Crazy Old Man
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“The guy is nuts- he forces me to risk my life to bring him crystals, or I can't complete my missions for gods sake!”
- ~ Ratchet
“That's because you can't, auwmmm...”
- ~ Crazy Old Man on above quote
“I do believe that there is marijuana in those crystals.”
- ~ Clank on the Crazy Old Mans crystals
“Marijuana is just an illusion, as is all things, all things belong to the cosmos child, auwmmm.”
- ~ Crazy Old Man on above quote
“Wow, crack in crystals? I should have thought of that.”
- ~ Oscar Wilde on Crazy Old Mans crystals
| ||
| Term of office: | ???? B.C – >_>… | |
| Preceded by: | It's an anarchy! ANARCHY! | |
| Succeeded by: | ANNNAAARRRCHHHY! | |
| Date of birth: | August 1, ???? B.C | |
| Place of birth: | Ur-anus | |
| First Lady: | How the frick would I know that? | |
| Political party: | Galactic Old Peoples Dynasty | |
Contents |
[edit] Basic facts regarding Earl
[edit] Names and Nicknames
The Crazy Old Man, (sometimes called the Crazy Hippie Guy or Crazy Old Earl,) is yours and Jasper Beardley's friend. Mayor Quimby of Springfield once referred to him as "Old Jewish Man"; also, a list of heart recipients in "Chairman Drek League" listed him as "Old Jewish Man". How the heck do aliens know who Jews are? That’s YOUR fault. Good job *****.
[edit] Speech and lifestyle
He speaks with a mystical and meditational tone and accent, and curses in Yiddish and gibberish when someone steals his Crystals. He is apparently friendly with everyone that is willing to get him Crystals; otherwise, he will do six things;
1: Shoot you,
2: Stare at you until you crap your heart out,
3: Yell and hiss at you until you run for your mommy,
4: Squish you with his mind powers,
5: Cause you to be stuck in an either subzero or blazing hot temperature planet,
6: Or, although 100,000,000,000 to 1 percent chance of it happening, he will ignore you.
So, the smartest and safest thing to do is to get him his dirty crystals. He is friendly with Ratchet and Clank, simply because he actually can force them to get him crystals without touching them or manipulating their minds. Ha. Suckers…. He comes out into public only once a year, the three of them have been seen walking along a street singing the ditty "Even though we're not gentile we’ll get together for a while" at Christmas.
He often yells at people and was sometimes seen owning a store with drugs, guns, and other illegal things that he made legal. How did he make it legal, you ask? The guy is the leader of The Galactic Old Peoples Dynasty. Don’t try and shoot him, it won’t hit him. Why do you think he survives being out in the open all the time? Not even the Master Chief can shoot him!
[edit] Background
Note; *The background of Earl is an odd one, read with caution or you will get nightmares!*
When his parents gave birth to him, they received a shock: They had expected a normal, everyday little girl. But instead, they got a son, with most peculiar eyes. Those eyes, once they got home, never stopped staring at his mom, dad, or the ceiling.
Those strange eyes got him friendship and hate. He didn't know whether to think it was a blessing, or a curse. Early on, he became interested in meditation and politics. This began in kindergarten(Aliens had Kindergarten a long time before we did, why do you think the kick our butts all the time?), one day while listening to the teacher speak about the great war they had with a neighboring country, and the great battles between them. He raised his hand, and asked "How did we fight the other country in such titanic battles if they were defenseless?"
Dumbstruck, the teacher blushed in fury. She managed to calm herself to say "How would you know that? They teach you that everywhere! Everyone knows they were better armed and barbaric." Earl looked confused, and spoke up, in a more serious tone "But my book says that we had a horrible king how raided our neighbor, who was defenseless."
She turned red again, swallowed hard, and said "What book? You just can't find a book to re-write history with, you know." He looked at her sternly. He then spoke after a few moments "No, seriously, don't you think that they could have covered that up, or anything else in history? Only our weapons were found there on record, and the records don't lie. What is this, communism? Were I am forced to know things the kings want me to?"
She slammed her desk, and he was dismissed out of class. Confused, he studied, and began politics.
At age ten, his powers were revealed. After a long, angry, stressful day of meditating on politics, he opened his eyes, and suddenly felt his eyes burn as though his eyes were forced open with a bowl of onions under them, while two feet away from a fire. He was knocked back, hit a tree, and went unconscious.
When he awoke, he was surprised to find a hole in the rock he had been facing. Earl had eye beams.
