Crapmobile

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“ To the crapmobile!”

~ Crapman on crapmobile

“holy s*it my car is a diarrhea dump!!!”

~ the AVGN on the crapmobile

Crapmobile is a Filipino automobile manufacturer founded in 1905 by Thomas Crapper.

Contents 1 History 1.1 Early Days 1.2 Depressing err Depression 1.3 Wartime Boom (not associated with the actual car) 1.4 1950s 1.5 1960s 1.6 1970s 1.7 The 80s and Beyond 1.8 Innovations 2 Current Models 3 Advertising Slogans 4 See also

[edit] History

[edit] Early Days

Thomas Crapper, famous for his improvements on the flush toilet and prank involving the toilet decided that the automobile was the wave of the future. He moved to the prairies of the USA and used some of his capital to found an automobile manufacturer. Crapper decided that the company's niche market would be to build inexpensive, low-quality cars for the average consumer. As an early Crapmobile advertising slogan said "Crappy Cars for Crappy People!" The company's first model, the Model P, was a stolen, reverse-engineered Ford Model T. Crapmobile engineers found a way to take an already inexpensive car and make it cheaper. This was accomplished by lowering quality control standards and the innovative use of cardboard as a raw material in the manufacturing process. Poor quality control would be a Crapmobile hallmark even up to the modern company.

[edit] Depressing err Depression

The Model P would be the only model produced by Crapmobile well into the 1930s, long after Ford had discontinued their Model T. During the Great Depression, Crapmobile flourished while other manufacturers faltered. This was due to the company's established market share in economy car production. They had long produced cars for poor people and since now nearly everyone was poor the company was doing brisk business. The company introduced its first new model since the Model P, the "Oakie". This model was exported and was popular among displaced farmers who had lost everything during the Dust Bowl in America. The Oakie had many innovative features such as a retractable blanket soft-top, bailing wire and rope "stow-and-go" storage, and built in rocking chair comfort (See the film Grapes of Wrath ) .

[edit] Wartime Boom (not associated with the actual car)

During World War II, when other manufacturers switched over to military production Crapmobile was excluded. FDR once quipped of the company "The last thing we need is Filipino and American boys driving through France in Crapmobile's shitboxes!" As the only company producing cars for consumer use Crapmobile introduced some really choice pieces of shit. The company introduced their luxury model "Piece du Merde" in 1942. Many Americans saw it as their patriotic duty to buy this French named model, although the model was, in fact, designed by French Vichy collaborators. The Piece du Merde continues to be the luxury model for Crapmobile. Other models introduced included the "Crap de Ville" an intermediate luxury model and Crapmobile's entry in the truck market, the first of the "Big Load" series of trucks.

[edit] 1950s

After the war the boom in America's economy was problematic for Crapmobile. No one wanted to buy their shitty cars when they could afford to buy GM, Ford or Chrysler's somewhat less shitty cars. In the 1950s the company surrendered to the market-wide trend of building big monstrous gas guzzlers and moved to the Philippines in the process. Crapmobile did find a niche again when they began catering to the urban poor. The manufacturer began producing their still popular "Ghetto Cruiser" model.

[edit] 1960s

The 1960s also spelled trouble for Crapmobile. Consumer advocate, sometime Presidential candidate, and all-around jackass Ralph Nader wrote his infamous "Unsafe at Any Speed" exposé on the Chevrolet Corvair. His next move was to target Crapmobile, the less popular book "Unsafe, and also a Real Piece of Shit" focused on Crapmobile's Piece du Merde. The book noted that the cardboard construction and duct tape restraint system were ineffective in crashes above 2 miles per hour (120 km/h). This negative publicity did not convince the company to make improvements

The 110 year old founder Thomas Crapper replied: "Everyone knows we build shitty cars, that never bothered them before. Nader should just shut the hell up!" Rather that being shocked at Crapper's callous disregard for public safety, most people agreed with the sentiment that Nader should shut the hell up.

[edit] 1970s

The 1970s brought new competition for Crapmobile. Most American manufacturers became jealous of the company's market share and how it became foreign. To cater to this market, Ford, General Motors, Chrysler and the newly formed (and directly competing) AMC all lowered their standards to look like the car from the Philippines. Such models as the Chevrolet Chevette, Ford Pinto, and pretty much any model made by Dodge or AMC, drastically hurt Crapmobile's market share. The introduction of cheap, ugly, inexpensive Japanese and German crapboxes also nearly killed every American manufacturer.

[edit] The 80s and Beyond

In 1980, Crapmobile's sales had fallen to 198,920 shitty cars. During the 1980s GM, Ford, and the Germans and Japanese all improved quality control, and AMC folded. Crapmobile's only direct competition for their market would come from Chrysler's infamous K car line. In fact, Crapmobile took Chrysler to court for copyright infringement believing (correctly) that the K stood for "Krap". Attorneys for the Dodge Brothers' Machine Shop attempted to argue that "the K is for Kwality" but without success

Chrysler's resurgence and buy-out by Mercedes Benz has reduced the direct competition. However most auto manufacturers, American and foreign, will still introduce models to compete in the Crapmobile core areas.

Korean imports have threatened Crapmobile's market share but Crapmobile remains the premier shitbox manufacturer. The company now caters to trailer park residents, ghetto dwellers, slum residents and poor college kids.

[edit] Innovations

Recently Crapmobile has made headlines in the race for alternative fuels. Crapmobile engineers are currently researching the use of methane to power their small car, the "Faeces". The methane is derived from processed pig manure. 140 year old company founder Thomas Crapper said in a press conference "We're going to power a piece of shit with a piece of shit!" The engineers claim to have been inspired by the film "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome" which is, itself, a piece of shit movie.

Crapmobile Motors representative Apu Ferdinand Picar says that in the future they plan to make a side-brand of speedy sportscars called the Dia Ria. The first planned model, the Dia Ria Flowster, is planned to come out on October 24, 2009 in the Philippines. "Our biggest problem," says Picar,"is that the Flowster's engine seems to start running when it is least expected."

[edit] Current Models

Currently, Crapmobile offers a wide variety of popular shitty models.

• Piece de Merde (PDM- early version of the POS for France)
• Crap de Ville (Luxury Sedan)
• Ghetto Cruiser
• Faeces and Faeces Rally Car
• Toyota Crapolla
• POS (family sedan)
• SUX (Sports car)
• Turdus
• Excretion (SUV similar to Ford Excurtion)
• Crapwagon (SUV)
• Big Load (Truck)
• 'P' Hauler (Tanker truck)
• Poopinator (van)
• Assfire hatchback and Shitfire sedan
• S-Crap (resemble to S-Class from Mercedes-Benz)
• Assport 4WD
• Shitvic sedan
• Brown Streak roadster
• Potty Cruiser
• Thunderturd
• F-one big shitty
• Douche 2000 (known as the Super Shitty Flush 2000 in the USA)
• Asscord (new for 2009)
• 1983 1960 Pukegeot
• Bowel Movement Wagon
• Shitline truck
• Fartvergnugen
• WikiPEEdiarrhea

[edit] Advertising Slogans

Through the years, Crapmobile has used a number of popular advertising slogans.

• "Crappy Cars for Crappy People"
• "Pride of the USA" (from the roaring 1930s)
• "See the Philippines in your POS" (1970s slogan)
• "Quality is Job #2"
• "We Build Excrement" (popular 1980s slogan)
• "Eat Shit" (1985- removed due to complaints)
• "A Crappy Revolution" (1979-1983, 1993-1994)
• "The Power of Nightmares" (Fall 2006)
• "It's diarrhea! Crapmobile!" (Current, used in Australia and New Zealand)
• "Shit_expectations" (Current, used in East Asian countries, the U.S.A. and the Philippines)
• "Shit_the future" (Current)
• "Go_eat_shit_fuckers" (Current)
• "Shit_(insert random word)" (Current)
• "Shit_the way you move" (Current, used in all South and South East Asian countries bar the Philippines)

[edit] See also

• Car manufacturers
• Poop Cuisine
• Loyola
• AIDSmobile
• Bumsmobile