A condominium (condom or, occasionally, condo for short) is a 20th-century living arrangement satisfying the needs of that small but significant part of the population who require proximity to loud neighbors, the payment of association fees, and a total lack of property resale opportunity. The proliferation of rules governing ones own and ones neighbors' behavior is a large part of the condo's appeal, especially to Wikipedia editors.
Condo owners believe themselves to be future Real Estate Barons, since they know what nobody else in the world is financially sophisticated enough to understand: that all housing always gains value at 20% per year. Because of this special knowledge, they feel entitled to become wealthy simply by signing up for a 40-year-no-downpayment mortgage at the bank, convenience store, Money Mart, or pawn shop. Most condo owners pass their days at the YMCA watching little boys take showers while they wait for God to make them as rich as they know they are entitled to be.
The etymology of "condominium" is obscure, but the word probably derives from uncomplimetary descriptions offered by the condo's detractors, such as Oscar Wilde's famous quip:
|I'd rather get the clap than get in a condom, any o' em.|
The plural is condos, not condominia or condominiums, both of which can be confused with similar words such as
- Condomania - A periodic asset bubble in the price of condos, creating unhealthy speculation ("condo flipping") followed by price deflation ("Flippin' condos!").
- CondomMania - A celebration promoted by AIDS activists, in which the few remaining monogamous Africans are given prophylactics and told to "go spread the mojo".
- Condormania - A pre-Thanksgiving ritual of the late 20th century, in which citizens would hunt the last living California condors. Hunters lost interest after several years in which no one managed to bag a member of this endangered species. Bragged State Fish and Game director H.R. "Rusty" Barrel, "I think we got 'em all".
- Condom Minimus - Latin for the medical condition resulting in male deformity, usually permanent, caused by sleeping with the wrong-sized Trojans. Commonly known as "shrinky-dink".
- Condo Mane - The 1962 shock-exploitation-documentary about the South Pacific cargo cult calling itself Oobuggabuggabugga. Believing that Western goods were created by the spirits for the local indigenous people but that white people unfairly gained control of them, the Oobuggabuggabugga constructed condominiums made of coconuts, feathers, banana peels, and sand. Some of these buildings are still standing, having outlasted many condo complexes in the West.
Condo floor plans vary, but most have bedrooms, indoor bathrooms, and weirdly named rooms.
It is important to understand that different rules apply to different parts of the condominium complex, typically
- Living areas: Noise levels which are respectful of neighbors must be maintained. Common walls must be avoided during sex.
- Bedrooms: Quiet sex permitted from sunset to sunrise.
- Bathrooms: No offensive noises. Sex requires a permit (available from owners association) to be posted opposite toilet, with text of the single-occupant rule cleary visible.
- Common areas: No Christmas decorations or expressions of individuality of any kind. Sex is strongly discouraged. Extramarital affairs restricted to spa area outside of "quiet hours".
- Owners association president's residence: No noise restrictions. Sex of any kind permitted.
- Other neighbor's residences: Who knows what they're doing in there.
Condos and gentrification
Condos are sometimes associated with the government's controversial policy of gentrification, the forcible repatriation of white people to blighted urban areas. Caucasian people, often from gay communities, are rounded up and transported to city centers where they are given fake "Historic Building" plaques and paintbrushes. The results are sometimes visually jarring, but have lately benefitted from new technologies and techniques, such as the use of urine-resistant paint for exterioir walls adjacent to sidewalks and alleys.
Famous condo residents
These have included football legend O.J. Simpson and, at one time, Nicole Simpson.
George Bush is not technically a condo resident, as his attempt to privatize the White House (an example of condo conversion) is stalled in Congress. The proposal is the brainchild of presidential advisor Condi Rice who, prior to her own conversion, was know as "Apartamenti".
An early condo resident was Paul Cuffee, a Massachusetts freeman prominent in the Back to Africa movement of the 19th century. Cuffee set out for the Belgian Congo, but was diverted by an unscrupulous real estate agent. He ended up in a condo in Brussels, still in the family to this day. "We mean to sell it," says great-great-great-grandaughter Svahili Cuffee-Clouseau, "but we're holding out for a fair price."
Jabba the Hutt is not a condominium resident. He is a condominium.