St David

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about St David.

St David is the patron saint of leek soup, a mighty warrior who lived once upon a time in a far-off land, called Wales. He became known as Daffy to his friends, because he enjoyed making them all wear Daffodils. One of them later realised that Daffy is also the Welsh word for David, and he has been known as David ever since.

Youth[edit]

In his youth, David was a shepherd-boy, and made his living by counting sheep. This proved to be a frustrating and fruitless existence, as he soon discovered that Wales has far too many sheep to count. So he attempted to satisfy himself by counting lions, tigers, and bears, oh my! However, these had an annoying tendency to bite the heads off of bats, kittens, sheep, and David.

Claim to Fame[edit]

But our hero, David, being an upwardly-mobile kind of guy, raised himself out of this terrible existence by fighting the mighty giant Goliath, who had been holding the local people in terror. But Goliath was no match for St David, who with a pea-shooter and a single pellet of sheep poo, first struck him in the balls, then ricocheted to his forehead and knocked him out. And thus he won the smackdown.

David buried the giant, climbed onto his grave, and from there began to preach to the assembled people. But as he did so, the giant woke from his coma, and began thinking about all the fair maidens of the land that he would like to ravish. And as Goliath thought these thoughts of maidens as he lay buried under David, lo, the ground under David did rise, until a great mound did appear under his feet. And therefore all the people did say, "lo, a great miracle hath occurred, for the ground hath been raised where he standeth". And they had him stand on the giant in all parts of Wales, and the ground rose in those places too, and thus was created even the mighty Mount Snowdon.

Decline[edit]

But soon Goliath became narked off with being stood on and began to storm and thunder. And David went cowardly custard at the wrath of Goliath and ran away to the farthest corner of Wales, which he called St David's. And he stayed there the rest of his days. In his spare time he played harp for his friend Jonathan until Jonathan's father, Saul, threw a spear at him for playing the wrong note in his favorite song and banished him from the house.

Love Life[edit]

Jonathan's hot sister Michelle (who for some odd reason always spelled her name Michal) was David's first crush. But she insisted that he prove his love for her by bringing her 200 pints of Foreskin beer by the brand Fill-Stein. However, she dumped him after she saw him dancing drunkenly in the streets one day wearing less than nothing with a REALLY hot blonde, also in less than nothing. Soon after, David had an affair with a woman named Bathsheba for her love of taking baths. David got the hots for her when he saw her (through the slats in the fence) in her yard, where she was sunbathing in the nude. When confronted by her husband Uriah, David's response was, "It wasn't me!". Then Uriah drew a moustache and glasses on David and chopped off his penis.