Condom
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How else are they going to find it?
“Condom this!”
~ Captain Obvious on condoms
“PUT THIS ON YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH! ”
~ god on condoms
“My condom fits like a glove.”
~ A.Man With 5 cocks on condoms
Condoms were created by Adam Sandler as a cheap way to avoid buying balloons. They were used as a style of balloons but it has many uses now. It can be a hat, a Latex friend (If you have a permanent Marker), cheap lubed gloves, and even a form of currency. Satan's Daughter, Wilma Flintstone, created the birth control pill. The original pill can be found at the Smithsonian Museum, weighting at 5.2 pounds, and as big as your fist. His first child (Mr. T) created abstinence, a method of keeping people from having sex by telling stories about how if you touch other people, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension where dogs will eat it. This story has been confirmed on a recent episode of Family Guy as well. He also Created the dreaded vasectomy, (Vuh Sec'tem Ee), latin for chopping off your nuts. His fourth child (Princess Diana) created the diaphragm. Unfortunately, an angel hijacked her limo and drove into a brick wall. If all of there human extermination devices are used at once, simultaniously, then you are banished to another world entirely of Fat Chicks (Fh-at Chix), a Species of Elephant that gather together and crave the sexual amusement of men. They also have a tenancy to eat, so if you come across one, be sure NOT to have any food with you. Being the educated scienctist he is,the Pope decided to announce that condoms do not stop the spread of AIDS.
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[edit] Why use condoms?
- Many people use condoms to reduce the overall enjoyment of sexual intercourse for them and their partner.
- If you don't the world be infested with them younguns!
- Or "cum in ur bum"
- Also, saving said condom after use and tying a knot at the opening, you may choose to cryo-freeze the specimen for later "consumption".
- Trojan brand Twisted Pleasure condoms can in fact be used to secure screws into most types of wood or drywall.
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[edit] Condoms and Children
From the age of 2-10 children have been educated in the proper use of condoms. By the time they reach 11-17 they forget everything they have learned and chose not to use condoms and must be educated again.
Children love Mr. Condom. Parents hire him for birthday parties, Bar Mitzvahs, and even Baby showers (Ironic huh?). Parents love Mr. Condom because he is a great role model to children, and he encourages children to stay in school because this increases your chances of meeting a girl/guy and getting laid. Mr. Condom also likes to molest the children and get their fathers to anally penetrate them through the use of a candied bribe. Mr. Condom will fuck you, too. The only problem with this is that your children might not be satisfied completely, due to the absence of a hard object within Mr Condom.
[edit] Wooden Condoms
Until the invention of latex, all condoms were made out of wood and were known as "good, stiff woodies." This undoubtedly caused many complaints, such as lawsuits of splintered penises (and vaginas!). Many experts believe that the early use of wooden condoms gave rise to the modern myth that women do not enjoy sex. But it has been a recent discovery that they do enjoy sex, they just use this excuse as a ploy to make men want to have sex with them more. Don't use a rubber band and clingfilm because it will just split.
In Chatholic Church sex-ed, wooden condoms are given to young horny boys to teach them to "slow down," or risk that the friction from the intense love making could cause the wooden condom to combust, burning genitalia of both lovers and possibly the whole town down.
[edit] The DIY Condom
If you're in a rush or in the middle of the Antarctic then you can make your own condom with a roll of clingfilm and an elastic band. By wrapping the penis with clingfilm along with using the elastic band to hold it throughout sex it will do the same job as a latex condom. Dr. Jerk Meeoff believes that this method could even be better than the real thing, "Research has identified this as a very effective contraceptive method". Many pregnant spotty teenagers disagree.
[edit] The Old Condom
A condom may also be a building or outhouse in which units of property, such as apartments, are owned by individuals and common the naughty parts of the property, such as the toilets and floorboards, are owned jointly by the unit owners.
Many condom buildings are designed to protect their residents from the hazards of the outside world, especially rain. Condoms are offered in many designs ranging from simple models, which perform their duty with little fanfare; other models with lubricated exteriors built to slip through the elements with ease; or complex models with ridges and chemical treatments which directly stimulate their environments to a more desirable state. Regardless of their features, however, all condoms are disposable, usually used only once before being discarded. While this seems like an unnecessary and wasteful expense, its effectiveness cannot be disputed.
There is often a high density of occupants in such a building, and the walls are often poorly constructed. This can lead to them bursting in especially hot weather. Condoms can also fail, resulting in buildings that look quite similar, but are smaller.
To avoid structural loss of integrity:
- Never carry condoms in your wallet or stuff them into your glove-box.
- Always use rubber cement to hold the condom in place and prevent slippage.
- Never share or reuse your condoms with anyone. Withdraw, take it out carefully, and tie it. Then dispose of it properly.
- If your condom contains any rips, punctures or holes, throw it away. Tape will not be able to keep it from leaking.
Since condoms are a serious way of protecting yourself from diseases, there is nothing funny to say about them -- except to say that if you stuffed one with walnuts it would look like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
[edit] Exotic Rubber Instruments
There has been an absurd uprising amount of young females bringing home new "rubbers" for their man. A few examples are "the french tickler" and "a black mamba", which the Fijitalian government have made accessible in your local 5 dollar store next to the marmalade and tinfoil.
Never use it! Never shove it up your ass, as it's been cursed by George W Bush, now steel prongs spring out of both ends...Some say it's painful as fuck, others say "It increases pleasure".
[edit] Metal Condom
Used for a brief while in post-WWII Germany, they were later removed from production due to media rumours that, "Metal in your vagina is as good as a straight Tom Cruise". After this, sales dropped considerably.
[edit] Barbed Wire Condom
Exactly what it says. Whilst this method of contraception hurts like fuck, it is 100% effective and captures all semen. There is, unfortunately a 50% chance that the woman's innards will come out too, including the vagina and at least one fallopian tube. One case reported the liver of a man being on the end of another man's dick after an act of sodomy using a barbed wire condom however the manufacturer, barcon, disputed this claim. It's believed to have been invented by hardcore wrestler Sabu.
[edit] Condom X
This condom uses the capture-teleport method on semen. As semen touches the condom wall, it is absorbed and teleported to the Moon, which explains why the Moon is visually white. Because of this, the condom is reusable. It is most famous for having a superglue-type stick and 100% transparancy. This condom has been concluded(by many teenagers) to be the best condom so far.
Warning: Condom X may only be used by proffesionals or specialists in the field. Beginners may practise with a regular test tube obtained from the nearest science laboratory.
