War

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

(Redirected from Conflict)
Jump to: navigation, search
Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin can hit Russia from her house.
Any good man in any good family in any good faction in any good army in any good nation in any good war needs a Coat of arms.

“Is that what's going on in Iraq right now?”

~ George W. Bush on war

“Of course you know, this means war!”

~ Bugs Bunny on getting shot at by Elmer Fudd

“War? Huh! What is it good for... absolutely NOTHING!”

~ Edwin Starr

“Fuck you!”

~ R Lee Ermey, in rebuttal to Edwin Starr

“War is fun!”

~ Some idiot who's never had to pick up a rifle on war

War is caused when one great nation posses a Mudkip and decides to make the mudkip fire it's lazer. The mudkip screams "I'ma Firin Mah LAZ0R!!!!! very loudly, revealing the attack to the enemies. Also a mudkip will pop out your ass an scream like Mr.T "im a firerin my lazer You're fighting a war right now. It's the result of high testosterones, and a primal necessity to all males. Like breathing. And herding sheep. Lots of people grab weapons and start destroying each other. With guns and other big boom stuff.What's best is the people who you destroy never respawn.NEVER EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Note of interest: Recent observations in conflict zones across Afghanistan, Georgia and Switzerland have been made of dead hadjis returning to live in the form of zombie pirates. While research still has to be done, armed forces across from various NATO countries have confirmed the horde's presence and say they seem to be led by a man known as Jebus War is a good thing...If war did not exist, the earth's population would exceed 14 billion people, per country. War not only prevents overcrowding, but it also makes for great entertainment. Approximately 78.4% of all movies, TV programs, and songs are a direct result of war. Even better?

Sun Tzu owns all the patents for war, earning royalties every time it is declared, enacted, threatened, or printed on the front of tabloids in a 100pt font. Consequently, he is the richest corpse in all of China. Some say war is like marriage, the only difference is you don't get to sleep with the enemy, unless you live in Denmark. (See also: fish)


Contents

[edit] What is war?

Charting the source and success of War.

A war, in normal or strategic form, combines the set of possible strategies for each political affiliation and records the payoffs for each outcome.

Let N be a set of political affiliation. For each political affiliation i \in \mathrm{N} there is given a set of strategies \Sigma\ ^i . Ergo war = \pi\ : \prod_{i\in \mathrm{N}} \Sigma\ ^i \to \mathbb{R}^\mathrm{N}, so that, if one knows the tuple of strategies that were chosen by the political affiliations, one is given the allocation payments, a real number assignment. A further generalization can be achieved by splitting the war into two functions: the normal form war, describing the way in which strategies define outcomes, and a second function, depicting each and every political affiliation's preferences on the set of outcomes. Yeah, I don't know what I said either.

Ergo war also = \pi\ : \prod_{i \in \mathrm{N}} \Sigma\ ^i \to \Gamma\ , where \Gamma\ is the outcome set of the war. And for each political affiliation i\in \mathrm{N} there is a preference function: \nu\ ^i : \Gamma\ \to \mathbb{R} .

A reduced normal form of war exists as well, and combines strategies for which are associated with the same payoffs. This form of war is known as "the Playoffs."

This is an example of an ideal war:

In AD 2007, war was beginning.

Drei: Deliver it at once!
If possible...
Or Stephen Harper.
Ritalin?
Uh... Ctrl+alt+del!
DO I?

[edit] What is it Good For?

The question of what war is good for has plagued historians for millions of years. Early historiography on the topic seems to indicate that war was indeed good for something (besides solving most of the world's problems), but this is still ill-defined.

In 1970 the noted historian Edwin Starr radically challenged this notion. In his paper entitled Starr Wars! Starr came to the conclusion that war was good for "absolutely nothing.... Say it again now!". Starr's view now seems to be dominant amongst historians, and political leaders, especially George W. Bush, have paid attention to Starr and have completely eradicated war from the world.

Scientists have now discovered 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 new uses for war. Which are as follows: -

Typical fire-fighters at the battlefield.

1) Vacuuming...

2) Cheap Labour...

3) The cure to Dinosaurs...

3.5) The back

4) Absolutely nothing!...

5) Population control...


5.5) Large Bets with your friends on who will win....

6) finding a use for the dregs of society (mexicans, blacks, hillbillys, cathlics, emos)

and... BONUS NUMBER 7!!!!!!... 7. raping the the dead men. 8. kill people 9.what are you looking at. I ran out of ideas


Trouser Filling adventure. Say it again now!

[edit] Dr War

He is the root of all evil and the cause of all wars. He gets inside your head. Makes you think things. Do things. Press buttons. Buttons connected to Nuclear Warheads that kill innocent Russians.

He is often mistaken for The Doctor and will happily take the opportunity to masquerade as the legendary time lord as he rarely gets the opportunity to pretend to be awesome before ripping out kidneys and squeezing out the contents down your throat.

If you ever meet Dr War, your unlikely to see the light of day again as he is quite a violent guy and a big fan of necrophilia. Note, you can get a good look of Dr War from the aftermath of any fight, as he can be seen feasting on the remains of the charred and mangled bodies of the victims of war like a mindless zombie. He is also THE God of War and detestes Mudkips. He often resets his version of Pokemon Sapphire just to kill his rival's Mudkip with his pwnsome Torchic. I know this cause he told me; after removing my eyes and nawing on my ears.

He can be gentle, but only if you sing to him. He likes Gansta Rap and other retarded songs, like that banana phone crap or Penut butter Jelly. Mention Chuck Norris though and he's likely to cause a war within the minute. Don't forget. He likes big butts and he cannot lie. Seriously.

If hear Dr War whispering dark thoughts into your mind, do not fight it, or your head will asplode. It's best to go along with it.

[edit] A History of the Super and Smashing Wars

War is Peace
  • C - Rome v Rome
  • BC - Rome v Pome
  • 89227 BC - The Star Wars Trilogy. Note: Includes Episodes 4-6, for 1-3 do not qualify as "Super" or "Smashing."
  • BBC - Rome v Chrome
  • BBBc - Rome v Schmome
  • BBBce - Pikaachu vs. Ike vs. Wario vs. Snake, Brinstar Stage
  • CBBC - Your Mum v George W Bush

Star Wars vs Pokemon Romans vs Darth Vader Hitler vs Everyone else who have hated him in his life 10000000000000000 billion people

You forgot about the war between the states. I don't mean the war between the union and conferderacy back in the 1860s. I mean the war between Iowa and Missouri. It is sometimes called the Honeybee War. A good article in uncyclopedia would have to contain such an important war as that. It was one of those states' rights wars. A war over the rights of the States of Iowa and Missouri to tax the honey producers that lived near the border. You should also include this important war in articles about Iowa and Missouri.

[edit] AD Wars


    • The epic war between the laissez faire George Washington and the hardline Maoist Robin Hood. Since the fashionable uniforms of the day didn't include trousers, the latter half of the war was spent in a cease-fire while the two sides worked together to build a radiator; which then resulted in the sinking of both command dinghys. George Lucas is estimated to have made at least 3.4billion shiny pennies from the panoramic shots alone.
  • 1893-1897 - the War of the Worlds

possible evidence about the Space-time continuum and this since erased his memory when he was trapped in a time machine while going Back to the Future to fix the plot holes in Star Trek. A movie was later being planned about this event, however an unfortunate incident occurred, when the writer William Shakespeare mysteriously died. A later plot involving a washing machine was eventually used.SEE THIS CLIP THAT ORIGINATED THE WAR OF THE WORLDS --- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnwTuUO9ptk

9999World War Fuck the Wars

The following are the vision of John Doe, the one true psychic:

(mario won)

  • 2010 - Obama Barak's War (Oh yeah; its gonna happen, just you watch.)
  • 2011 - War on Chavs immediately followed by the Kingdom of Svalbard invading New York, and the EU].
    • Instigated by the timelords to help humanity boost it's IQ.
  • 2032 / 1988 - World War VII (It is still yet to be explained how time managed to create a paradox and not destroy the universe by the appearance of the film in 1988, but Marilyn vos Savant is working on it rest assured. Audiences didn't seem to miss the character development considered critical in the previous 3 films. Also seen to be the best war ever, even thought the characters were tired stereotypes, the gameplay sucked, and the bad guy was a pussy with long hair and a mother complex.)
  • Mexican-Canadian War of 2118 Still under construction.
  • War of 2203 Sweden out witted the world... apparently the world had gotten very thickly, ini. And overthrew the United States of America (and the rest of conquered Earth), by snatching control of Google the unpredictable mistress of the future universe. By diverting Google searches to the pages MSN, Sweden was able to confuse the world with the clutteredness.
  • A.D. 2101 - War was beginning.
  • 2053 - World War 4.5 terrorist organization GLA back with full effect.
  • 20XD - 20XE - Super 1337 laser war. This was the first war to be fought entirely in 70,000,000 Halo 7 Team slayer matches, The U.S.A won but Canada thinks that they used Hax.
  • American Civil War 2:The Confederacy Strikes Back This war only lasted three weeks due to most would be confederates were nothing but mere white trash in confederate renactment uniformes and armed with muskets with blanks and gardening tools. The United States Government put an end to this pathetic rebellion with general ease with heavily armed tanks and soldiers that made the confederates scared shitless and retreat or died trying to retreat.

[edit] Other less popular wars

Nowarfor.jpg
Internet wars.
What a five-year-old thinks war is.

[edit] War, the Person

A former horseman of the apocalypse, War has since retired, and is living his unlife out in South Florida, though he enjoyed his stint as Armageddon's drummer from 1976-1987. War has also converted to Buddhism, and now can often be seen wearing the ceremonial kilt oft preferred by Buddhist monks.

Tired from an eon of riding around, War has dropped his busy schedule, and now takes time for the simpler things in life. Lately he has been known to enjoy silk robes, kittens, roses and long baths. He begins his mornings with several hours of meditation, and ends his day with Tai Chi, accompanied by the soothing scent of brimstone.

If you wish to speak with War, he can often be found meandering the beaches of South Florida at sunrise, or sitting atop a dune, gazing out at the glassy sea.

He also has a lovely wife.

[edit] Can I do war?

Black metal is war.

You may be asking your self, 'can I do war?". Here are some things to consider when thinking about doing a war:

  • Some people are lame and think war is 'stupid' If you know anyone who thinks like this, maybe you can't do war.
  • You may get hurt, because doing war is not easy, it's like anything else, practice on cats around your house and you will grow up to be a great man.
  • Before you begin doing a war, carefully consider whether your scream of 'nooooooo!' is up to scratch. This will come in handy when holding a dying friend, crashing a helicopter in a mountain or finding that someone took your last Spam ration.
  • The minimum age for doing a war is 1 month old. 'Childrens Wars' are usually held before the main war and last about half as long.
  • Invest in the Cuban, Iranian, and North Korean nuclear programs. Refurbish your basement with a lead coating to prevent radiation leakage.
  • Due to increased numbers of applications to war, entry grades are rising. As of the 2006/7 season, potentials entrants needed at least 4 A-Levels or equivalent international qualifications. Work experience in a small war e.g. the Columbian Drugs War is also seen as a significant advantage.

Always buy Thermobeams on Pluto.

[edit] War, the Band

Almost single handedly responsible for the Big Band revival of the 1970s, War made it to the bigtime with their hit single, "Funk Grandma". They are often credited as musical influences by other famous groups like Van Halen,Beethoven, Belle and Sebastian, and the Bagg Street Klezmer Band.

[edit] Super Smash Bros. Brawl and war

Many wars caused by the fall out of nations can be and have been solved by a single game Brawl (most notable the Cold war. Most people were wondering where the threat went but it did because in Soviet Russia, Brawl plays you). The rules are always Fox only, no items on Final Destnation. First to fall loses. There has been problems with this method because some world leaders complain of Fox being shit and impossible to use where as others use him on a regular basis and can pwn any country. As a result George Bush regularly starts wars in the hope solving the conflict this way. However things get messy if one of the leaders choose not to end the war this way, which leads to a full scale fight and millions of civilian deaths.

[edit] How war became kosher again

Some of you down-and-outers are probably thinking, "hey, was war ever cool?" Yes it was. But that's a story for another time. In 6193 B.C., there was a war on war. The opponent was Christmas. These same naysayers will probably come back with "uh don't you mean the war on christmas?" Shut up and learn to capitalize. War was in danger. Walgreens had stopped hanging their AK47s and started hanging tinsel on their walls. Instead of bloody shrieks of terror, there were faint "ho ho ho's". Truly a dark time for war. These dark, terrible years of nativity scenes and sleigh bells continued for a grueling two weeks which seemed like forever. Finally, in 1989, Mel Gibson saved the day by starring in Lethal Weapon 2, where token black guy Danny Glover almost gets his ass blown off by a toilet bomb. Fuck yeah. Take that, Christmas.

[edit] The Pienian civil war

This was a civil war that was fought between the pienian loyalists and the pienian rebelsThe cause of this was because a pienian outsider tried to consume the great pie of justice, but was unable to finish and therefore threw it up on the emperor. This would br crucial because the pienian outsider could not clean it with the stuff he had, The emperor formally declared war on the outsiders also known as the pienian rebels. The civil war lasted for about a month before Sgt. Cream Puff and his army of neopolitan wafers. The battle was mainly fought in the small country of Pievella. Where each side fought each other by launching mud pies at each other. The first battle took place in LMG region. Also known as Lemon Merangue Pie Region. Each sides fought hard, but in the end the Pienian loyalists. The second battle was fought in the mountains of Banana Creme'. Each sides used the terrain as an advantage utilizing avalanches of banana and cream. The result came out a pienian rebel victory. The last battle was near the border of the Great Neopolitan emperor and the cream puff's. The one crucial mistake from the loyalists the launched a blueberry pie and killed a neopolitan wafer villager. The Neopolitan army declared war on the pienians and in just 1 week had wiped out three quarters of the pienian army. The peace treaty was signed between the pienian loyalists and rebels and between the Neopolitan Empire.

[edit] Brummy imperialism

In 1985 Brummy Soldiers crossed the border between West Bromwich and Germany in the first invasion ever carried out by anyone from Birmingham. The invasion was short lived as the Brummies realized they didn't much like strudel and sausages anyway, and were afraid of the music of David Hasselhoff - and retreated within 4 hours of completing the invasion. All that remains is David Schnitzel - the famous warbling Berliner, who remains in Munich to this day singing songs of the old country

[edit] Poetry in War

Largely Regarded as the downfall of war, the worst thing to do under fire, a thing for those gays or beautiful poetry is the single most dangerous threat to war known as scientists discovered in 1918 after the conclusion of world war 1 and the disastrous 1918 Olympics held at Verdun. Military strategists have come to know this as a war waged from within, in which the founding pillars of war (Killing, being killed, Soiling oneself and soiling ones enemy) get replaced by something pacifists would see as demonstrating the futility of war (see also: lies ). One example of wartime poetry found below:

Hear this song i sing Wars a horrid thing ding a ling a ling author: Baldrick 1917

[edit] Aftermath

Some wars end up in history taught at school. In the UK WWII gets all the attention, in Holland it is the 80 years war of 1568-1648, and in Germany the defeat of the Varus'Roman legions. Come to think of it, every country only remembers the last war they won.

[edit] Actions and Reactions

War is a lot like the Olympics every country aspires to compete on the grand stage and as such every country has participated and the wons that refused seem to have been lost somewhere in others.

All countries get a bit too competitive when it comes to wars forgetting that it's about having fun and that winning isn't everything.

Countries like in everything else react and act differently when it comes to war, a lot like how different football teams use different tactics. Below is a compiled list of several countries usual actions in war.

!!Warning!! The Patriotic may wish to skip this.

[edit] Italy

Italy are famous for being a legendary warring society being the birth place of the mighty romans however they have long since lost touch with their inner beast when they were convinced by God who cannot currently remember the event that they should listen to a man with a big white hat this affected their will to fight as after the last Halo wars society deemed that fighting someone because they follow a different kind of hat is wrong which was the White hats only want for war.

Lastly the straw that broke the Italians genitalia off was when famous mafia boss Al Cappuccino came along and told the people of Italy that should enslave themselves to their mothers now this confused the rest of the world that prefer to enslave their parents when they turn 12, this reverse has been terrible as now it is common practice for the Italian military to retreat by 5 am in order to get home and make dinner for their momma to avoid a tongue lashing.

They have also been accused of making real bad allies. A prime example of this was in World war 2 when at point they ended up fighting each other. This was a resault of a budget cut made by Steven Speilberg as the film production began to go over budget and the CEO of universal studios said to Steven. If you dont sort out your budget im going to grab you by the balls and pull them off. In light of this frightning threat Steven rounded up the Italians of Rome and told them to fight each other over a very nice bowl of mother made lasagne. (Yum). This though was a disaster as after 30 minutes of fighting they all ran away and sobbed.

[edit] Germany

Germany is a country who's whole foundation is based on war. This came about with the invention of alcohol when the German people realized that if they made a bigger pint glass then any body else when a fight broke out they would be better off. They also thought that if they had the toughest sounding language then they would actually be the toughest so they set out to make the national language based on a primal scream. This careless decision has lead to many misunderstanding with other nations as every time Germany tried to have a civil conversation every one else thought they were trying to start a fight, this was largely the reason for the first great war which was settled when the German leader at the time fell down into one of his trenches and as not to look too stupid, decided to end the war so he would not run the risk of falling down into anymore.

The last famous war for the German people was World War II which came about from a long list of disputes(and, misunderstandings of german "scream talking"). the first spark that lighted the fuse was a tourist by the name of Madolf Hitler was short changed in a shop owned by the followers of white and blue caps. Madolf did what he did best bitched. his extreme german bitching made his voice blow out, giving it a scary and gruff sound, however danger was averted when the Big white hat came down with diarrhea and was unable to ring his Master Chef. whilst the leader of the round hats decided that he was to busy with more important things such as marrying his 45th wife. Determined to have his revenge Madolf decided to say in Germany and hypnotised the German populace with his 'stash' power to go to war for him. Not much is known as to why he decided to target the whole world when he could have easily just destroyed the shop that short changed him. Many believe that he was living up to his name or that his wife was swept away and just like his favorite film 'Troy' he wanted to be the man that launched a thousand pointy hats this time Germany was more successful conquering much of Europe especially after France had adopted it's 'We surrender' policy.( let the record show, that the crackhead that put the shit about hats on here, really, REALLY fucked this article and other than rewirting it I saw no way of fixing it)

Germany was on the brink of victory when a stray bullet hit the cup of an Englishmen causing him to lose his cup of tea. this in English law is the gravest of crimes higher then treason and as a result caused Churchill to leave his insurance job to ring Madolf for an apology which foolishly Madolf decided to leave him on hold hoping he would hang up. Now the English are a hard country to provoke into action as tea is often spilt in action which is a cost to great for anyone however with tea already spilt there was no alternative but to teach the Germans a lesson on wy not to touch an Englishmen's tea. inspired by this many other countries joined in wishing to show they were equally as good at the sport of war. At first the war was a tie with neither the round helmets or the pointy forces gaining ground that is until America decided to join in deciding that they had to be in every war joined the round helmets this had a mixed reaction with the Germans celebrating and the English wondering what they had done wrong to deserve this cruel fate. However even with this setback the allied forces with a point to prove eventually won out when Madolf accidentally had a lethal encounter with a razer that cost him all his stash power.

[edit] America

Because America has a very short and eventful history of war a page has been dedicated to it! You can find this under United states of America .

[edit] Synonyms

[edit] See also

Fourhorsemen2.jpg The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

Pestilence - War - Death - Famine


Forces of the Universe
Gravity | Electricity | War | Mathematics | Sophia | The Flying Spaghetti Monster | Black Metal

[edit] External Links

738 Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)

Retrieved from "http://mirror.uncyc.org/wiki/War"
Personal tools
on Uncyclopedia