Cossack

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Cossacks are a generally unruly group of people rooted in early 20th century Russia. While they are not noted for any especially unspeakable behavior, they are historically frowned upon as rude, unkempt, and facially unacceptable. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, they hold the record for most consecutive turns spent with Chaotic-Evil alignment. They are not welcome in shops.

Contents 1 How to Spot a Cossack 2 Cossack Behavior 3 The Cossack Movement 3.1 What Happens When You Put 300 Cossacks in the Same Tavern? 3.2 The Famous Speech (Interpretation) 3.3 Early Response 3.4 Cossack Science (aka: the Vodka Years) 3.5 The Decline 4 Conclusion

[edit] How to Spot a Cossack

The greater proportion of Cossacks are five-foot tall Russian mercenaries that are composed of 50% beard, 40% fur hat, and 10% smell. Most are described as beards with legs wearing army pants. A few Cossacks have abandoned their traditional garb; these "chameleon Cossacks" are more difficult to identify, at least from a distance of more than forty yards. Like most Russians, these assimilated Cossacks are not pleasing to the eye and are noticeable by their fuzzy popehats with earflaps, their trenchcoats, and chevrons. The major difference is that Cossacks are much more intense and look like the talking M & Ms with the arms and legs protruding from the face, except that the colorful candy shell is replaced with a black tangle of beard.

[edit] Cossack Behavior

Cossaks are closely related to Mongols, with the two often coming to blows over raping rights in the Urals and Siberia. However, this seems abit futile, as we all know nothing actually lives in Siberia or the Urals except ice niggers who would most likely steal your horse.

Russians speak in unintelligible grunts and write in scribbles. Most of their time is spent scowling, but sometimes, they yell. They just aren't impressed with you. Cossacks are like this, too. However, they also exhibit some class-specific behavior. As a result of low respect for authority and poor self-esteem, Cossacks are commonly observed doing the following:

1. Chewing with their mouths open.
2. Unintelligibly grunting with their mouths full.
3. Writing scribbles on war plans.
4. Missing the toilet.
5. Peeing off overpasses.
6. Spitting.
7. Not using coasters.
8. Walking around with their flies open.
9. Punching babies.
10. Flatulating in poorly-ventilated public environments.
11. Reading Nietsche aloud, with random emphasis on syllables.
12. Leaving the toilet seat up.
13. Putting the toilet seat down, then defecating on it.
14. Removing the toilet seat altogether and playing horseshoes with it in church.
15. Changing lanes without signalling.
16. Touching all the straws in the straw dispenser.
17. Distributing wedgies.
18. Not washing their hands
19. Enjoying the movie Super Troopers.
20. Waiting for you to leave the lunch table, then taking the straw out of your milk, inserting it into a ketchup packet, then placing the rigged straw back into the milk.
21. Rocking out to old skool Metallica.
22. Making your beer warm.
23. Sleeping with your wife and your daughter. At the same time. Twice.
24. Shouting random prime numbers at old ladies with strange purple hair.
25. Raping, pillaging and plundering at their own valition

[edit] The Cossack Movement

Cossacks have always existed in Eastern Europe, but unionized and became colonial in the 1920s to protest the possibility of a Great Depression in the United States. The idea was to become so crass and so unpredictable in nature that Americans would view them as either entertaining or so annoying that they would become angered, rather than saddened by the stock market crash. Some Cossacks hoped the Americans would even blame them for their shattered lives.

[edit] What Happens When You Put 300 Cossacks in the Same Tavern?

You get a lot of unwashed hands leaving the restroom. And that's what they got when Rasputin's younger brother, Yevgeny, called an all-hands (unwashed) meeting on July 17th, early 1920s. Every Cossack from Lithuania to Poland strapped on his fuzzy earflappy popehat and hopped on the Trans-Siberian Express (it stops at every breadline in Eastern Europe). One by one, ten thousand Cossacks converged on Uli's Ale Hole in Eastern Europe City, Eastern Europe, papers in hand (you can't get your unionization if you don't have your papers!).

There they were: fathers, sons, uncles, funny uncles, grandfathers and cousins--all Cossacks--sitting amongst one another, swigging stouts, scowling and having beard contests. The ruckus continued well into the night, until Yevgeny Rasputinson began lobbing spittoons at each and every man in the room. Once he had their attention, he began to explain the situation that would destroy America within eight or so years.

[edit] The Famous Speech (Interpretation)

It's extremely difficult to pull much content from a man who grunts for a living. To make matters worse, Cossacks specialize in unintelligible grunts. In layman's terms, it's like trying to write out the works of Beethoven by ear...but you don't have ears because a Cossack stole them. With that in mind, here are the transcripts from that evening's presentation, as recorded by Oasis.

Gentlemen! I apologize for the random spittooning, but nothing demands your direct attention like a projectile to the old noodle. Am I right, folks? Now, keep swigging your stouts, but as you do so, realize that by the late 1920s, the United States will be so poor that it will hardly have any stouts to swig at all. Dust will be everywhere. Casual acquaintances will be sharing the same pair of shoes. No one will have any money and lawlessness will ravage the country. Now, I know this all seems commonplace to a Cossack, but the Americans are fragile. We must distract them and give them hope through our clownish shenanigans.

Are any of you familiar with the concept of borrowing on credit? Of course not! You're socialists! Pipe down! What's a Bolshevik going to do with an American Express card? You can't even use that at Burger King. Yet, this is the very system that will ruin the Americans by the end of the late 1920s! In essence, Americans will soon begin treating the bank like the pathetic nerdy kid in the front of the class who lends everyone his favorite toys and snacks, believing they will be his friend forever and pay him back later. People! The bank has not yet invented the credit limit, nor the transaction register! The system does not have a backbone! It will not stand!

I have contemplated several solutions in anticipation of this foreboding time for the Americans: bunt cake bake-offs, sturdy boot drives, Popehatapalooza and Take Your Midwife to Work Day. However, because Cossacks eat everything in sight, use sturdy boots as currency, can't play any instruments except the hurdy-gurdy and are so busy procreating that the midwife can't afford a day off, none of this can be executed with the rigor a Cossack is so used to exhibiting. Therefore, we must take it upon ourselves to create such a stir that the Americans believe the Eastern Hemisphere is being launched simultaneously into Hell and outer space! Gentlemen, the world is your stage. If you have trouble remembering the list of things we do that make us Cossacks, I will publish it in a very safe and private place exclusive to Cossacks. It should be easy to spot, as it will forever be labeled as a list, no matter how much content is added to supplement it! In case its list status is revoked, never fear! I can't back that up. Anyways, have at it!

[edit] Early Response

Rarely does a powerful speech such as that hit a Cossack and fall on deaf ears. Deaf, hairy ears. Alas, every burly Cossack in that room furrowed his brow, polished his chevrons and vacated the tavern, leaving behind him a trail of broken glass, assorted spilled liquids and beer farts that would have made Rasputin himself proud. Under the direction of Yevgeny Rasputinson, the Cossack movement saw much early success and flourished for four and a half years. In its infancy, it became most recognized for directly causing an increase in unhinged stall doors in public restrooms, barn yard impropriety, curt language, strongly worded letters, minor traffic accidents and malodorous emissions. Such adolescent behavior sustained the movement adequately, creating a buzz and allowing the cause to grow like a toe hole on a sturdy boot. However, in the mid 1920s, sensing the late 1920s were upon them, Cossack scientists sprang (sprung?) into action.

[edit] Cossack Science (aka: the Vodka Years)

Granted, Cossacks were never recognized for anything that could even remotely be considered something resembling a slight pass at an IQ, Cossack scientists handed the world one of the greatest discoveries the mid 1920s Eastern European countries had ever seen. Disguising the experiment as Project Taterhead, Dr. Merlin Spatterzhik, whose only qualification as a doctor was that he had lost his combat jacket in a fart-igniting accident and had since replaced it with a labcoat, conjectured that he could melt a potato into an intoxicating libation. From his abstract:

What do the United States have more than anything else? Irish! What do Irish have more than anything else? Potatoes! Who stands to lose the most from a stock market crash? Irish-Americans! It's a no-brainer, which is convenient for me! Ungh!

And thus, the experiment was a success, creating a potato-vodka trade between mid 1920s Eastern Europe and the pre-depression United States and boosting the economy slightly while providing an ingestible crude oil with which to fuel the Cossack hijinks of which the Americans had grown so fond. The polluted Irish also managed to sneak in a shot or two of the stuff and subsequently invented the bar fight, giving the peak of the Cossack movement a couple more good years.

[edit] The Decline

In the early afternoon of August 12, mid 1920s, the Cossack movement suffered an insurmountable loss. Its leader, Yevgeny Rasputinson, was arrested for public defecation at the Vatican during a brisk walk back to his hotel from Pope Johnny's Poop and Shoot Saloon. Much to his dismay, he discovered that the Vatican was one of three countries where public defecation is a capital crime. Rasputinson was sentenced to death by headlock and his body was shipped to Moscow, where it was encased in steel and buried in the exact geographical center of town. The accuracy of the dig was impeccable.

The movement still had life, but passion without direction is chaos. While that is what Cossacks are all about, many of their tactics are considered brash and unbecoming of a civilized individual, commonly resulting in arrests. And, being without a union, it was difficult for them to obtain appropriate representation and nearly all were convicted on various counts of arson, lewd conduct, public indecency, refusal to bathe, disturbance of the peace, disorderly conduct, drunk and disorderly conduct, public drunkenness and skateboarding in prohibited areas. Few of these charges carry more than a year of jail, but during the time spent in isolation, many Cossacks became emo. I think we can all agree that emo is the antithesis of the Cossack movement.

It goes without saying that the Cossack movement, while fun and exciting, was an indisputable failure. The market crashed in the late 1920s, causing despair and birth defects for years to come.

[edit] Conclusion

While the Cossack movement has come and gone, one can still observe a rogue Cossack partaking in his usual routine of kick-dancing, yelling at hooligans, scratching his groin and taking whatever the hell he wants. For the most part, they tend to congregate around sporting events, college campuses and biker bars. Interestingly enough, they rarely appear in groups, as evidenced by the fact that every social gathering has one and exactly one asshole. Well, I guess that's all that needed to be said, really. Cossacks are just glorified assholes that used to have a union. That would have made this whole thing a lot shorter.