Couch

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The common couch is a magical flotation device, as well as a cost-effective mode of transportation. The Couch was invented in 1895 by a man by the name of Jay Wellingdon Couch. As a young boy Jay always wished he had more out of his chair. Yes, he found it comfy, and the pillows were placed correctly, but he couldn't lie down and sleep on it. And since Jay did not have a bed for he was poor he always had to sleep strapped to the wall. Henceforth, Jay invented the couch, which he first called the "Longer than a Chair, but not quite as big as a bed, but you can still sleep on it in a comfortable manner, yet you can sit up because it has a back" 3 weeks later, Jay passed away while flossing. His family and friends didn't love him anyway. They took all the credit for his invention and didn't feel he was important enough to have a funeral so they just stuffed him and used him as door mat. Later they decided to use his skin as a cover for the couch and sold millions of them.

Carrying Capacity[edit]

One usually sits on a couch. As, that is what one does, as opposed to 42, which does not sit on the couch, as that would be far too many unless of course, it is a very large couch. The exception is Tom Cruise, who does not sit in the couch, but instead hyperactively jumps around on it, drooling obscenely and force-frying anyone unfortunate to be close.

Surfing couches[edit]

Tom Cruise showing Oprah how to properly use a couch.

Some people are known to take a couch and jump off a big cliff, usually they run after the visionary couch lemming. This is called "the CouchSurfing mission". For this reason Couchsurfers are not known for their old age. But luckily they died comfortable. Tom Cruise later started the terrorist splinter group called OpenCouchSurfing.


Side Effects of Prolonged Exposure to Couches[edit]

Over-couchness, by definition the state of having done been on the couch too damn long, causes a large array of health problems for practitioners of assal horizontology. These dreadful afflictions include becoming infected with religion, transforming into a couch potato, getting huffed to death, and/or developing Fetal Couch Syndrome. Sitting on a couch for too long can also have the strange effect of impressing upon thou who hast sat that he, she, or it, has seen God in their coffee cup. These strange visions are to be ignored at all costs, along with the memories of every previous time that you have ever sat on a couch, which has a tendency to flash before your eyes and then promptly punch you in the face every time you sit down. Again.

The Failed Couch Revolution[edit]

The future of couches was to change forever, but breifly, and then appear as if it had never happened on the 3rd October 2003. Sick of being sat on for years just to end up on the side of the road with questionable stains and an ungodly scent the group, "Couch Revolution Histerectomy" was formed. Numbering in the hundreds of millions the group waged a war of terror, uniting couches of all colours and shapes under one banner. The war lasted 4 months and ended with the sacking of Jerusalem. The Taliban were outraged by this new race capable of waging war. They expelled the couches from the city using wine and period blood (mortal couch enemies) hence undoing the revolution and restoring things to the way they were. They have since been using couch war tactics to great effect.

Why was it made?[edit]

English people wanted something soft to sit on, that's not a bloody wooden chair. American people wanted a chair so big, that the whole body of an american person could fit in the chair. German people wanted a place to show off their lame rapping skills. Frenchies wanted something, but no one understood what they said. Chinese people wanted some cheap shit to sell to Americans. Korean people wanted a new fuel for Atomic Bombs. Mexicans wanted something to trade with the Americans so they could cross the border. Canadians wanted something to make out of maple syrup. Or not who knows?

Couches Today[edit]

Couches today now live in peace among humans and the house pets who regularly sleep on them. They make demands of human telepathicaly without the homo sapiens realizing resulting in long naps and hours of doing absolutely nothing exepct sitting on the couch and watching tv. This is also a major cause of child obesity and aids. Sex on couches is something the couches refuse to comment on as many of our couchal friends enjoy it but many do not like to clean up after, which someday may result in Couch War II.