Costa Rica
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |||||
| Motto: US Dollar Accepted | |||||
| Anthem: Something by Some Guy | |||||
| |||||
| Capital | Sangelina Jose | ||||
| Largest city | Los Guido | ||||
| Official languages | Spanish, Chinese | ||||
| Government | Corrupt American Sponsored Oligarchy | ||||
| Satan, Jesus or the Jew | El Cadejos | ||||
| Prime Minister | |||||
| National Hero(es) | {{{national_heros}}} | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | Yesterday. Probably. Maybe. Who the fuck knows? Whos the fuck cares? | ||||
| Currency | Litres | ||||
| Religion | US Dollars paganism, duckism | ||||
| Major exports | Gallo Pinto, Natural Resources, Ticas | ||||
| Major imports | Tourists | ||||
| Opening hours | Happy Hour | ||||
“I feel it's only a facade hiding the face of hell”
~ Oscar Wilde on Costa Rica
Costa Rica doesn't really exist, except as an archaic misnomer. It is in fact a Satanic Qualia controlled type of virtual reality run by the man himself. Costa Paupérrima, blames its misfortune on Christopher Columbus, who allegedly set in motion Murphy's Law by choosing the name "Costa Rica" (meaning "Rich Coast") to refer to the land upon his arrival; similarly the inhabitants are unaware as to why they can never leave, being ignorant of the Satanic forces that control the illusion that is Costa Rica.
Other people say that its correct location is 49º 51' S, 128º 34' O, where apparently the mythic city of Hell is.
Contents |
[edit] History
Costa Rica began as a dream by Adam West and Satan to found a South American country that had the plus of having easy child prostitution, easy drug access and easy beaches without the nasty effect that these pastimes have had on other Latin American countries. It was decided in 1922 that there was no point trying to do this in Latin America, so Costa Rica was shipped to Hell where Satan manufactured a Moebius portal where it would seem that Costa Rica was part of the American Continent. The effects proved promising and Adam West retired there. There was also no need for a military as nobody except Spartans get rowdy in hell. Satan regularly uses the resort as a holiday haven, frequently complementing the Total Recall effect of the place. The ability to have any form of will outside of Satan was also created in Costa Rica, the effect being that misfit backpackers can be unburdened of their cash without any feeling of animosity; these tourists are Costa Rica´s main source of income; the more cash you have, the more beautiful the place. Throughout the nineties the place became famous for the wildlife; these Satan added to give the place a more Eden feel t. The removal of men also means that it's really easy to have sex with the foxy women.
[edit] Big Seduction
The Big Seduction (also known as the deep depression) was when in 2036, a lack of women in the country forced the inhabitants of Costa Rica to flee and invade Venezuela and then come back with approx. 4,537,001 women. The invasion succeeded, but the path back was blocked by amazonians who wanted to spit roast their intestines. They quickly reproduced and fired babies at them to fight them off. After that, when they returned to their homeland, they were encountered with she-males roming the streets of the capital city, Sangelina Jose. They shot them all and lived happily until the current DICKtator took control: Steven Inches.
[edit] Geography
Costa Rica's geography is, at one level, a kind of Paradise. It does, however, promise a few surprises due to it's proximity to hell. Costa Rica will sap the free will of any visitor and the inhabitants. The effects are usually noticed when you try to do some shopping/go for a swim and it's taken two days and three stone off you. These time shifts and the economic drain on tourists are the result of the hell influence on the resort. There are not, contrary to the travel guides, any actual "locations" in Costa Rica, rather an amalgamation of Beach, Sangelina Jose or dense Jungle filled with deadly insects. This is again the result of the pull of the fourth circle of hell on Costa Rica. It may sound bad but it's actually quite pleasant being sapped of any free will or volition; and many go there specifically to escape the existential burden of free will. Costa Rica is the only place on the planet where this is guaranteed
[edit] Economy
Exports:
- Costa Rica's main exports are agrarian: coffee, pineapple, chips from the Intel plant, and shit from its most plentiful natural resource.
- It also produces many freaking raw materials for several industries.
- Costa Rica also exports cheap and poor costumer service provided by some companies such as HP Costa Rica, Sáix and several poker sites and sports books.
- Transshipment point for Cuban Cigars entering the United States of America.
Imports:
- Nicas and Colombians.
- stupid gringos.
- Lots of expensive stuff from Japan and the America made with its own raw materials.
- More stupid Gringos who congregate on the Pacific Coast and in Escazu.
- Rice and Beans, then some.
Income: American Backpackers, Canadian no-lifes in a mid-life crisis, European industrial thieves, Australian tourists and New Zealanders.
Attractions: "Welcome...to Jurassic Park".
Costa Rica´s economy is based on misfit backpackers and German Weirdo Tourists, this economic accumulation has funded many improvements and Satan reports Costa Rica as a 'Tidy Earner'.
The Economy has suffered greatly with many Tourists looking elsewhere as the resort/hell creation is slowly becoming swamped by ex auditionees for Beverly Hill 90210; this is off-putting with their ‘like ya know’ attitude, particularly for anal euro-trash backpackers who have since relocated to Nepal. Other economic ties include selling the natural resources to brutal corporations and then importing the products made with their own resources.
According to the Man, Costa Ricans have developed a fine asphalt-carving skill which allows them to make pavement traps almost everywhere. Their specialty is the tourist-in-a-street-hole trap, which allows them to dispose of all tourists’ belongings. A complex tunneling system then takes all of the victim's belongings to the Virilla River, where Albino Vargas, head of the ICE religious cult, processes them in order to make rainforests. Rainforests are then sold to the highest bidder or exchanged for cigarettes.
A secondary source of income may come with the help of Costa Rica's famous circus side show, known as "la Sele". In times of war, its former manager, Hermes Navarro of the FEDEFUT Costa Rica Subliminal Control Group (CCSS), (which Navarro claims has millions of dollars available, even if no one has found a single cent) - Other associates include La Nacion, the Pope, and Arias el presidente and noble god of Parkinson), who uses "la Sele" as war conscripts. Towns that refuse to pay the holy "la Sele” entertainment service, like Heidelberg in the latest international German conflict, are blackmailed for great sums. Rumor has it that Heidelberg was forced to give away the names of all CAFTA non-supporters. Now La Nacion's owner Julio Rodriguez has taken matters into his own hands and bribed them with free beer, cell phones, jobs as fashion designers and tickets to the new Intel Bar, in Pavas-Escazu.
[edit] Culture
Costa Ricans are known for being much smarter than the average bear and lazier than the average sloth. This is because the process to get/become Costa Rican requires very smart people. Like the Spanish and other Latin-American audiences (such as Mexicans), Costa Ricans seem to love bullfights (although in a different variety), especially during their Christmas and New Year festivities. However, they regard the "staged professional massacre" between bulls and trained matadors inhuman and cruel, so they prefer throwing drunken amateurs into the bullfighting ring instead for fun.
This works well for both sides, since the bulls never get hurt and can nicely walk away and the drunken amateurs offer quite a show when running away from a 1100 pound bull (which somehow never manages to catch them), so it's a win/win situation.
Another favorite pastime for Ticos is burning any piece of trash they can get their hands on. Between January and March the skies are a lovely shade of brown as tires, plastic and cars are burned in an effort to reduce the amount of garbage going to the dump.
The term ¨people¨ has been widely discussed amongst scientists to refer to the inhabitants of this mythical country. Rather ¨Monos - the Tico for Monkeys - that have fallen out of trees¨ should be used. The main features of these monos are no sense of humor (sarcasm is not known to them - they'll just give you a dumb stare) and that they cry on being criticized. They also love to compliment you when you screw up, leaving the hysterical laughter for when you have left.
[edit] Religion
According to his book, "Ode to Me, Myself and Some Anorexic Chick", most Costa Ricans are ardent followers of "Soc-Ceran-Dbee'rr the Cathartic". Religious ceremonies traditionally occupy most of the seventh day; the long purifying ritual involves the ministration of aseptic ferments, like the always popular guaro, to disinfect the body ('inner' cleaning is reportedly given great importance) and relieving mental impurities in verbal form, channeled against the traditional enemy of the worthy, 'Re'Fehr-Ee the Heretic'. Most of the young adults enjoy performing these rituals in the holy temple of "La calle de la Amargura"
[edit] Security
Costa Rican policemen are called "Pacos". The name comes from an alliteration of the mating call of a local species of parrot that has the knack of remaining hidden in the foliage and stockpiling weed.
Pacos have the task of enforcing law and order with very advanced and high-tech equipment, which consists mostly of pistols and shotguns from the Battle of Rivas (held in 1856), and some officials (not all of them) even wear bullet-proof vests and helmets. Combined with the World's most efficient judicial system, where thugs and criminals are sentenced (and freed) within 12 hours, the city of Sangelina Jose is the Most Secure Capital City in Costa Rica. This holds true especially at midnight near La Cueva (a sort of underground Mall), or the "Tierra Dominican", where drugs ARE NOT sold or consumed. At all. Not one bit. Seriously.
The "Pacos" also have the task of keeping the peace at Costa Rica's biggest private parties: Nicas (Nicaraguans), Colombians and lately Dominicans.
[edit] Language?
The cleanest and purest spanish is spoken in Costa Rica. However, a small syntactic variation is made in that every sentence must be transformed in order to be understood by any Costa Rican, using the highly respectful and candid word mae.
For example, these sentences are transformed in the following way:
¿Como está? -> ¿Mae cómo está mae?
¿Qué hace? -> ¿Mae qué hace mae?
¿Adonde va? -> ¿Mae a dónde va mae?
Que bueno -> Mae que bueno mae
Que cagada -> Mae que cagada mae
Just tag a mae in the beginning and end of the sentence.
Also, since Costa Ricans are very gentle, soft-spoken and respectful people, approximately 7 out of 10 words must be high-order honorifics, which can be "puta", "hijueputa", "picha" or "carepicha". Now you know Costa Rican Spanish, mae malparido, mae me cago en tu reputisima madre, mae hijueputa carepicha de mierda.
[edit] Government
Republican Democracy: the Costa Rican government has won an award 23 years in a row for being the most inefficient in all of the Americas. Each of the past 14 Presidents have been indicted for taking bribes while in office. Consistency in political corruption brings pride to thepopulation. This section has been sanctioned by the Costa Rican government
[edit] Trivia
- Costa Rica was chosen in 1894 as the site of the first Olympic Games, by 43 votes to 1. When the others went down to the pub to celebrate a decision well made, the Greek dissenter simply crossed out Costa Rica and wrote in Athens. No one noticed until departing athletes were told at the docks to bring a bouzouki.
- Costa Rica has the world's longest coastline. This was achieved by a bored junior civil servant of a mathematical bent, who filed to have all its internal waterways, including canals, ponds, and wells, international waters for a millimeter-thin strip down the middle of the channel. His is one of the first diagnosed cases of Fractalophilia.
- The most popular dessert in Costa Rica is tapioca pudding, but they eat it with ice-cream.
- It's unknown whether the president Oscar Arias is a devilish and ugly muppet.
- It is confirmed by Aides close to president Oscar Arias, that he is fact a closet homosexual.
- George Dubya Bush found it mentioned on the back of a pack of coffee after becoming President and said to Dick Cheney (thinking it was a coffee bar) "lets go to Costa Rica for some coffee" and was rather surprised when Air Force One was got out of the garage.
- Costa Ricans are referred to as "Ticos" or "Ticas" which in Spanish literally means "many men waving arms at cars while parking in small lots."
[edit] Related Articles
[edit] External Links
- Touirist pluging page from Costa Rican Tourist board
- A profile from the BBC
- Route planner + map of Costa Rica
- Lonely Planet Guide
 | Central America and South America |
| Central: Belize | Costa Rica | El Salvador | Guatemala | Honduras | Kittenolivia | Mexico | New Mexico | Nicaragua | Panama | Panama Canal Zone | |
| South: Argentina (en español) | Bolivia | Brazil (em português) | Republic of Bulimia | Cat Nation | Catspace | Chile (en español) | Colombia (en español) | Easter Island | Ecuador (en español) | Falkland Islands | French Guiana | Galapagos Islands | Guyana | Locombia | Paraguay | Peru (en español) | Seahorsia | Suriname | Uruguay (en español) | Venezuela (en español) |
