Cramlington

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Cramlington
Geography
Status: Administrative black hole, Town (782BC)
Region: North East England
Ceremonial County: Tyne and Weird
Surface area:
- Total
Ranked 8798th
Very small, but pleasingly pert
Admin. HQ: Newcastle upon Tyne
Demographics
Population:
- Total (2003 est.)
- Density
Ranked 64th
Moderately dense
2,112,000 / km²
Ethnicity: 61.3% Footballer
23.4% Geordie 15.3% Alcoholic
  1. - Cramlington was officially opened in 1968 by the Red Arrows display team
  2. - Cramlington's high street boasts the last existing branch of Dogger Bank.
  3. - Bizarrely, in Cramlington an ancient law is still officially in place which means that it's actually illegal to buy fish and chips. The local mayor looked into changing this early last year but decided to let it be, upon discovering that the law advertised Cramlington more than even the Cramlinton tourist board, due to its entry in more than four hundred "strange but true" type books.
  4. - The Queen (or the Queen Mum, i forget which) opened Cramlingtons number one entertainment/sports complex "Concordia" many years ago.
  5. - Cramlington traditionally plays host to an annual May Day recreation of the Battle of Naseby, fought between the remaining members of Hermann's Hermits and the Poddington Peas - the prize being this state-of-the-art Xpelair air conditioning system.
  6. - An early draft of "The Wicker Man" was set in Cramlington, and the climax featured Edward Woodward being burnt in a huge effigy of that one out of The Grumbleweeds that looked like Noel Edmonds. The script was so bad that they had to make the proper version, cut it down drastically, and then destroy all the missing footage in order to distract public attention away from it.
  7. - Other notable Cramlington landmarks include the church's pig-faced cock tower and the bins behind Asda's, which at night become a notorious hotspot for sex tourism. Take a torch.
  8. - Anagrams of Cramlington include Morning Talc; Can't Rim Long; C'mon Gnarl It; Non-Grit Clam; Clint Morgan, who by a strange twist of fate is the manager at Dogger Bank; and Matron Cling, who by a strange twist of fate is the local midwife.
  9. in 1978, Cramlington was briefly the world's disco hotspot. The Cramlington Casino (home of the dance craze 'The Cram') regularly shook to the sounds of Somewhere-Between-Northern-And-Midlandsy Soul, the followers of which were known for their wide-brimmed felt hats and "Jonathan Miller presents The Body In Question" t-shirts. Unfortunately, it was bulldozed to make way for a bollard in 1982.
  10. - Symmetrical Facial hair is illegal in lower Cramlington.
  11. - There is a Cramlington-only National Day Of Honour held to mark the day in 1976 when Roy Castle briefly drove past the city.
  12. - Paul Simon did not write the song 'Going Home' in Widnes after all; he wrote it in Cramlington, and the song expresses his burning desire to get as far away from the place as possible. But he did write the more famous "Homeward Bound" on the platform at Widnes railway station.
  13. - Cramlington is still at war with French due to a loophole left in the drawing up of the Magna Carta in 1215 by Lord Sir Stephen of Cram who forgot to remove clause 15b ('Howey man, I divunn nahh aboot yeez but weez got nee tyme far them berrez wuring wankurz doon thath an' that man marrah why aye') due to the burning of his "singing hinny".
  14. - A popular pastime in Cramlington is smashing huge piles of pristine unplayed copies of Frank Wilson's 'Do I Love You? (Indeed I Do)', that Quarrymen acetate, and the withdrawn South African Elvis Presley compilation.
  15. - Birds don't fly through Cramlington. Instead they get down and walk.
  16. - The Vatican't has its only nuclear warhead aimed at cramlington. specifically mr c j burke's newsagency on shaw road. burke and the current pope went to nursery school together in istanbul in the late 1800's and have been at loggerheads since. it is said they enjoyed a fruitful relationship and many many carrots before things went 'bad'. burke sleeps with three bricks and a doberman under his wife's pillow just in case things go 'bad' again.
  17. - michael jackson bought the rights to cramlington in 1987 and frequently rents the town out to various shoe companies who treat it awfully badly now and again. paul mccartney still owns one of the roundabouts somewhere to the west.
  18. - Beatlemania never caught on in Cramlington. Audrey Harriman owned a copy of Beatles for sale for a few years in the late seventies but sold it to avid young record collector robert crumb when he passed through the town in 1980. He subsequently burnt it and scattered the ashes on 'godfrey's hill', a small mound of dirt behind a hedge on the outskirts of the town. if you pass by that hill late on moonless evenings (moonlit evenings were outlawed in 1982 (see #6789)) it is said you will hear 'apache' by the shadows ring out.
  19. - Dexys Midnight Runners frontman Kevin Rowland has made five concept albums about Cramlington up in his head
  20. - In the 80s whenever the Sooty Show toured Cramlington, Matthew Corbett was replaced by a scarecrow due to his intense aversion to the town, the reason for which he has still never disclosed
  21. - Both Etch-A-Sketch and Magna-Doodle were made illegal in Cramlington in 1982 after the Mayor proclaimed them 'works of the devil'.
  22. - Cramlington is twinned with Cramlingville (France), Kramlinstadt (Germany), and Kramlingrad (Russia)
  23. - The town of Cramlington was founded in 1921, from a merger between the neighbouring towns of Cramli and Ngton.
  24. - Cramlington consistently has the lowest voter turnout in the UK. In the 2001 General Election, even the winning candidate lost his deposit.
  25. - The Cramlington Cheesecake, unlike its descendant the London Cheesecake, has no pastry in it, and is made from Cramlington Gruyere and garnished with Cress. Tradintionally it is eaten at 3.30 on Tuesdays, with a glass of warm water.
  26. - Cramlington was originally the desired location for the following events/places: The 1967 Monterrey Pop Festival; World Cup Italia '90; The mouth of the River Avon; Pebble Mill At One; The shop where that fella out of 'Curiosity Killed The Cat' got his beret. Planning permission for all of these was rejected however, by Cramlington's then-mayor, Johnny Hates-Jazz.
  27. - Cramlington's biggest graffiti is on the side of John Menzies, measures eight feet tall, and reads "Rats is a cress robber".
  28. - Cramlington's most famous sons are Yoko Ono, TV's Warren Mitchell, Captain Planet and the Planeteers, and the Tupolev Tu-144.
  29. - Cramlington's least famous son is Benjamin Disraeli.
  30. - The Republic of Ireland was designed and built by the Bishop of Galway at Cramlington Technical College between 1969-73. He was last seen ten years ago, throwing a handful of dry roasted peanuts at a fire escape in Hounslow.
  31. - The last steam-powered train to roll into Cramlington station arrived on July 9th, 1972. This was a considerably impressive feat, as there have been no rail tracks leading to or from Cramlington since the mid 1950s.
  32. - While renovating local pub The Morph And White One recently, local publican Jeff Impega-Budget made an amazing historic discovery. Hidden behind the new walls installed in 1952 were the preevious walls, on which hung a black and white photograph of Pele, Peter Egan and Topov The Monkey enjoying a pint in the saloon bar.
  33. - Despite not being on telly and not boasting any bankable comedians, Cramlington is still a marginally funnier place than Catterick.
  34. - Cramlington was chosen to host the 1984 Olympic Games after the original choice, Stockton-on-Tees, was hit by a devastating earthquake measuring 12.8 on the Richter scale. Unfortunately, the town was soon stripped of the honour by the International Olympic Committee when they discovered that the local 'library' was merely a Kwik Save carrier bag containing a couple of dusty Look-In annuals.
  35. - "Russ Abbot's Saturday Madhouse" was withdrawn from transmission in Cramlington after three weeks, following a massive viewer outcry over its 'blatant obscenity'
  36. - French progressive rock monsters Magma have always refused to play the annual Cramlington beer festival claiming it to be "trop stupide pour mots".
  37. - Pele once kicked a ball in a match against Cramlington Forest which shot into the stratosphere and is still orbiting the Earth. It is due to score a winning goal during the 2014 World Cup final.
  38. - A discarded Cabbage Patch Kid found on the outskirts of Cramlington was tried and convicted for being a French spy.
  39. - In Cramlington, due to atmospheric conditions, it is imposible to lead a horse to water, much less make it drink.
  40. - Axl Rose was inspired to write the song 'Paradise City' after going to Cramlington on the bus to visit his Nan in the late 1980s. He loves the town so much, he bought a flat there in 1999
  41. - During the 1970s, Cramlington was a popular location shoot for Public Information Films, owning to its endless supply of old wardrobes and discarded hake
  42. - Radio 1's Emma B will be DJing at Club Sockless at Cram Rok Diner ("Book Early To Avoid") on 3rd September.
  43. - In Cramlington, a powerful force known locally as gravity keeps its inhabitants firmly grounded at all times.
  44. - While its equal and opposite force, levity, zooms right over other people's heads.
  45. - Cramlington's first underground sewer, built in 1984, has three main channels which form a circuit that is the exact same size and shape as the Bermuda Triangle. Cramlington's MPs have always downplayed this fact; in a 1991 press release claimed that appearances of terrified Japanese WWII fighter pilots in the city streets were "just a coincidence".
  46. - In 1964, a group of anarcho-politico-activists attempted to stage the world's first Denial Of Service attack on Cramlington. This they did by repeatedly sending items of junk mail to the town's open airport and seaport. In the end so many letters in white envelopes were recieved that they formed a huge white rectangle over the whole of Cramlington, with the addresses combining in such a way that from an overhead view they formed the phrase "The page cannot be displayed".
  47. - The skydivers from the opening titles of "Good Morning Britain" completed their descent in Cramlington, where they were hailed as heroes and given the freedom of the city and a packet of Hovis biscuits each.
  48. - In 1723 a group of coat-wearing northern gayes attempted to steal Cramlington for their own kind. Their plan was to encircle the town along its western boundary and east to the coastal towns of Seaton Sluice and Blyth with high explosive, at points every 300cm. Then detonate the explosives, and hopefully Cramlington would be detached enough to be floated away to be moored 2 miles off the coast in the North Sea. Unfortunately in the 18th century the gayes used imperial measurements, and straights used metric, so mistakenly the gayes placed the explosives 300 inches apart. Obviously nowhere near close enough to crack the land free, and the plan failed. In their shame, all the gayes moved to Newcastle, where they still remain. Even to this day, if you follow on the south side of Brinkburn Avenue, just behind the cemetary, onto Clifton Road, you can still see the minature craters that were left behind.
  49. - When the BBC hot air balloon reached picturesque Cramlington, better was thought of the whole concept and it was immediately decommissioned. It was last seen floating aimlessly out to sea. No doubt it'll turn up in that Ukrainian village where all the kids' funfair balloons amazingly go. It's all good though, cos now we've got that bird dancing in the tight red skirt whose amazing arse you just cannot take your eyes off. You don't even see the other dancers. She's not from Cramlington, I bet.
  50. - "Rambo" was originally titled "Crambo" and set in Cramlington (where the Vietnamese had cunningly concealed their prisoner of war camps, reasoning that it was the last place that anyone would look), until a complaint was received during post-production from the Cramlington Community Association. Second Unit Director Jerome 'Junior' Tickertape had to personally go through the entire film removing all offending utterances of the letter 'C'.
  51. - The Cramlington police were recently astonished to discover a fully functioning hydro electric plant and dam hidden beneath the streets of the town centre. When they returned to investigate further they found that all of the machinery had been removed overnight, and a note had been left reading "don't look for the people that built this, because they live in... erm... Holland or something".
  52. - Popular Radio 1 disc-jockey, Colin Murray, was born in Cramlington on 17th August 1976 - coinciding with the mysterious passing of Halley's Comet over the town, ten years earlier than scheduled. At the time, various wine-swilling locals reported the sighting of a 12-metre tall flourescent lobster hovering above Cramlington bus station. However, a spokesman for the town's Labour MP, Rt. Hon. Sir Albert Shetland-Pony, blamed the sighting on a very strong smell of yeast blowing in from a North Sea oil rig.
  53. - Cramlington is the only place in Britain with over 10 billion facts to it's name. Apart from London, which has 16.8 billion.
  54. - The cartoon "Garfield" (both in strip and animated formats) is banned in Cramlington. The recent live action movie version sparked severe controversy as it was neither of the 2 formats banned in the town charter, although after many sessions in the local chambers it was decided that there was enough CGI to constitute an animated version, and it was banned also. This ruling was soon overturned due to:
  55. - Bill Murray is Cramlington's most revered comic actor. It has been decreed that all films featuring Bill Murray are to be screened on their release for a period of two months at Cramlington's one-screen cinema. Thereafter, all his films are played in a continuous loop on Cramlington's dedicated Bill Murray cable channel (see #894, section ii).
  56. - The double-album 'Shed Seven - Live at Cramlington Leisure Centre' has been top of the album charts in Nigeria since its release in October 1996. Each copy comes with a free Vauxhall Carlton, signed by Rick, Tom, Alan and Paul.
  57. - Music about/inspired by Cramlington includes Ramsey Lewis - 'Up Pops Ramsey Lewis....In Cramlington!' (LP); The Meters - 'Do The Cramlington' (album track, from 'The Meters Cast A Funky Eye On Britain'); Prince - 'Eye'm Going 2 Cramlington' (unreleased); A Tribe Of Toffs - 'John Kettley, What's The Weather Like (In Cramlington)?' (unsuccessful second single); Plastic Bertrand - 'Cramlington C'est Bon'; Living In A Box - 'Living In Cramlington In A Box'
  58. - The cramlington.co.uk domain name is being bought by a local cybersquatter who plans to blackmail the council into buying it for a ridiculous amount of money by filling the site with prawn
  59. - During the latest digital restoration of the original Star Wars trilogy, Gearoge Lucas is rumoured to have unearthed footage cut from the original release. In this footage, Dartth Vader gives a fifteen minute monologue detailing why Cramlington is the one place he truly fears.
  60. - in 1996, the long-lost master tape of the first edition of Radio 4 travel show "Breakaway" was found in a Cramlington branch of Help The Aged, but when a BBC man arrived to collect it, it had mysteriously vanished and been replaced with a note reading "you don't know nothing about it and noone gets hurt right? yeah"
  61. - Boris Johnson is due to arrive in Cramlington on Sunday, to make an official apology to the people of the city over an article in which he opined that they 'wallow in photoshop mongs and write weird abstract songs about wanting to spank Hannah Spearitt'.
  62. - Due to a combination of scripting errors and overindulgence in Wagon Wheels, Heat Magazine will shortly proclaim Cramlington to be "the new Cramlington".
  63. - a test edit of the "Dad's Army" title sequence exists, in which the Union Jack arrowhead rebounds when it reaches Cramlington.
  64. - Comedy terrorist Chris Morris moved to Cramlington shortly after the original series of his notorious show "Brass Eye" first aired on Channel 4. "I'm looking for new inspiration." He said. "Cramlington will be at the heart of all of my future work". Moyles shot to fame earlier in his career when he announced that he had killed Michael Heseltine live on air.
  65. - In Cramlington, "Louis Theroux's Weird Weekends" is billed as 'a chronicle of the boringly normal and conformist'.
  66. - Instead of the standard four, Cramlington has five seasons; Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter and The Terrible Season of the Hog.
  67. - Cramlington's award winning daily newspaper is the nationally famous "Cramlington Times" ("now syndicated nationwide!"), but lesser known are the town's two competing weekly publications. The "Cambrian Times" is a heavy and dense tome which sometimes has trouble holding its own against the longer-running, tougher, more abrasive but often more informative "Weekender". On occasion both journals will publish nothing except for scathing attacks against their rival. Readers have begun to suggest that a merger between the two may be in order to restore "information values".
  68. - Interestingly, Cramlington's unique "Information Initiative" (see #13571113171923), which also funds high-speed wireless broadband connections in every school-child's lunchbox, means that every Cramlingtonite receives a copy of each periodical for free funded by a portion of the council tax. A merger of "Cambrian Times" and "Weekender" would mean that the residents would be getting less value-for-money which is why nobody's pushing very hard, just saying it in passing really.
  69. - The top selling comic in Cramlington is 'The Deano', a regional weekly helping of fun and laffs. Popular strips include 'Disparate Dan', 'Biffo The Chair', 'The Jocks And The Caledonians' and 'Almost Yearly - He's Annual, Nearly'.
  70. - Local man Ken Lewis has written a history of Cramlington Hospital in a Silvine exercise book.
  71. - In December 2004 the residents of Cramlington started falling off the coast as the sheer number of dull made up facts based in the town centre eventually pushed them out. They swam to shore and are now sharing a caravan just outside Gothenburg.
  72. - In February 2005 when the residents of Cramlington grew bored of their caravan in Sweden and endless streams of blonde nymphettes, they caught a boat back to Newcastle. After hitching a ride with Barry in his Transit up the A19, they fought back with rubbers and tipp-ex against their town's boring invaders. It was a brave fight, and losses were high on both sides, but the citizens made it as far as page 5 - barely half-way - and a ceasefire was called for the London meet.
  73. - Cramlington has recently been twinned with the newly constructed Autobot City in the US state of Oregon. Town officials have voiced concern that the citys' current anti-Decepticon defenses do not meet the latest ISO9000 standards.
  74. - 'Dark' comedy was first invented in Cramlington in the late 12th century during a power cut.
  75. - Moby Dick, the actual giant white-whale which was the inspiration for Herman Melville's famous novel of the same name, was captured under extremely farcical circumstances just off the coast of Cramlington by a member of the town's competing Playstation dance-mat squad. The whale was later tried on shoplifting charges and found guilty in a case that is still being contested to this day.
  76. - Cramlington has fallen to a militant faction of Squirrels. They have banished PLC from its environs, hailed Rats as "a modern day Clement Atlee or one of those", and replaced the official town history with a single sheet of lined A4 paper that simply reads 'Ant Jones'. The Squirrels have decreed that all previous facts quoted on this page are henceforth null and void.
  77. 8245-8249 & 117 - Cramlington was the setting for a mediocre short film about a talking dog.
  78. - Cramlington currently is in possession of six IRBMs made entirely of egg-fried-rice.
  79. - President George W. Bush paid a visit to Cramlington in 2003, and made an exhibition of himself by mixing up the name of the town and the title of a porno film.

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