Crewe Alexandra

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History[edit]

Cralexandra was formed in 1756 by noted local dignitary and philanthropist Mad Leroy. This makes it the oldest Fussball club in the world, and as such did not play until a travelling gang of Native American bravehearts challenged them to a match in 1825. In a violent and epic encounter, the final score was 12-1 to Cralex, with 10 goals from their legendary striker Percy Shelley. However, the match was overshadowed by the horrific scenes in the dressing rooms after the match. General consensus suggests a triumphant William Wordsworth threw a pizza at the opposition goalkeeper, and recieved a tomahawk to the head in return. The brawl that ensued resulted in a number of amputations, anal-fissure stitching and hysterectomies at the nearby Sir Chazza Darwin medical centre. Wordsworth was pronounced dead at the scene, and died later in hosital. His murderer, Floats Lonely As Cloud, was sentenced to 30 days aboard a canal barge, but released on demand after pleasuring and physically stimulating the Cap'n.

Upon the foundation of the Premiership in 1902, Cralex became a leading club. They went on a record 3 match unbeaten run, with notable wins over a Skegness Allstar XI, Jizpot City and a touring Mussolini United. They finally succumbed to Nantwich Town in a tense local derby, watched on by 130,000,000,000,000,000 spectators crammed inside their homeground Breasty Road. The next day Mario Prada joined the club and over the next 105 years single-handedly led them to glory in the Crewe Cup a total of twice.

Famous Players[edit]

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Trivia[edit]

- Winston Churchill is believed to have supported Cralex. On a tour of Breasty Road in 1916 he supposedly remarked: "Wangtastic"

- Cralex remains the only club in the country to employ Alan Hanson's grandma as goalkeeper. It turned out she actually cannot play football better than paid professionals of the lower leagues, although most the lads enjoyed the eye candy during her two month trial.

- Their nickname, the Railywaymen, derives not from the local train station (Crewe Train Station), but the former karaoke star and left winger Reilly Way, who purchased his teammates' souls in a marathon poker game. Landing a straight flush (7 8 9 10 J Hearts) on the table, he proclaimed aloud: "Spank me with your tarts, oh Queen of Hearts". He was later executed after repeating this whilst in the royal court of Wonderland.

- A so far unsuccessful genetic breeding experiment has been ongoing in Crewe since 1943. The production of players such as Rob Zombie and Stalin has been outweighed by the loss of the genetic fodder. (RIP local chavscum Deano, Kezza and Macca).