Congressman is a selected representative for rich people in the lower, or "worse" House of Congress of the United States. The Congressman, also known as a Representative is appointed by the largest consortium of buinesses in his district. The Representative will serve his masters for a period of two years, during which, he will spend the majority of his time figuring out how to get another two year term.
Before a Candidate can be apointed by the businesses, he must first go through a rigorous application process (which may or may not involve Anal probing) called the Campaign, due to its rigorous, multi-step process. The candidate must first prove his loyalty to the consortium by either selling his own mother to them (at deflated cost) or by killing a drifter and eating his heart in front of the members of the Consortium. This screening process quickly removes any "Idealists" from the remainder of the campaign.
The Candidates may then proceed to the second round of the campaign, where he must prove his willingness to follow any command issued by the Consortium by navagating a minefield blindfolded, with only the members of the Consortium shouting instructions to his path. As imagined, this step greatly reduces the number of candidates in the running, as the Consortium likes to see a greedy little shit get blown up as much as the next guy.
Third round of the campaign is where the candidates get to see who has been selected by the consortium to run in the election. Points, given for heart-eating style and lowest-price-for-mother, as well as imidiacy in mindlessly following orders in the previous two rounds will be added together. This stage is known as the "Primary Election." The three candidates with the highest scores will be allowed to continue to the next round of the Campaign.
The Fourth, and perhaps most important part of the campaign is known as "smearing the opponent." Only after the candidates have been selected by their Polutocratic overlords can they begin to attack one another. Left to their own devices by the Consortium, Candidates are encouraged to use any and all media outlets to insult their opponents with whatever creative lie will stick. Bonus points are given if alagations of homosexuality are proven to be true. This part of the campaign allows the Consortium the knowledge of who is the most repugnent soul, and therefore, the most dependent on them for survival. Needless to say, the most repugnent character is generally chosen.
Before a Candidate can be apointed by the businesses, he must first go through the charade of an election. Though once an integral part of a mystical religious cult called Democracy, the ceremony known as "elections" now are little more than the vestigial continuation of tradition.
Elections are held on the first Wednesday after the fifth Saturday in November, in acordinance with Masonic Prophesy.
When receiving a letter from a constituent, the Congressman will write a response, also called bullshit letter, file the original letter, and go to lunch at a five-star restaurant with the lobbyist scheduled to give him a blow job that given day.
If you want him the read the letter, attach a check for $5000 US. If you want action on the letter, attach a check for $20000 instead.
Cut and paste these when you write to your Congressman!
Letter: Dear Congressman, we, the citizens represented by you, feel that it is our obligation to bring to your notice that our state is on the brink of destruction. There's no law enforcement, people are starving and even the pastor says Jesus has left for Mars because of our misery. Please help us!" - Generic Citizen
Bullshit letter: Thank you for your letter. To enable collaborative technologies and enable visionary partnerships, we seek to leverage revolutionary portals through incentivize intuitive users. Although the existence of brand virtual content exists (from a later date), our engineer plug-and-play systems are seeking solutions of architect open-source e-business to ensure incentivize cutting-edge vortals. In our efforts to syndicate distributed schemas, we unleash web-enabled experiences with benchmarked magnetic schemas to visualize cross-media web services. Rest assured, your complaint has been filed. Have a nice day. - Generic Congressman
Angry citizen letter Fuck you, you sack of shit! Did your mother have any children that lived? How corrupt can one man be, you boy-diddling sowbelly! I wrote to you about **Name issue here** and you completely ignored my request. Is it because I wouldn't sleep with you? You fucking bastard! I'll tell the newspapers everything! I have the photos of you with my 7-year old sister. You're going down! Down! Do you hear me? Do you hear me now?