Cream tea wars
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[edit] Background to Conflict
In the latter part of the 16th Century, a Devonshire farmer named Jeroboam Rockabye had gained a reputation for being the best party host in the county. The reasons for this were threefold:
Word spread of this, and soon he was fighting off rustic locals with a shitty stick. For months the crowds increased and surrounded the farm demanding more of his thick cream.
By 1589 he had become the most creamy man in Devon.
However, one early wintry morning Jeroboam was greeted by a messenger, bringing word of a rival cream tea, cow and wife salesman from Cornwall.
As Rockabye wrote in his journal of that same year:
"I cannot believe, after years of serving my community, that this young upstart plans to steal my thunder from across the county border. Who does this little fuckface think he is anyway? I was serving creamy goodness before his dirty stinking balls even dropped. Cunt."
It turned out that the man in question was Cornish dungheap salesman Bobo Pendulum, better known to his friends as Creamy Joe.
In 1590, Creamy Joe sold his wife and food over the Devon county border for the first time. Jeroboam Rockabye immediately declared war.
[edit] The Battle of Spunk Hill
Rockabye marched his willing troops to Spunk Hill, just inside the Devon border, where Creamy Joe had been selling his wares.
Believing Joe to be inexperienced, Rockabye's troops - known by this point as the 1st Devonshire County Creamers - placed several blobs of jam around the hill.
When Joe came down to refill his supplies and have his poor wife stitched, he slipped and fell. And died.
He was succeeded by Vladimir St Ives IX.
