Cool beans

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“Just as plastic surgery is the new black, Cool Beans are the new magic beans”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cool Beans

“I ate his liver with Cool Beans and a nice bottle of chianti”

~ 7 on 9

“Now, why in tarnation wouldja wanta eat dem beans cold? That thar's jes dagnabbit idjit!”

~ John Wayne on Cool Beans

“Cool Beans!!”

~ Andrew Jackson on Beating the British at the Battle of New Orleans

Cool Beans is a common expression that is often said when something cool happens. It is considered one of the greater ironies of modern day life as it is rarely or never said by cool people. Also, beans are not cool. Cool stuff normally is expensive. Or it can splode stuff up pretty good. Beans are cheap as your mum and about as a splode-esque too.


A rare kind of bean, the cool bean is only found in places with extreme cold. Their native land is Antarctica, however some have caught onto cold ocean currents and have been found all over the globe from Alaska to Scotland. Recently, in 2002, Heinz managed to create a tin capable of replicating the harsh conditions cool beans live in and continued to capture cool beans and store them in the special tins. These cool beans are known to be released on occasions pleasing to the user, causing much happiness throughout the location of their release. They retail at £3.99 from Morrisons, however they are done in 12 packs from Sainsbury's for £30, with a total saving of £14.


Most respected Etymologists are blaming America for this trend. Apparently it came out in the 60's so it was probably all those drugs. The two words most likely became associated with each other at a similar time to their linking with things that are positive. Most decent parties, after the alcohol, would entail a bean break where everyone would go to the fridge and eat specially frozen coffee beans out of it. As these cooled beans were only at the coolest parties they became associated with cool things in general. It was only natural for Cool Beans to become a phrase for expressing the fact that something is pretty darned cool.

None of this explains why Cool Beans is Copyright Kristoff Van Stevelrooy 2005. 8==D

Wall Street Crash[edit]

In 1987, a coffee bean delivery vehicle collided with a brick wall on Wall Street. Not accepting "You should've bloody expected it!" as an explanation Kofi Annan, inventor of the Coffee Bean and part-time childish little so-and-so, refused to let the Americans have any more and would no longer play with them. Unfortunately, the only people who managed to acquire coffee beans were uncool. This lead to the near extinction of the phrase. However, in the mid 2000's a young entrepreneur invented the frozen broad bean and the usage of Cool Beans has been on the increase ever since. Which is nice.

The Future[edit]

Various fast food chains, mentioning no names, attempted to serve Chilled Beans of different kinds, but people began to realize that they all tasted pretty foul frozen, and that they could eat them much cheaper and colder at home. Instead the decided to just huff kittens banishing Cool beans to the realms of weirdo cults where they seem set to stay.


In 2006 there was a brief controversy surrounding the temperature of cool beans. Some thought that cool beans sould have been renamed 'cold beans' while a radical group tried to rename the beans to 'warm beans'. It was then realized in December of 2006 that cool beans was actually a phrase and not a literal item, therefore the name was left unchanged.