“I am not a cook!”
“Damnit, why the fuck do you fucking suck damn cocksucking fucking suck at cooking?”
Cooking... it's not exactly music... but it's close. Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials in a manner that would procreate delectable (needless to say edible) and proper nourishment for humans of civilisation.
How to Cook
The stunts that you are about to perform are all designed and supervised by trained professionals. They are extremely dangerous, and should not be attempted by anyone, anywhere, anytime. Furthermore, the majority of cooks in the Yucatan Peninsula are homosexual. Side note cooking is a skill some do not have. Burning is a skill we all have. It is easy to burn food....and sometimes fun. All French cuisine is better burned, if it must be prepared at all.
- Kill animal, vegetable, lawyer or politician of choice (Bonus if the politician is also a lawyer)
- Cut into little teeny pieces with knife
- Add pieces to pan with salt and pepper, to taste
- Put pan on stove (usually hot)
- Wait for William Shatner to run in screaming that you're doing it wrong
- Hit William Shatner over head with hot pan, dropping cooked contents on the floor
- Scoop most of cooked items back into pan while nobody's watching
- Garnish with parsley or chives
- Serve to unsuspecting guests, including William Shatner who is sporting a huge bump on his head and now can't remember anything about Star Trek
- Hear mama say "Terrific, even better than mama"
Alternative, much easier and more delicious method of acquiring nourishment.
- Call woman of choice
- Say the line "Woman get back in the kitchen. I'm HUNGRY"
- Come back in an hour
- Sidenote: if the cooker is not of the non-penial sex, it usually ends up shitty. undoubtedly, cooking is not a masculine element.
The History Of Cooking
It is believed by most historians that, during one night of extensive drinking, the French invented this curious art. Combining little more than wine, fire, and any closely available pet, these simpleminded peasants were able to create masterpieces the likes of which are only witnessed in today's political debates. Of course this is complete horse shit, like everything the French say. Prehistoric Indonesian cannibals invented cooking by accidentally setting local forests on fire and then devouring all charred people and beasts left behind, then re-enacting the event by throwing people and animals into fire pits.
Though cooking is still practiced by some small cults scattered throughout the world, it is widely believed a form of paganism, and is little practiced among the commonplace bachelor. The introduction of predators such as cold cereal, mayonnaise, pop tarts and the dreaded microwave has nearly driven the practitioners of this noble craft to extinction, and yet the same people who created the monsters which ravage cooking (or rather different people, but the same species)have fought to keep this trade alive with naught but Teflon and aluminum utensils.
Cooking is also the ancient Catholic method for turning heathens into devout followers. This outstanding method of brainwashing was first practiced by Socrates in the early 1980's with the introduction of hair metal. Bands such as Poison were known for their ability of converting massive hordes of preteen school girls into walking cesspools of sexually transmitted diseases. In an effort to make amends for destroying the lives of countless girls, Socrates took up the skillet as his primary instrument of choice. By adding eggs to temperatures of over ten thousand degrees Celsius, he was able to craft musical masterpieces. Not only had his musical genius cured AIDS, but he also brought an end to the Cold War. This is why we celebrate Kwanzaa.
Music sometimes comes from the frying pan during times of intense burning.
William Shatner is believed to have once been married to a ladle he found on his voyage to the Marianas Trench.
The ladel was once the national animal of America. However, due to the decline in polygamy in the 20th century, this proud beast has gone extinct.
The barbecue, known in the USA as the barbeque or BBQ, is a method of cooking that has become extremely popular in recent years. At its most basic, a barbecue is a simple pit dug into the ground and filled with charcoal; however, there are also various space-age types that use electrickery, gas or even uranium as fuel. Because barbecues involve open flames, most people are far too stupid to use them without injuring themselves - below is a guide to safe use:
- Place charcoal in barbecue.
- Use nasty smelly waxy firelighter things to get the charcoal burning. These can be ignited with matches, and will produce a particularly acrid, stinky smoke that makes even your grandmother (who has been getting through 60 Woodbines a day since 1928) cough her guts up.
- Wait for firelighters to burn away. Your charcoal will now be very much not on fire. Use more firelighters, following the same instructions as previously. Once they've burnt away, your charcoal will still not be alight. Continue until you run out.
- Attempt to get it going using rolled-up newspaper, with as much success as you had with the firelighters.
- Loudly exclaim, "Ah fuck this, let's do it the Man's Way!"
- Siphon petrol from car (preferably someone else's car, petrol is expensive).
- Liberally douse charcoal with petrol, and ignite with match. Realise that you're going to look like a right twat at work on Monday without any eyebrows.
- Observe charcoal fail to ignite. Pour more petrol on. At this point it will become apparent that one tiny bit of charcoal had in fact begun to smoulder.
- Observe vast mushroom cloud as it majestically rises above the neighbourhood. Think how you're going to look an even bigger twat at work on Monday now you have third-degree burns all over your face.
- Quickly brush all the eggs off the meat which the flies have laid while you were trying to light the bloody thing in the first place.
- Wait for charcoal to die down to a gentle smouldering. It may go out more several times, so repeat the re-enactment of Nagasaki with the petrol. After all, we all know petro-chemical explosions are cool.
- The more effeminate barbaque chefs may choose to marinade their meat for 1-24 hours in one or more of the following: olive oil, red wine, malt vinegar, curry, gypsy tears, distilled essence of baby, acetone, or wood grain alcohol. Note that the last two marinades may make your meat a splode (and hopefully the whussy chef also!).
- Place meat (which by now should have been in direct sunlight for at least two hours) on barbecue grill. When the outside is blackened and charred, it's ready for consumption (but not necessarily by humans). The meat should be in the form of sausages and hamburgers, both of which are guaranteed to contain e-coli, and the biggest lumps of steak available. Remember the old barbecue maxim:
"Cut its horns off, wipe its arse and it's ready to eat!"
- Berate any vegetarians present, telling them they shouldn't have bothered coming if all they're going to eat is rabbit food. Eat sufficient meat to give a bear rectal cancer. Drink lots of luke-warm beer. Maybe have a few joints if you're some sort of liberal or hippy. Just turn a blind eye to the fact that the inside of the meat is pink and cold.
- Go to work on Monday, bravely suffer taunts of colleagues over the serious facial burns and missing eyebrows. At 10.30, suddenly develop a really, really, really urgent need to go to the lavatory. Spend the rest of the day vomiting blood and excreting something that resembles lumpy coffee.
Incidentally, people in the Third World who have no choice other than to cook their meat over open fires would do all their cooking in a microwave given half a chance. I mean, come on folks, it's the 21st century!
- See Also: "How to get rid of a tapeworm."
Despite common misbelief, the entire population of the world other than that of your own country do not eat curry everyday. Indeed, the planet has a great wealth of different styles of cooking, with countless exotic foods. Many people have discovered a liking for foreign food and have learned unusual cooking techniques from far-off places they are unlikely to ever visit - perhaps you too are interested? As a rough guide to get you started, we include here a map of the world showing the types of food popular in various countries (note: people in these countries eat only the foodstuff listed here.)
- Maple Syrup
- Iceland Frozen Beefburgers
- Haute Cuisine
- Magic Mushrooms
- Haggis, neeps and tatties
- Fuck Knows
- Humans - a good European will feed your family for at least a week if preserved correctly
- Foster's Lager
- Chilli Peppers
- Cooking Accounts