Cow war

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Theodore Hemingway[edit]

After the events of the Chernobyl explosion welsh mountain animals have been mutating (Supersheep, the famed character/weapon from the computer game series "WORMS" serves as a well known example of one such mutant). In April 1999 a day-old lamb by the name of Theodore Byron Hemingway ate what is believed by scientists to be the most radioactive blade of grass since the Somerfield nuclear meltdown of 1974.

Hemingway gained an estimated 583 IQ points within the space of a month and spent several weeks hidden in a woven grass yurt, developing the Brain Pulse √úbertron 500 (BPU 500) which was then used to stimulate Frisian cow brain activity to an average IQ above the Borington chav-line, but below 60.

Acquisition of Bovinators[edit]

Theodore's next step was to buy stocks in the cattle-feed company, Moo-Donalds using money gained by selling uranium stolen from the farmer's shed to the Russians. Once he had control of the company he subtly edited the feed bags to display suggestive images causing the Frisians to believe that the genetically superior Brown cows were in fact, their food. This combined with reduced calorie content and some drugs currently under examination in the feed led to 89 percent of the brown cow population to be eaten overnight and "cow-beans" being sown in the following day's ablutions.

As soon as the cow-beans hatched, they burrowed into the cows' uteri and masqueraded as calves until the time came to act. These Noo-cows as they called themselves were equally matched to the brown cows. And then one day came the message from Theodore to kill all the Brown Cows giving world cow-order to the Noo-cows lead by Theodore. Using weapons created by the evil sheep genuis the Noo-cows tried to brutally kill all the cows that gave them birth. Popular choices were poison grass, AK47's, Cowzookas, and it is even believed that the Noo-cows hired Michael Vick for his experience in killing animals. Without a leader (or an IQ above 15) the Brown Cows were no match for the Noo-cows

The Tides Turn[edit]

The Brown Cow population declined to about 1% of what it was before Theodore's madness. And then one fateful day in Armenia, a Noo-cow killed the Brown Cow of one of the former owners of a kitten in System of a Down Bassist, Shavo Odadjian's beard. Being the angry-elite team of soldiers they are, they started a crusade against the Noo-cows. The first goal of the System of a Down was to stop a Brown Cow extinction, next they planned to destroy Theodore's HQ and then finnaly, Theodore himself.


System of a Down's first goal was to save the Brown cows from extinction. They figured that if they take all the Swiss Brown Cows they would have enough to repopulate the the, well population. After a long plane ride, (with the band sitting next to Rosie O'Donald, God that would suck, espicially that even in the 747, all four had to cram into one seat) they arrived in France and reportedly killed 72 people to take out the frustration of the plane ride. Traveling by Ski lift, they arrived in Switzerland in seven hours. Shavo Placed himself ontop of a mountain sniped a guard and the rest was history. They shipped the cows in card board boxes to another part of Switzerland knowing that it would not be invanded by Noo-cows due to the neutrality of the Swiss.

Breaking In[edit]

The next mission was to break into Theodore's head quarters, but first they must find it. While in Switzerland John Dolmayan found a Noo-cow officer and placed an explosive tracking device on it. This device happened to be his hand. For fear of death the Noo-cow lead the band right to the HQ in Swaziland. Getting into the facility was easy enough, Serj Tankian just had to call an artillery strike with his voice, loud enough to be heard approximately 362 miles. The building's guard points were all taken out except there were some guards left, taken out by Daron Malalalalakian's machine gun. Walking down a straight hallway they saw only one door, with the words of "Theodore's Room". Simple enough, but how simple will it be to kill Theodore?

Killing Theodore[edit]

After a long journey (not really, but it sounds good) System of a Down had finnally gotten to the source of the Cow War. They opened the door and saw a sheep sitting in a chair, little did System of a Down know he was the mastermind. The "sheep" turned the chair to face the soldiers and began to speak. This scared the roots of the hair on Shavo's head so much that they all died of fright, accounting for his baldness. (In a Star Wars The Emporer voice) "I have been waiting for you, but you will not stop me and the Noo-cows from domination. For you see this has been coming for a long time, there must be a time when every spieces expiernces evolution. And for the Brown Cows that time is NOW! Ha ha ha ha...." Theodore then pulled out the Noo-cows most deadly weapon from his fur, the poison grass. The band looked at the sheep in a strange way and he responded with, "Oh shit. You guys aren't cows are you." The battle you thought was going to be epic turned out not to be when Daron Malalalalakian shot him a few times.


After seeing what had happened and what they had done System of a Down went into the -istan mountains to be more peaceful and only destroy rocks instead of living beings. Other than that and the cost of beef rising a few dollars a barrel nothing really changed. Oh, environmentalists had another thing to complain about.