhawks||Calgary Flames||Anaheim Ducks|
|New York Islanders||Buffalo Sabres||Carolina Hurricanes||Columbus Blue Jackets||Colorado Avalanche||Dallas Stars|
|New York Rangers||Montreal Canadiens||Florida Panthers||Detroit Red Wings||Edmonton Oilers||Los Angeles Kings|
|Philadelphia Flyers||Ottawa Senators||Tampa Bay Lightning||Nashville Predators||Minnesota Wild||Phoenix Coyotes|
|Pittsburgh Penguins||Toronto Maple Leafs||Washington Capitals||St. Louis Blues||Vancouver Canucks||San Jose Sharks|
|Seasons (structure) · Stanley Cup (Playoffs–Finals–Champions) · Presidents' Trophy · All-Star Game · Draft · Players (Association) · All-Star Teams · Awards|
|History · Timeline · Defunct teams · NHA · Original Six · 1967 Expansion · WHA · Streaks · Droughts · Hall of Fame (members) · Rivalries · Arenas · Rules · Violence|