Cool Points
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Cool Points, also known as Jedi Master Points, Tanzanian Shillings and Betamax copies of Airplane!, are a commodity designed to settle disputes as to popularity, Samuel L. Jacksonness and, most critically, the number of successfully collected High Fives.
[edit] Discovery
They were discovered accidentally by Chad while he was attempting to prove the Single Origin Hypothesis, when they noticed an almost indetectable trail of an unknown attribute hemoraging from humans as they became more distant from the Origin. Analysing the substance, they found it was the previously only-theorised fundamental particle, the Cool Point.
As scientists, they knew not what to do with this knowledge, except for to award them to each other as an ironically uncool in-joke. Little did they know that they had once again been blessed with luck; they had stumbled upon the mechanism by which cool points functioned.
[edit] Usage
Cool Points appear in reservoirs in certain groups or gatherings of humans. They are then distributed by being awarded, usually for acts of trivial knowledge or pointless Qinggong (Qinggong used for justice is not cool). Those who are awarded cool points can subsequently pass them on to others until a relatively even distribution throughout the species is achieved. This has yet to occur, owing to the somewhat inevitable fact that some people seem to be unable to keep them. This may be due to class conflict, and is one of the main reasons for the uniform design of the Soviet Union, which afforded its wearers +48 cool points. Unfortunately, for stating that fact and using the idea of clothing and adding numbered attributes together, Stalin lost all of his cool points, and decided the murder of millions might just claw a few back. (This assumption was correct, but he never managed to acquire a positive cool point value, as sometimes people saw his moustache).
Isaac Asimov wrote extensively on Cool Points, and composed the Two Laws of Cool Point Redistribution, a book later sold as Das Kapital:
- Samuel L. Jackson is Cool.
- John Travolta is not.
3. Barack Obama is Teleprompter cool.
Realising this to be far from comprehensive, he added several additional rules, counting backwards. The most important of these is the minus-twentyninth:
- -29. Cool Points come only from originality. The first law is eternally and necessarily correct, but imitation of Samuel L. Jackson is not cool.
This statement is often cited in reference to Oscar Wilde, especially the quotation thereof, and may one day prove the mechanism by which all people can finally have a sense of humour.
[edit] Today
Recent events put paid to such hopes. Everything that was previous known to be cool, and thus imbued with glowing Cool Points, began to be taken over by commercialism. This included Woodstock, Hugh Laurie and, worst of all, the grand benefactor of the poor, Television.
Therefore, cool points in existence are currently possessed by Team Cool, a subsidiary corporation of Team Evil, itself a subsidiary corporation of Fox TV. As everyone knows, corporate law is cool, and that is thought to be the strategy used by Team Cool to amass these points. Common is the sighing sound of one person attempting to award cool points to another only to realise in sad dismay that an exceedingly cool corporate lawsuit will soon be taking all of their other, non-Tanzanian, currency.
