Conor Oberst

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“You're a beautiful boy. You're a sweet little kid, but I am a woman.”

~ Conor Oberst on his pederasty and subsequent sex change

Musician Conor Oberst (born February 15, 1968 - ) is the world's only known intelligent and sentient vagina. He is best-known for his 1983 hit "I Have An Itchy, Burning Sensation." His style is often described as 'intensely feminine,' 'smooth as a sheet of glass,' and 'like Freddie Mercury getting rapid-fire kicks to the groin.' He is an example of white people who have emotional problems. Being white is hard...and emotional.

Life & Times[edit]

Conor Oberst was discovered by his parents in 1968, 128 years after the release of his first album. Oberst performs under the moniker Bright Eyesenhower for the Council Bluffs, IA record label Scrotum Creep. Before the age of 14, Oberst had released 97 albums, including 46 simultaneously released albums in 1977 (one for each senator, divided by two; there was a mistake in his math). These 46 albums were produced all in different styles, including hardcore street rap, rap-rock, prog-rock, noise rock, emorock, emocore, emo-gone-wild, emo-gone-Wilde, indie rock, large rock, post-indie-rock, post-op-rock, post-office-rock, office-indie-rock, 50's doowop-metal, street-post, ghost-rap, rap-rock, noise-indie, post-noise-indie, emo-X, post-rock, post-post-rock, post-pre-rock, really really hard folk, dancehall, Chris Rock, meta-rock, crap rock, The Rock and one consisting of a 67 minute outpouring of Irish commercial theme music. In the majority of these earlier works, Oberst's voice is audiable only to dogs. He was honored with a Grammy Award for his 1982 album My Knee Hurts When I Bend It Like This During the early days, he was known as an Indie Music artist, because his voice sounded like a race car crashing and bursting into flames.

Oberst finally escaped the creative stranglehold of his contract with Scrotum Creep in 1989, when he signed with Sony Music. With the help of Clear Channel Communications his fame was propelled to much height in the music industry and he became well-known in the corporate-rock scene, opening for such bands as Limp Bizkit and Kid Rock. He was also one of the first recording artists to use a substance called marijuana, about which he said in a Popular Mechanics interview, "The grass be to me like crack be to a nigger." He said the rare substance, found natively in Canada, had inspired him to create the numerous drone-filled multi-disc epics that earned him the national spotlight in the mid-1990's as the artist that Tom Cruise would most likely worship if he were to start his own made-up religion (in the tradition of Cruise's messiah, Elrond Hubbard).

Oberst is a carbon copy of Bob Dylan and the voice of our generation's conscience. He speaks for everyone, even you. If a Bright Eyesenhower record is played simultaneously with a Dylan record, the sound waves cancel into a flat hum, over which the voice of Björk may be heard.

For more on the life and times of Conor Oberst, it is recommended you seek out A Beaver Built a Dam and I Cried: The Conor Oberst Story. In a notable chapter of the book, it is revealed that when Conor was a child he had five brothers, born in five consecutive years, but he drowned each of them in within their first few months of life, following random passionate fits. No one ever did anything about these horrible acts, however, since Conor was too young and beautiful to have punishment inflicted upon him. When he was a child he also used to carry a safety pin in his pocket everyday so that if he needed attention he would cut himself and wait for someone to come and ask him if he was okay. He never was, as is documented in the songs, 'Method: Acting Like There's Actually Something Wrong With Me', 'No Lies, Just Massive Overreactions to the Smallest Grievance' and 'When The Curious Girl Realises That I Don't Actually Have Leukemia'.

Conor Oberst's hit "Lover I Don't Have To Love" was considered his "coming out" song by the BLT,G community, and he has since become an icon for other lesbian and bisexual girls like himself. He was in theatre in high school, so he assumed everyone already knew. "If I had known that it wasn't blatant to others, I would have put these pictures of me and Gerard Way making out on the Internet a long time ago!" Gerard Way has denied the validity of these comments, stating "Oberst is a close friend, but that's all. I love him like a brother." Way's comment was then re-evaluated after it was discovered he had been inappropriately touching his actual brother, Mikey Way, since childhood.

In 2005, Oberst received a public mauling after he made comments about the recently deseased John Peel, claiming that John Peel "used to make little boys lick toothpaste off his penis".

Arm-Wrestler du Jour[edit]

To match wits with strength was Oberst's dream, fulfilled in his early 40's when he competed and won the arm-wrestling championship in Dayton, Ohio in 1998. Following a decade of training, Oberst entered the scene already running, winning all seventeen of the competitions on the road to Dayton, scoring himself the championship and a cover spread on Wrastlin' Monthly. Within months of his jet-fueled rise to arm-wrestling stardom, he was abruptly returned to the anonymity of solid earth when he sprained his wrist performing a difficult cheat code on Super Mario Brothers.

Criticism[edit]

Reviews on Oberst's work vary in tone from publication to publication. While Magnet Magazine said of his recent Digital Hash in a Digital Bong, "It's awesome, it's perfect, ten out of ten, no twenty out of ten! Please, do a feature interview for us, anything! Just validate us! Validate us!", Pitchfork Media was less impressed-- "Ewww.. that like kind of sounds like the Gang Of Four, which would be like existentially salubrious, but then he's like telling us how he feels inside. That's so totally not hip. 1.2341 out of ten! Wait, make that 1.2339, ha! Loser." Rolling Stone magazine called Oberst "a tasty slice of pie."

When Oberst reads a negative review, he weeps and attempts to re-write his canon in attempt to please the reviewer.

“Whosoever dares mock Him and calls Conor Oberst a pretentious fool or a mental case thence they shall burn in hell; for He is God to the unhappy soul.”

~ Laura Bush on Conor Oberst

“I'm spinning in my grave.”

~ Bob Dylan on Conor Oberst

“CONOR OBERST FUCKING LIKES IT IN THE BUTT”

~ Jimmy Urine on Conor Oberst...get it?

“He's alright.”

~ Danny Elfman on Conor Oberst

“Now that's a cock I wouldn't mind being slapped with.”

~ Mother Teresa on Conor Oberst

Notable Albums[edit]

  • The City Has Sex And I Am Fucking Alone (1978)
  • Please Stop, It Tickles (1980)
  • The Supreme Lord-Commander Of Cygnus-Delta XII (7 discs) (1983)
  • My Knee Hurts When I Bend It Like This (1987)
  • Diary Of A Sad Little Girl (1991)
  • I'm Mildly Disappointed With Life (1992)
  • Read Music:Speak Bullshit (1993)
  • Road to Boys (That I Can Fit My Fingers In) (1994)
  • I'm So Coked Up And Drunk I Can Barely Piss Straight (1995)
  • A Collection Of Tears In A Little Jar From 1995 - 1997 (Oh I Cried) (1996)
  • A Poetic Retelling of the Contents of My Toilet (1997)
  • Getting Away With Crappiness (1998)
  • Red is a color people say when blue is on vacation (1999)
  • Fevers From AIDS And Mirrors To Check My Teeth For Tofu (2000)
  • Clairaudients (It's Kill or Else You're a Fucking Pussy) (2001)
  • Lifted Or The Story Is In The Soil, Keep Your Ear To The Ground Because This Title Is So Long That If You Don't You Could Easily Forget What You Were Reading (2002)
  • I'm Easy and I Love Nothing single (2003)
  • I Strongly Disagree With Many Of The Bush Administration's Policies (Co-wrote with Neil Young) (2004)
  • Digital Hash In A Digital Bong (2005)
  • I'm Wide Awake, It's (The) Methamphetamines (2005)
  • Morning Sickness (2006)
  • C.A.S.S.A.D.A.G.A. - Creepy Adolescent Similarities Share All Douchebags Ambiguously Gay Advice
  • Tea At the Palaz of Poon(2007)
  • Monsters of Mope (2009)

Trivia[edit]

  • It is said that Conor has recently had sexual relations with fellow muscian and messiah of the church of emo, Chris Carrabba. It is unknown whether this is a long term relationship or just simply a fleeting fancy.
  • In a recent interview, Conor implied that he was Chris Carrabba's love slave and would no longer conform to his "twisted fantasies".
  • It is said that, like Carrabba, he too has almost been crucified after an emo show. However, there is no evidence of him being the messiah.
  • Conor's favorite food is soy made to taste like tofu.
  • Conor often dreams of taking part in influential duct tape competitions. He once got so caught up in this dream that he murdered a lighthouse keeper for looking similar to Syd Barrett.
  • Conor Obert is one-sixth robot. The rest is jelly.

See Also[edit]