Conrad Burns

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Official portrait of Senator C. Montgomery Burns

Conrad Montgomery Burns is the junior United States Senator from Montana. He is the longest-serving Republican senator in Montana history as well as the identical twin brother of Charles Montgomery Burns.

Early life and career[edit]

Burns was born on a farm near Gallatin, Missouri to Russell and Mary Frances (Knight) Burns. However, he was adopted by a rich billionaire at an early age, leaving his biological parents and brother George. Burns enrolled in the College of Agriculture at the University of Missouri in Columbia. Two years later Burns enlisted in the Marine Corps during World War II and fought in Nazi Germany as a member of the Flying Hellfish squad.

Some people believe he is actualy a russian spy who is tried to get into military ranks but somehow failed and ended up being the boss of a nucler power station. Now he has new plans to make the nuclear power station go into overload and have nucleur radiation spread over the u.s, he tried once but a stupid bald guy called homer simpson luckily stopped his plans. Mr burns now has grown to old to keep up with his secret work and stays in the u.s to manage the power station.

After his military service Burns founded a nuclear power plant in Springfield, Montana. In 1962, he travelled the state as a field representative for Polled Hereford World magazine in Billings, Montana.

In 1968, Burns funded a project to grow and produce biological weapons for germ warfare. However, this project was later sabotaged by eco-terrorists, who destroyed the germs with anti-biotics.


Though a political novice, from his previous jobs Burns had a great deal of name recognition, and the Republican Party recruited him to run against incumbent Democrat John Melcher. Burns portrayed Melcher as "a liberal who is soft on drugs, soft on defense and very high on social programs". Melcher was also hurt by public opposition to policies in Yellowstone National Park regarding naturally occurring fires and by President Ronald Reagan's pocket veto of Melcher's bill which would have made 1.4 million acres of Montana forest off-limits to logging and mineral development. Burns defeated Melcher in a close race, 51-48 percent.

Since his election, Burns has been well-known in the Senate for his moderate-to-left-wing views, despite being a Republican from a conservative western state. Although he is very popular among his constituents and fellow colleagues, his liberal voting record has angered a number of more right-wing Republican congressman, who have tried to discredit and sabotage his campaigns, most infamously in 2005-2006 when Burns was wrongly accused of being tied to the Jack Abramoff Indian lobbying scandal.

In April 2006, Burns was selected by Time as one of "America's Five Best worst ass-tastic Senators." The magazine dubbed him "The Shock Jock" for his independent, maverick political viewpoints. The magazine also praised his strong, extensive legislative record [1]. Senator Burns’s ratings from interest groups indicate a generally liberal voting record. According to Project Vote Smart, Burns rating by major think tanks and PAC’s are as follows [2]:

  • NARAL: 100%
  • National Right to Life Committee: 0%
  • American Civil Liberties Union: 100%
  • U.S. Chamber of Commerce: 6%
  • National Education Association: 100%
  • League of Conservation Voters: 95%
  • Christian Coalition: 0%
  • Cato Institute: 30%
  • National Rifle Association: F
  • American Public Health Association: 90%
  • American Land Rights Association: 0%
  • AFL-CIO: 71%
  • National Taxpayers Union: 33%

Famous quotes by Senator Burns[edit]

  • "[It's] a hell of a challenge."
    • Said in response to a constituent asking, "How can you live back there in Washington, DC with all those niggers?", 1994.
  • "All Arabs are actually just ragheads."
    • At a meeting of the Montana Implement Dealers Association, February 17, 1999.
  • "What tribe are you from?"
    • Said to a woman wearing a nose ring, 2000.
  • "You could stay at home and be a mother if you lost your job to outsourcing."
    • To a Northwest Airlines flight attendant worried about losing her job, September 2005.
  • "We've got to remember that the people who first hit us in 9/11 entered this country through Canada."
    • December 21, 2005.
  • "Darn kids! Get offa my lawn!"
    • Every day, everywhere