Coronation Street
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“I'm not dead, I'm just naked!”
~ Blanche Hunt on supposedly being dead
“carla! carla!”
~ Tony Gordon on being a cyborg eyed scottish cunt
“God im fucked! i look like ben walker ”
~ Sally Webster on looking like IT
Coronation Street is an award winning brand of soap. It has won awards for "Loudest Fart of the year" won by Fred Elliott. It also won "Funniest voice of the year" constantly, the award is won by Ashley the Butcher, which he occasionally lends to close friend and bum-chum Gary Neville Chamberlain, former captain of Manchester United and current UK Prime Minister. The programme is the highest-rated programme on British television amongst illegal immigrants and people who come from Manchester.
The show was created by some bloke and is produced by Granada Television (now branded ITV Productions), holder of the ITV franchise for the north-west of England, and was initially shown only in that area. Unfortunately, some people who have no concept of the word "quality" thought that everyone else in England wanted to see it too, and what do you know? For some reason they did.
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[edit] Setting
Coronation Street (commonly nicknamed and written as 'Penis') is set in a fictional street in Manchesterland, England. The programme focuses on the lives of various spacemen and Cowboys , from the saucy Desperate Deirdre to the incredibly articulate Girating Jack Duckworth. Regular storylines include people having affairs, Shootouts, people having affairs, Pirate Video (Tricky Dicky being the prime suspect of this), people having affairs, the aforementioned Jack breaking his back ,and of course, people having affairs (or 'af-furs' as it is pronounced in Manchesterland!). Coronation Street has a large range of characters, from the old to the old, from the black to the yellow, from the fat to the gay and from the breasts to the Blacks. Despite all the differences, all the characters share one important thing: they all like a decent shootout now and then. It's claims to fame include being home to the oldest plum this side of Norwich and being the birth place of the now famous six fingered glove.
[edit] Current Characters
| Ken Barlow | Been in the series the longest, Deirdre's ventriloquist dummy. Officially the most boring man in Britain. |
| Emily Bishop | Bible bashing old fart also remarked to be the devils bitch. Has been know to practice cannibalism. |
| Rita Sullivan | Red headed shop worker by day, exotic dancer at night. |
| Betty Williams | Makes hot pot, which is believed to be a northern term for diarrhoea... that's about it, really. |
| Deirdre Barlow | Super-Extra-marital moany four-eyed bitch with a neck like a turkey. |
| Gail Platt | A ferret/lampshade halfbreed. ET with an Anthea Turner wig. No chin. Likes putting her hands on her hips. |
| Blanche Hunt | Nasty evil old bastard, Deirdre's mother, likes putting people down, no wonder Deirdre's always been such a miserable cunt. Once stated that her wonky eye is in fact a glass eye, her original one was lost in a battle with a grizzly bear (Jack Duckworth). |
| Audrey Roberts | Gail's mother, looks more like her sister, but not as ugly. Ex-slag. |
| Jack Duckworth | Wears a plaster on his glasses. Lazy labour-queue typical. |
| Kevin Webster | Likes oil...in the bedroom. |
| Bill Webster | Mr. Lover man. |
| Sally Webster | Shagabout cunt that thinks her shit dosen't stink |
| Liz McDonald | Strangely MILF landlady |
| Steve McDonald | Liz's son, looks like a gay straight bloke. He is related to frankenstein. |
| Rosie Webster | Massive slut, would literally fuck anybody as long as she got something out of it. Recently got kidnapped for a few weeks and nobody gave a shit, twatted John Stape, which resulted in a cartoon sound effect. BOING!! |
| David Platt | Sneaky little bastard, makes Gail's life hell, the only boy on the street that isn't female. |
| Norris Cole | Emilys bitch, nosy bastard who looks like a cartoon mole. Also the Street paedophile. |
| Sophie Webster | Gonna be a whore someday, just like big sister, only more chavy. |
| Roy Cropper | Wears cardigans, runs a greasy-spoon, fugly, married a tranny who fucked off to Africa for a year. Spends about five minutes saying "Hello" and stuttering. In real-life, you'd cross the street to avoid him. Neo-Nazi, has a fetish for leather. |
| Ashley "The Butcher" Peacock | 30 something year old yet his balls haven't dropped yet, but there's still hope, especially with such a masculine name like Ashley! Has anyone seen his wife recently? |
| Janice Battersby | Chucky/Janette hybrid. |
| Leanne Battersby | Scheming bitch, former prostitute, another character with a wonky eye |
| Tyrone Dobbs | Fat meat-headed mechanic. |
| Dev Alahan | Slimy arab corner shop owner, he likes him some curry, DIRKA DIRKA. Fucked Deirdre. As you do. |
| Eileen Grimshaw | Likes dirty cab phone call, a bit of a fat pig. Smokes superkings cigarettes. |
| Maria Connor | Nice ass, personality like an angry frying pan. Recently widowed... so back on the market. Result! Uses an American football as a baby bump. |
| Kirk Sutherland | Likes dogs cocks in his arse, looks like a yokel. Thick as shit. |
| Jason Grimshaw | Arrogant builder twat, has shagged half the street. |
| Fiz Brown | FAT GINGER FAT BLOBBY FAT FUCKER, PHWOAR. She looks like those Hippos from Fantasia, but with ginger hair |
| Joshua Peacock | Ugly Josh never ever said a word, how did low lifed bitch Maxine manage to get such a monstrocity from her cheat doctor? Lives with a gingernut and a guy with loose balls, destined to become a serial mute killer. |
| Sean Tully | Gay Villager. Universally hated. Even Graham Norton isn't as camp. |
| Chesney Battersby/Brown | A ginger child, aged by 6 years in a matter of weeks, loves his dog a bit too much... |
| Amy Barlow | About 17 year old now yet she has never spoken a word. Has been played by 341 people over the years, noticed by a large monobrow. |
| Kelly Crabtree | Annoying little cow, spends her time sniffing knickers and buying clothes from Prostitutes Warehouse. |
| Lloyd Mullaney | Space man turned into a taxi driver. It's a good promotion. It's time for Robot Wars! Caught doing crack in the back of his cab, in real life. ACTIVATE! |
| Amber Kalirai | Dev's daughter, thinks she's badass, but looks like a horse. |
| Molly Compton | OMG pass the margarine you sexy bitch! |
| Becky Granger | A rather hot chav, would look good in a pinny, and nothing else! |
| Michelle Connor | Remember the dark haired one from Hear'Say? |
| Freddie Peacock | Never ever ever recurring EVER seen, repeat never seen, always staring at friend and foe |
| Ryan Connor | Has recently found out his mother is actually his dead father. ALways wears his school uniform. Has traded in hair for a black helmet. |
| Liam Connor | Worked in a knicker factory. Could only master one emotion... angst. Was married to Maria, had Carla on the go and still looked miserable as fuck. Luckily the viewers were put out of their misery when Tony had the lucky bastard ran over. |
| Carla Connor | Yet another, who works in a knicker factory, only MILF, shagged Liam, once in May 08 then in October, big fat lips |
| Wiki Dankowska | Sponging polak factory worker, and is a fat bitch |
| Darryl Morton | Jewish scumbag wwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy too frizzy hair, fit to many - dumped by many! |
| Teressa Morton | Ugly Ugly Ugly Ugly Ugly Ugly Ugly fucking bitch who shoved Jerry's dick down her fadge before shoving a handful of tablets down his throat! |
| John Stape | Miserable old Paedophile — shagged Rosie, dumped by gingernut Fiz Brown, was victim of malicious cartoon sound effect by Rosie. |
| Tony Gordon | Entices Carla and Jason into doing stuff for him using a bionic eye, killed Liam off after hearing about him doing Carla up the arse multiple times. Can read your mind if you stare into his eye. |
| Dan Mason | Not much to say about Dan, but he did hit it off with a prozzy, always pulls a sad smile |
| Tina McIntyre | Forever asked by Gary Windass to pretend to be David Platt. |
| Ted Paige | Our favourite gay granddad. |
| Clare Peacock | Prudish bore! Unfortunatley, not played by the sexy Gemma Bissix! |
| Gary Windass | Ginger sex-God who wants to plough Tina only if she pretends to be David. Yup. |
| Peter Barlow | Likes to be at sea. With men. Hint. Also, lazy dad. Sold his son Si on eBay. |
| JD | Tubby twat, floppy-haired wino who wanted Michelle’s fadge. Shudder. |
| Tracey Barlow | Prison bird, Corrie’s first shemale. |
| Simon Barlow | Weird looking kid with no neck. |
| Graeme Proctor | Retarded person who has just got out of jail, he delivered the pies and his work here is done and must have gone through puberty while living in Beeston! |
