Crack

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“Crack is the essensial part of the living, um, yea... Okay come on! So what if I'm fucking out of quotes! You guys think I can just pull these god damn quotes out of my ass, huh? It's not as fucking easy as you motherfuckers make it sound! So fuck you! Fuck all of you!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Crack

Leroy "Moochie" Barnes / Chris "Rock" after "sampling" the product

Crack-Cocaine, not to be confused with the less popular Buttcrack-Cocaine, known as Crack, rocks, pot, baby nuts, donkey dick sauce, George Bush's eye shadow, and that shit my cousin ray-ray be sellin is a totally safe tool to get uber fuxed up, and like all good things, was invented in the late 1960’s at the University of California, Berkeley. Ronald Reagan distributed it in an effort to purge the nation of African-Americans, but has managed instead to only re-subjugate them to Caucasian dominance after a temporarily successful revolt, known commonly as the “Civil Rights Movement”. Though the purge was incomplete, this secondary effect has been deemed “satisfactory” by The Man, the unquestioned clandestine ruler of the United States and the world.

[edit] Chemistry

Crack is mined in an impure form, invented by Adam Wentland of Lodi, CA, containing small amounts of cocaine, human fecal matter, dog fecal matter, beer, bat guano, vodka, monosodium glutomate, dandruff, and mud from the side of the road. With a more recent method, patented by GlaxoSmithKline crack can now be fully synthesized from the blood of newly born kittens. But I make mine from cocaine and baking soda.

Crack was immediately confiscated by The Man, and remained unused for several years, as The Man and his advisement council could not decide of how to use it. In addition, The Man and his council were overseeing the impending assassinations of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and Senator Robert F. Kennedy.

Knowing the dangerous potential of Crack, it was kept secret to keep Caucasians from becoming addicted, as that was seen as a potential way to cause the downfall of the race, leaving the world to Wetbacks and Panic! At The Disco fans. However, after the successful assassinations of King and Kennedy, and the quelling of the subsequent riots, it was decided that Crack would be released – in an effort to stem the growing resentment of blacks toward whites. The goal was not to change opinions, but rather to kill blacks. If unsuccessful, a secondary plan was to create a community-wide, narcotic-induced hysteria, rendering blacks unable to “get it together” to take on The Man.

[edit] Crack and Blacks

[edit] 1980s

The first widespread release of Crack came in 1981, when The Man sent an emissary to Harlem, NY, to meet with local street-level drug dealer Leroy “Moochie” Barnes, aka Chris "Rock". The emissary identified himself only as “Will Case”. Barnes intimates that the stranger was wearing a CIA badge and offered Barnes the chance to “slang that killa shit”.

[edit] Epidemic

Barnes, not one to pass up an eloquently presented deal, immediately bit. The immediate success of the drug sales led to Barnes skyrocketing to the top of the criminal underworld. He went from “corner watcher” to “boss” in eight months, the fastest criminal rise ever, according to statistics printed in “Crack Today” magazine.

Soon, the drug started to take hold of the community nationally, and the progression of blacks and other poor inner-city peoples since the 1940’s was becoming precariously tenuous. Eventually, Crack, coupled with the then-new Hip-Hop music, came to cause a complete collapse of the support system that culture blacks had fought to create over the previous several years.

[edit] “Satisfactory”

Contrary to what The Man and others in his circle had hoped, Crack did not end up killing blacks, as The Man had wished. INSTEAD, it has given their race massive brain damage, causing them to speak with words such as "yo" and "a'ight". Scientists do not know how to correct this speech impediment so for now they are leaving them like this. For that, we are very thankful.

However, The Man and his cohorts started to notice an interesting and developing trend: Crack and Hip-Hop allowed them to re-subjugate blacks and other poor people to his rule. The Man immediately introduced low-paying, slave-wage jobs in order to complete some of the staggering paperwork left undone after the ascension of the Jews to second-class citizens. This particular idea has not found widespread success however, as blacks have shown resistance to the idea of work - particularly in customer service situations where efficiency and friendliness are important. Despite this, blacks remain as solid third class citizens, just ahead of Mexicans, though Mexicans are increasingly showing signs of "leaping the fence" to move ahead of blacks. Mexicans have become incredibly adept at fence leaping in recent years.

[edit] Popularity

Asian.

The white men also found it profitable to sell Crack to Native Americans and Hispanics, to explain the appearance of Cuban and Colombian cartels. Other consumer bases known for their affinity on crack are Haitians and Jamaicans.

[edit] Chappelle's Show

Notorious Crack-user Dave Chappelle created controversy when he got a TV show under the alias "Tyrone Biggums" and used it to show the world how to eat Crack. He also popularized the idea of inhaling Crack, but this fell out of favor when the rocks got lodged in users’ bronchial tubes. He is widely believed to be the inventor of Crack, but this claim is erroneous.

[edit] Talk to Frank

If you think your teenager might be using crack, or any other drug, or you are having problems with crack, our Helpline is available 24/7. (Every seventh leap year, if it's a full moon.) Talk to Frank. Now. Or we'll kill you.

[edit] Types of Buttcrack

Alright, now that we've clearly defined the difference between Crack and Buttcrack, we will go on to the next topic.

First off, There is the plumber crack. This butt crack contains of several types of feces, hair, Flies, Dirt , Sweat, and pie!

These are one of the many gross butt cracks, If you have a case of plumber crack, You can easily cure this with soap, perfume, and a douche!

The next butt crack (and at the top of the food chain) Is stripper buttcrack. These butt cracks are known to be revealed quite often, so it is easy to spot a stripper crack. They are shiny and FILLED TO THE BRIM with semen. Stripper cracks are known to be diseased with many unknown diseases! Men are known to enjoy stripper cracks and they are eaten quite often.

If you come in contact with a stripper crack, Please contact Animal Control as soon as possible. Thank you! And be sure to CLEAN YOUR CRACK!