Common Tim

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A Common Tim Hunts for food in the Arctic.

“Common Tim!”

~ Bill Oddie on Common Tim
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for David Miliband?

The 'Common Tim' (Latin Henmanus crapus) is a rather rare and endangered member of the Britus Underachevium species. It is most commonly seen in Britain, though glimpses of the creature can be spotted as far afield as Melbourne (Australia), California (United States) and parts of the Arctic. The origin of the Common Tim's name is relatively unknown, though it is thought its name derives from an expression popular in the UK heard around the country for up to two weeks in July.


Main Article: Habitat of the Common Tim

Little is known about the species at this point because almost as soon as it arrives in a particular area it beats its hasty and downbeat retreat. Thus, it never stays in one specific place long enough for it to be observed in its natural habitat. Each year the Common Tim returns to its natural habitat of Surrey, England. It is highly reclusive, though is at its most visible in specific areas of Merton, Greater London, namely Wimbledon Common, when it returns home to partake of strawberries, salmon and Robinson's lemon barley water. Although some argue the species is not as common as the name suggests, frequent calls of 'Common Tim!' that can be heard from Rusedski Ridge, a large hill in London, suggest otherwise. The Tim then continues on its journey, unsettled by the vociferous calls of its name, cowering under the weight of the enthusiastic cries. It is thought that the common Tim is attracted to water, as it is frequently seen during wimbles.

Threats to existence[edit]

A Tim performing its mating call.

The Common Tim is now close to extinction, having just ten years ago been the most popular creature in its species. Not good.

The typical life span of a Common Tim is widely thought to be approximately six days, with this increasing during a particularly clement British summer. However this is a widespread misconception: this is the average amount of time in which the species can be seen before it begins its worldwide migratory journey. In actual fact, the average creature can survive for up to fifteen years, returning to its British habitat annually to feed.

Rival Species[edit]

However, a relatively new species named the 'Common Andy' (Murrayus Highlandius) is leading to the gradual extinction of the Tim, overpowering the creature with its superior foraging skills, consuming all the food which would normally be meant for the Tim. In addition, the Canadian native 'Common Greg' (Gregulrius Canadianus Druggius), which previously lived happily alongside the Tim, is now outstripping it in terms of popularity and strength. This is mainly due to its high profanity threshold, which unsettles the feeble Common Tim, forcing it out of its natural habitat.


The Common Tim is also threatened by the frequently inclement British weather, indirectly caused by Global Warming. Rain majorly hampers the Tim's ability to hunt successfully, leading to a lack of food which makes the creature weak. Should the Tim not consume the required amount of bananas and mineral water, it is destined to fail and continue on its migratory journey for another year. However in recent times, this invariably happens, regardless of whether it rains or not.

Other members of the species[edit]

Main Article: Britus Underachevium in history

Elsewhere, the species Britus Underachevium has largely been unsuccessful in its fight for survival. The Grey Umhick, of which very few (less than 100) survive in the wild, serves as an example of the possible fate of the Common Tim. The Jen Sonbutton, though currently much more popular, seems to be going much the same way, indicating that the whole species is in grave danger of extinction. The notable exception to this, and the ray of hope in Britus Underachevium's survival is the Davidus Beckhami, which was until recently flourishing on the Mediterranean coast of Europe. However, even this flash in the pan is now seen as just that, the Beckhami being forced to migrate to the colonies to be closer to the tasteless handbags.


The fact that the Common Tim has become so rare has led to the growth of a group of enthusiasts known as 'Tim-spotters'. However, these are by their very nature the natural enemy of the Tim, inadvertently causing the downfall of the species.

Tim Spotters are characterised primarily by their patriotic clothing, a monocle and the presence of a St. George's cross painted onto their face. These are not to be confused with England football supporters or even circus clowns, for that matter. They can be seen annually for up to one week in July, often consuming strawberries and cream and Pimms as they attempt to spot a Tim, ungainly flapping its wings frantically. They are very excitable, and like to boast, announcing at the top of their voice the obligatory cry of Common Tim! when they see one. In a domino-like effect, this rouses fellow Tim-spotters who in turn shout and sometimes begin a Mexican Wave. Eventually, the Tim, wary of the expectation placed upon it, simply gives up in true Britus Underachievium fashion.

Future for the Common Tim[edit]

The chance of evolution for the Common Tim is close to zero, as the creature is lacking in killer instinct and, more importantly, the will to survive, qualities which are imperative elements of survival in the modern environment. It appears it is also too late for the Tim, destined to die out having been a largely inconspicuous yet totally useless amicable species.

It is possible that this lack of evolutionary chances may have been heald, but lucyd accounts are difficult to find.

Genetic Engineering of The Common Tim (Project x)[edit]

In recent years, there have been many scientific experiments that seek to improve on the shortcomings of Common Tim. Many acounts of genetical engineering experiments were earlier dismissed as speculation and the project was never officially confirmed. However after 3 years of extensive research a new species was created under Project X, a top secret genetic enhancement programme which took place in Serbia. The 'Common Novak'(Novakilche Djorkvitchian) was unveiled as a beta version of the Common Tim and was created in a Serbian laboratory. While it closely resembles the Common Tim, it could not be more diferent in its demeaner and skills. For example it is stronger, faster and has a much higher survival rate that the the 'Common Tim' which many believe is due to the stronger backbone and killer instincts which were engineered during its creation. It is a lot more succesful during mating season and holds a lot more respect amongst its rivals and has therefore overtaken its inferior original . Although 'Project X' was initially scheduled to take place within England (home of the 'Common Tim') the area was deemed insufficient to generate such an improved species.

Feeding Habits of the Common Tim[edit]

The Common Tim mostly feeds on anything he can catch from the freezer, such as Jos'e Ole taquittos, chicken nuggets, and the various wild ice cream. When the Common Tim is full, he will leave the remains of his meal behind, hoping they will still be there when he returns.

See Also[edit]