Cosmology and sex

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“I'm a Libra, what's your sign?”

I want to warn all viewers of this article: I'm a stone cold professional. If you edit my text, 
I will warm up, start expanding because of the temperature change, and eventually explode, 
destroying my computer (since I sit here day in day out). Other than that, I can give no reason why you 
shouldn't do whatever you please with it.

This text was edited during the dark hours of the night and the even darker daylight savings hours. This is a proud, enhusiastic and absolutely exact attempt to review our cosmology to better accord with the beliefs of most of us (or at least some). The reason is obvious: the scientific method cannot be said to satisfy the average customer, thus making cosmos largely unmarketable as an idea. Can you come up with any useful reason why I shouldn't be right? Can you? Good! Read on then!

The new Cosmos, soon to be popular if not already.

The Earth is flat[edit]

Many times I have wondered about the Flat Earth Society. How can they claim the Earth is flat when the hills and mountains are so clearly tangible? There are lakes, rivers, and so forth - these people probably never leave their homes. I suggest a healthy excursion to the nearest hill!
Note: this particular piece of cosmology has nothing to do with sex, and is therefore fairly uninteresting. We can drop it right here and move on to the next item.

The Moon is not an image[edit]

If the Moon actually exists, it's farther away than I thought it was. I have tried to reach the Moon from the highest peak I could find, and I had no chance of touching it. I have no TV, and so haven't seen Armstrong walk on the so-called Moon, and even if I had seen it, I wouldn't believe it, and even if I did believe it, I would call it unbelievable. I would stop believing it the moment I switched off the set, even if I had any. I cannot think of any way of convincing myself about the Moon being anything else but an image.
The Moon is, by and large, closely connected with sex. Have you ever heard of a romantic walk in the moonlight, and sex afterwards? If you haven't, read up on it! It appears you only need to take a lady out on such a walk, and you're done. No chocolate, no dinners, no fancy wines and so forth. This is budget sex. I have never tried it myself, so I cannot give you any examples on how to proceed. I imagine you just walk up to a lady when the Moon is visible and say something like: "Hey, the Moon is visible, let's go for a walk and have sex, OK?" Nine times out of ten she should say: "OK, that's a reasonable idea!" or something to that effect. This is, however, untested by the author, as I already mentioned. Don't blame me if you get slapped, or kicked in the privates, or murdered by her boyfriend who stands right beside her.
Note: You can notice boyfriends fairly easily. They are male and often have their arm around the lady's waist and what have you.

The Sun is a star[edit]

This is clearly rubbish. Have you ever seen a star? They're small pinpricks of light, not some blasting hot lamp you cannot even look at. I'm disgusted at even trying to think of anything more to write about this.
You can often "pick up birds" on a sunny beach. Apparently the idea is just to walk up to a female and say: "Let's have sex!" It should work. If it doesn't, I'm worth nothing as a scientist.

The Star are actually distant suns[edit]

Don't even mention this one to me.
Stars are an excellent excuse for having sex. The idea is basically to say: "WOW!! Look at those beautiful stars and then have sex with me, OK?"

There are planets[edit]

This discussion has its uses. You can mislead some female into believing planets somehow determine our fate, and get them to have sex with you (I hate to add this but - the females, not the planets). This is the best idea "science" has ever bestowed upon us.

Examples of a fruitful discussion about planets[edit]

Example 1
"Hello, have you been here long? Nice atmosphere, isn't it?"
"OK, my sign is Leo. What's yours?"
"Mine is Leo too!"
"Let's have sex, shall we? It seems to be our destiny!"
"All right, you win."
Leo is the scariest of Astronomical signs
Another example, or Example 2
"Hello, how long have you been here? This party really sucks!"
"My sign is Leo, what's yours?"
"Sagittarius, you jerk!"
"But Mars is ascending now - isn't that significant? Let's have sex!"
"OK, lover boy, but just this once."
As is plainly visible by these sample discussions provided, females fall for that one fairly easily. The second example shows, however, how a Sagittarius is not very interested in a Leo. You'll do better if you check up on the lady beforehand: find out her birthday, make up your own accordingly, and bingo! she's game.

Conclusion: The universe is mostly sexy[edit]

As I have scientifically proved, there is a lot of sex to be had just by aiming your remarks concerning the universe at the females surrounding you. If there are none, do this:
1. Go out of your apartment
This means standing up, going out of the room through the door, walking down the stairs if you have any, walking out of the house through the front door or back door. You should be out now. If you are not, you will have to take some extra steps to a direction your room is not in. If it is dark, you may be in your basement. It's also possible that it's nighttime. In this case you had better retrace your steps and go back to your room. Of course you can just as well walk around during night, but if you had trouble getting out of your apartment, I would advise against it.
2. Look around and see if there are any females in sight
3. If there are none, walk to another location - preferably with people in it - and repeat step 2.

Who's to blame for the misinformation of the last few decades?
It's always important to find the guilty. Otherwise we wouldn't be able to blame them. The University of Madagascar is often used for shifting the blame since it's so far away, and accordingly has more attraction. There you got it! Attraction really does grow with distance! It's amazing!
The light of scientific freedom