Cricket
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“Nobody understands cricket. Unless they know what a crumpet is. Or snooker.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cricket
“Cricket is sooooo boring, you can play for 5 days and still not know who won, its like having sex for 5 days and nobody cums”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cricket
“Wow, and I thought nothing was slower than baseball.”
~ Every American upon being exposed to Cricket
“Not only are you allowed to play with balls, you can also have a good bat”
~ Richie Benaud on Cricket
“Every cricketer knows that 69 for 2 is a great place to be”
~ Shane Warne on the texting scandal
The noble, and totally pointless, game of cricket or criquet is thought to have been created in France, the name deriving from the French word croquet, which also involves hitting balls at wickets using a stick-like instrument. An early attempt to introduce "French Cricket" to England occurred at the Battle of Crecy or Cressy in 1346 but failed when French batting side was defeated by the English long bowmen. Following adoption of the game by the Dutch who renamed it "krookeet", the game was successfully introduced to Britain during the Battle of Medway in 1667 when the Dutch fleet bombarded Chatham with krookeet-balls containing instructions for the game.
The English then gradually evolved the sport into a form known as "County Cricket", usually played by English Counts (as distinct from "Country Cricket" which is played by... Constables). This required five days of good weather of hitting and throwing a ball to win. At this point the game became unplayable in England, which rarely has five days without rain. Following the first game of International Test Cricket - England versus The Colonies (1770) - the game was moved permanently to Australia. The Australians, aka Kerry Packer, then developed "One Day Cricket" because no-one could be bothered playing for 5 days, and this was exported back to England... which retaliated with "Twenty20 Cricket". The game of cricket is gradually evolving into a shorter game, and it is predicted that by the year 2020 a typical match of International Test "Quick Cricket" or "Tip and Run" will take about 5 minutes, leaving more time for drinking in the bar.
Since those early days, cricket and its variant forms (Xtreme Croquet, Crocheting, Baseball and Hockey) has gained greatly in popularity around the world, and is now regularly followed by enthusiasts in The Netherlands, Japan, France, Jamaica, the USA, New Zealand, South Africa, India, Pakistan, did we mention France?, the West Indies, Antarctica, and ummm... oh yes, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka and Italy. Australia was a leading manufacturer of cricket teams until 2009, when 'Cricket Australia' regretfully decided to move production off-shore to China, which is now seen as an "emerging" world cricket team.
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[edit] The Evolution of Cricket
Archaeologists agree that certain quirks unique to cricket indicate that the sport was played in the Middle Ages and possibly as early as the late-Triassic period. There is speculation as to how a bipedal dinosaur may have held a cricket bat, specifically:
- The side-on stance of batsmen suggests that cricket pre-dates the evolutionary processes that caused the eyes to move from the sides of the head to the front of the face;
- The straight-arm action of (most) bowlers suggests that cricket may date to a time before the development of the elbow in modern apes;
- There is no archaeological evidence for any other sport involving meals being consumed by the players during the match (with the obvious exception indoor sports such as darts and poker), and this practice may have arisen from ritualistic cannabalism where the batsman is killed and eaten after being given 'out' by the umpire.
- No evidence has ever been found that cricket is just rounders for over-grown public schoolboys, fawning colonials and fat Northerners, but purges by the Marleybone Croquet Club (MCC) of revisionist primary school gym teachers have been rumoured.
[edit] Rules of Cricket
The "Laws" or "Les Rules de Criquet" are simple, and are summarised by the International Crocheting Club (ICC) as follows:
- Each game requires 2 teams, who get to hit their sacks (when they are called the 'batsmen' and not 'batters' as in Baseball, or 'batty' as in Northern Englishmen) or to bowl (not pitch or throw or chuck) their balls then chase after them ('fielding').
- One round of hitting the balls is called an innings (from the Latin "an outing, or picnic", plural innit, as in: "This game is a bit of a picnic, innit?").
- A game comprises 2 innings (innit) or sometimes 4, but more often now there is less and the game can last between 3 hours (called 20-20) or one day (25-25 or 50-50) or 5 days (Torture or Test cricket), depending on how long the teams can be bothered playing or until the spectators go home.
- Each team has 12 players each although only 11 play and the 12th man is called the "12th man" and he gets the drinks. One team fields and bowls, aiming for the batsman's bails, while the batsmen try to hit their balls as far as possible without the other team grabbing their balls and hitting the wicket (then declared a "sticky wicket").
- When the batsman who's in is out, then he goes off and the next man comes on until he's out. The object of the game for the batsman therefore is to make sure he doesn't go out. The end of an innings is declared when 10 batsmen are out, even though there are 11 playing not counting the 12th man. So there is a batsman still in although his team is out, but he has to go off. When the batsmen are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
- There are two additional fat men called umpires who stay all out all day and give the batsmen who are in out. But a batsman is not out unless the fielders appeal first to the umpires by giving them ritualistic gifts or sly winks and nudges. If the fielders are sleeping or have wandered off somewhere then the batsman is not given out and stays in. But if the umpires don't like something, such as player interfering with another player behind the sight screen, then the umpires can declare that it's simply not cricket which means it's cricket but shouldn't be.
- An over is when the bowler has 6 or sometimes 8 balls. If he has had no balls then he may have more than the normal number of balls. An innings may be over after 40 overs, or 25, or 20, or sometimes a lot less if there's been a "follow-on", if you follow.
- When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, including those who are not out, and both sides have been out twice or maybe once or less if someone declared or it rained, then that is the end of the game!
- An additional tactic involves the majority of players trying not to bat by standing around fielding. The batsmen may also refuse to hit their balls, preferring to "block" continually. This tactic was made famous by "Blocker Lawry", who was sadly disembowelled by an angry and bored crowd. If the game is delayed long enough, such as more than 5 days, a "draw" is declared. If one team has more wins than draws they win, although this method risks rioting by the spectators.
- If the bowler hits an off-stump leg-bye then a sticky wicket is called and the game breaks for tea; however, should an elbow on-side be called, unless it's caused by a spin-twist shot or a slippy duck, then the innings may be declared over or the over innings. In the case of the deep-wide short-fine leg being run out by the slip's backward point boundary man, the batting team are forced to substitute their 12th man for a golden duck and a cup of Dilmah Tea.
- The game may end very suddenly if all of the batsmen have a duck or the bowlers bowl 10 maidens over.
- The alternative way to win is to play until there is any change in weather, or it gets too dark, or hot, or cold, or it's lunch or dinner, or the umpires get bored and take their balls home, or anything happens that simply isn't cricket.
However, despite the apparent simplicity of these rules, there remain a number of uncivilised nations in Northern Europe and North America and North Africa who are yet to embrace the civilising effects of the game of cricket.
Anyone wishing to learn to speak "Criquet" should consult the section on Cricket terminology or enrol at their local branch of Alliance francaise or consider taking up Crochet instead.
[edit] Cricket Put Simply:
You have two sides, one out in the field and the other one in. each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out. When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the sides that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When both sides have been in and out including the not outs, that’s the end of the game.
[edit] The Toss
Before the game commences, the umpire judges the two captains having a toss off. Whichever captain is deemed to be the biggest tosser gets to choose whether to bat, field, or go to the pub. The equivalent in the women's game is mysteriously known as strumming the banjo. One seldom used variant is a pre-match dwarf tossing competition - if the dwarf falls on his head he gets concussion, if he falls flat on his arse he gets cross, all of which is even more pointless than the game of cricket itself.
[edit] The Follow-on
Basically, if often one team's batsmen are all out so the innings is ended but they haven't scored enough runs or maidens to avoid being "Toffed", then a Follow-on is declared. The batting team then forfeits their tea and scones and has to bat again without getting to bowl a maiden over. It's all frightfully upsetting, and no-one really understands this inscrutable rule, but everyone who follows Cricket pretends that they do follow it... hence the name.
[edit] Fitness and Fashion
Cricket is a deceivingly demanding sport; players spend a long day on their feet at the bar, waiting to be served or to bat. However cricketers must be relatively "fit" as they may need to perform periodic fast sprints to the toilet, rubbing of balls to ensure they are kept shiny, various dynamic movements such as throwing-up, as well as leaping in the air from a prone position and turning quickly then running away from cuckolded husbands. Dodging cans of beer while fielding near the crowd also maintains awarenness and selects for a hard skull. Being overweight can be useful when receiving a fast ball in the stomach (Gut Before Wicket) although finding and disgorging the ball from the layers of flab can be tiring.
When cricket was first invented, it was fashionable for (French) players to ponce around in gay-coloured tights and wigs. Gradually, as the game took hold in Britain, players took to wearing sensible white clothes left over from Morris Dancing (the bells and handkerchiefs were dispensed with). In recent years, fashions trends have reversed and teams now ponce around again in brightly-coloured outfits with logos and national symbols. Australians wear green and gold, the colour of the national symbol, the Acacia or wattle tree - which (conveniently) also grows in China. The New Zealand team wears black which makes night cricket difficult but has proved helpful for stalking. One national team adopted camouflage colours but became lost on the the field (see Stumped) and batters were timed out although they were standing at the pitch.
[edit] Modes of Dismissal
There are five ways, exactly, to get out in the game of Cricket.
Run out A batsman may be in for such an abominably tedious length of time that he runs out of breath and therefore collapses. He is then required to walk after being resuscitated, or the batsman becomes so bored of batting he just runs out of the stadium.
Bowled
This occurs when a sadistic delivery from an ultra-fast bowler takes the hair off the batsman. The batsman needs to duck in this situation to avoid being out, so that he becomes out anyway.
LBW Although no cricket analyst has ever worked out what this stands for, the most frequent guess was that it "sounds like a band of some sort." Consequently LBW is the official term given for dismissing a batsmen who uses one of his three legs (two long and one short leg): the left, the right or the middle or all three of them as one to stop the ball instead of using his bat. In this kind of a dismissal he has a 66.7% chance of being castrated by the incoming ball.
Stumped This rule was first used in 1993 when Shane Warne bowled a Mars Bar to Mike Gatting, short of a length. As Gatting stepped out of his crease to pick up the Mars Bar he was stumped by the Wicket Keeper. Being "stumped" also occurs when no-one can remember what the score is, or indeed why they are standing around in the middle of a field.
Caught The batsman is caught performing some socially unacceptable act, which is declared "not cricket". He must then leave the field in embarrassment. In view of this rule, New Zealand has passed a law making the use of the word "blimey" a strict social taboo, punishable by burning in some provinces. The rules in cricket are so strict that Ian Botham, legendary all-rounder, was caught on camera picking a bogey and swallowing it whole. He had to walk.
Timed out Unreliable wireless Internet access in the centre of the field causes a timeout. The batsman must stomp off to the pavilion to find out who has placed his hat on the antenna.
Handled the ball The bowler can attempt to influence play by means of strategic rubbing of the surface of one side of the ball against his/her genitals and/or licking or scratching his ball(s). This necessitates a re-structuring of the fielders' positions, as no-one wants to catch the ball. This rule is applicable only in very rare cases in a game of women's cricket and the umpire may ask to inspect the ball (this is called "ball sniffing"). 'Handling the ball' is also not allowed by other members of the team, as it is the job a cricketer's wife.
Obstruction This occurs when a batsman attempts to interfere with a fielder. This usually involves placing an object such as a tank-trap, barbed-wire fence, brick wall or other obstruction in the way of the fielder. The batter may also attempt to trip a fielder, or hit him with the bat or other implement, or he may attempt to conceal the ball. Sir Francis Drake famously concealed the ball by sitting on it, in a 'friendly' match with the Spanish in 1588, allowing his fellow batsman to run 953 before being Run out with a stump through the heart.
Hit wicket When a batsman is unceremoniously hit in his middle stump while trying to play a stroke causing him to fall to the ground in extreme pain, he is thus forced to walk (or waddle or crawl). A hit wicket is also declared if part of a batsman, such as his head, or part of his clothing, such as his jockstrap, should fall on the wicket and dislodge a bail or the wicket-keeper.
Hit the ball twice The bowler successfully catapults the ball at relativistic speeds towards the batsman, causing a temporal anomaly in the vicinity of the batsman in which he appears to hit it twice. Though in these circumstances 'hit' is a generous term.
[edit] Debatable modes of dismissal
Occasionally, additional modes of dismissal are allowed.
Not Cricket There is no "red card" system in cricket for dismissing players from the field for unacceptable behaviour. Instead, the not cricket decision is used. This is the most perplexing form of dismissal for "foreigners" (non-cricketing nations) to understand. If something "isn't cricket", then it is "just not on, old boy", in which case you are dismissed "and it serves you bloody-well right." A Not cricket decision is signalled by sounds of "Tut-tut" and "Harrumph" from the Members' Stand. This therefore is related to but varies from Toffing (see below). The umpire will then dismiss the player by waving his handkerchief in the direction of the player and blowing his nose loudly in it. Dismissal for not cricket can occur if a player does not hold his little finger ("pinkie") out at the correct angle while holding a tea cup during the formal ceremony of Tea, or if he "brings disrepute" to the game by, for example, farting at the umpire or not bowing to the MCC members when entering and leaving the field.
Six and Out This happens when the ball is hit over the fence and into the back garden of the neighbour, who then refuses to give the ball back. The batsman is given six and out, although six of what varies regionally.
Death The local crowd becomes angry at the superior performance of the visiting team. This method is popular in India where the crowd may throws anything to hand, ranging from knives to lepers and elephants. In Australia, dismissal by death usually comes in the form of a full beer can launched by "the mob on the hill", although more recently tasers and guns confiscated from policemen have become popular. In New Zealand, Maori members of the crowd are permitted to invade the field during Waitangi Day and to carry off one of the opposing batsmen for a "hangi".
Toffed A batsman of lower class may be given out 'toffed' if there is sufficient condescending frostiness from MCC spectators. This frostiness may be expressed through symbolic gestures, such as sleeping, reaching one's 80th birthday, or gazing indifferently into the rim of a straw trilby. This traditional but controversial rule has only been exercised once, in a match between Eton Old Boys' XI and Slough Urchins XI at The Oval in 1922, when the entire Slough team was given out 'toffed', basically forfeiting their entire innings. Eton went on to win by 4 runs.
Sledging This method of dismissing the batsman was first perfected by the Australian Test XI in 1952. "Sledging" a batsman involves calling nasty names or saying horrible (and untrue!) things about his mother. The batsman is judged to be 'sledged' when he breaks down in tears and is unable to carry on, at which stage the square leg umpire will bring the symbolic handkerchief (see Morris Dancing) for him to blow his nose and to go back to the pavilion for some quiet time alone.
Kamikaze or Pirate Captain An extreme form of dismissal, practiced mainly in the West Indies, where success in cricket is seen as a life-or-death matter. A plank is situated in the spectator stand and the skipper (or captain in layman's terms) chooses a member of his own team to walk the plank, then feeds his player to the crowd while shouting "Shiver me timbers" at an acceptable tone of voice.
[edit] Fielding Positions
While playing Cricket, 97% of the time is spent not actually playing Cricket. Thus, officials have developed a series of "fielding positions" in order to trick players into spending their weekend standing in the middle of a large grassy area; these positions are set out in the Wisden Almanac. Most fielders tend to run forward several feet every time the ball is bowled, and clapping is also common. Although seemingly pointless, these actions are believed to prevent deep vein thrombosis, which is a common complaint among cricketers.
The batsman
The person with bat who is standing facing the umpire is usually known as the batsman. Even women who bat are called batsmen rather than batswomen. The batsman uses the bat for digging the pitch, pasting chewing gums, scattering jellybeans, fixing the stumps, hitting people, as a measuring ruler, for scratching his back, as a support for standing, and occasionally to hit the ball. The batsman is frequently disliked, yet his arrival and departure from the field is always celebrated.
The runner This is the batsman to whom the bowler doesn't bowl. He should be close to the umpire, usually a first cousin or nephew.
Wicket Keeper This is a very important position, especially during Test Matches which may last 5 days, occasionally with a result. At the end of each day, "Stumps" is declared by the umpires. The wicket is then given to the wicket keeper to guard. At dawn the next day the wicket keeper must approach the pavilion from where the umpires will shout, "Halt, Who goes There?" to which the wicket keeper replies, "The Keeper of the Wicket!" The response by the umpires is then, "Whose Wicket?" The keeper replies, "The Queen's Wicket, Gentlemen!" At this point the umpires allow the wicket keeper to place three stumps topped by two "bails" on to each end of the pitch, and play retires for lunch.
Umpire There are numerous umpires. The two on-field umpires are officially hired fat old men, one of whom stands behind the bowler's wicket (the wicked umpire) and one who hides in the field: this is the umpire of the square-leg which may be wooden, the umpire usually being a pirate. A new "third umpire" or "television camera" has recently been introduced to the game: this provides an opportunity for the other 2 billion "at-home" umpires to adjudicate. The on-field umpires must carry Murray Mints, handkerchiefs, caps, pull-overs, etc for the bowler and sometimes for the batsman. In cases where the bowlers are too demanding or if the batsman doesn't trust an umpire's honesty, the pirate umpire is called in to settle the dispute with his cutlass. The T.V. umpire may also asked to stop showing 'Coronation Street' and give a decision.
Slips Fielding players may be dressed in negligees and asked to stand close behind the batsman, their objective being to distract the batsman so that he gets out.
Fine leg This is any fielding position where the fielder wears shorts instead of pajamas to show off his freshly-waxed legs.
Gully Streets in Indian slums are called "gullies", and many children learn to play cricket there. The "gully" thus reminds the fielder of his boyhood and how much richer and corrupt he has become since then. In Australia, a gully is a ravine leading to a "creek" and is usually the place where children retire to learn to smoke cigarettes and play with their balls. Thus the "gully" in this case is "up the creek" (invariably without a paddle). No-one likes being in the gully.
Leg slip A fielding position name reserved for the area of the outfield with the most amount of dew, giving rise to the old adage, "There's many a slip twixt leg and ball." Recent research shows Leg slips may be a direct consequence of a Fine Leg in the crowd.
Short leg This is not the disadvantage one would think. David Boon from Tasmania and Sachin Tendulkar from India had two of them and still performed remarkably well. Pirates also qualify for short-leg positions on field.
Silly point
Square leg "Square legs" are often also required to wear an eye patch and declare "Shiver me timbers!" whenever a ball goes for four. The burial of gold and other precious treasures is against the rules and can result in a mutiny.
Cover A Cover position is one that literally has to cover half of the field. While all his fellow fielders are standing around scratching their backsides, the Cover will run, jump and generally act like a giant bedsheet strung over a clothesline.
Extra Cover A higher ranking of fielding position, only given to those players who display remarkable vitality and panache at Cover. Fast stream applicants have been known to be promoted to Extra Cover from 12th Man, on the basis of excellent potential shown in this role.
Point The Point's job is to stand and point at the ball so that other players and cameramen know where to look. During the drinks breaks it is also his job to point out the slappers in the crowd.
Doggie Nothing to do with cricket, but a fine position none the less.
Third man Usually a large, dim-witted player who isn't good enough to field with rest of the team, and whose main job is to shift his bulk left and right in an attempt to eat the ball. Great third men include Ethiopian Stuart McGill, Australian Peter Costello and French Andre the Giant.
Twelfth Man The person who is most respected by Australians, for bringing out the drinks. The only man that cannot play cricket and is only there because he paid off the selectors with sexual favours.
Mid On, Deep Mid On, Long On
Various degrees of Hard On. The fielder must bend slightly at the waist and look suitably embarrassed. It is a common misconception that the less able fielders in the side are placed in these positions. In fact, they are unable to field skillfully due to a raging erection. In women's cricket this position is generally redundant unless the fielder in question has particularly erectile nipples.
Silly Mid-On A Mid On who is so short that everyone points and laughs; generally the result is that the fielder feels silly. Typical silly mid on fielders of the modern game include Andrew Strauss, and the great Phil Tufnell. (Originally called stupid mid-off, but cricketers aren't that stupid. Or are they?)
Mid Wicket The fielder at mid wicket often does not know where the hell he is supposed to be, in the end he wanders out to a position where no one else is willing to go. A variation of this position is Cows Corner, referring to the position where the sacred cows stand in Indian Venues.
Sixty Nine In this position, the fielder will see two balls and a bat or nothing except a cherry (i.e. Women's Cricket).
[edit] Batting Shots
Forward Defensive An ironically named shot, as it implies that the team's position moves forward. In fact, the batsman moves forward to block the ball into the ground, but often hits the ball straight to Silly Point. Cricket pundits Boycott and Lawry were infamous for both use of this shot and being too stubborn to score runs, with gratititude from other clubs.
Backward Defensive ˙ʇǝʞɔıɹɔ ɥsıןƃuǝ oʇ uoıʇnqıɹʇuoɔ sıɥ ɹoɟ sqnןɔ ɹǝɥʇo ɯoɹɟ ʎǝuoɯ ɟo ʇunoɯɐ ǝƃɹɐן pıɐd uǝʇɟo sɐʍ ǝɥ ˙sunɹ ǝɹoɔs oʇ uɹoqqnʇs ooʇ ƃuıǝq puɐ ʇoɥs sıɥʇ ɟo ǝsn sıɥ ɥʇoq ɹoɟ snoɯɐɟuı sı ʇʇoɔʎoq ʇıpund ʇǝʞɔıɹɔ ˙ʇuıod ʎןןıs oʇ ʇɥƃıɐɹʇs ןןɐq ǝɥʇ sʇıɥ uǝʇɟo ʇnq 'punoɹƃ ǝɥʇ oʇuı ןןɐq ǝɥʇ ʞɔoןq oʇ pɹɐʍɹoɟ sǝʌoɯ uɐɯsʇɐq ǝɥʇ ˙pɹɐʍɹoɟ sǝʌoɯ uoıʇısod sɯɐǝʇ ǝɥʇ ʇɐɥʇ sǝıןdɯı ʇı sɐ 'ʇoɥs pǝɯɐu ɔıuoɹı uɐ
Straight Drive This involves the batsman hitting the ball directly down the wicket in an attempt to either win the match by killing the bowler or drawing the match by killing the umpire.
Hook A pirate batsman with a sqaure leg may choose to use a steel hook on one hand to hit the ball. The "hook shot" is also useful in an attempt to kill the wicket keeper, either with the bat, the ball or the hook.
Sweep The batsman goes down on one knee to look into a mini-fridge. He then sweeps the contents of the fridge into his cricket box and shakes up a cocktail inside the box. The fielding side have to sip the contents of the cocktail, and whoever enjoys it the most gets a fridge thrown at them.
Reverse Sweep them at thrown fridge a gets most the it enjoys whoever and, cocktail the of contents the sip to have side fielding The. box the inside cocktail a up shakes and box cricket his into fridge the of contents the sweeps then He. fridge-mini a into look to knee one on down goes batsman The
[edit] Types of Bowling
Bowlers can bowl a variety of different balls which include soccer balls, peanuts and small rodents, particularly hamsters. Different ways of spinning the ball can be applied, and politicians are experts of this craft. Anyone who can't spin the ball or bowl fast or accurately is normally referred to as a batsman, or a "Pom Bowler".
Fast Bowling Any ball that causes rifts in the space/time continuum and defy the laws of physics is deemed a fast bowl. A famous case was Glenn McGrath bowling to Stephen Hawking, which caused Hawking to formulate his theory on "black-hole boundaries", which occur when the ball disappears into a black hole only to emerge through a worm-hole into the pavilion showers and is awarded 6 runs.
Medium Pace This is similar to fast bowling but the bowler can't be bothered keeping up the pace. He may also choose to rest his bowling arm by changing to his other arm, which will result in a much reduced speed and series of wide balls which may lull the batsman into a false sense of security or hilarity, until the bowler suddenly changes arms and delivers a bouncer or full toss, usually with fatal results.
Spin This intricate type of bowling is so complex and stupidly hard that only one has ever managed to master it. It involves the bowler spinning around so fast that their hair starts to fall out before stumbling up to the crease and bowling. The negative side affect is being forced to appear in countless hair regrowth adverts and brain damage. Muttiah Muralitharan of Sri Lanka has mastered the art of pretend spinning (chucking), while Shane Warne knows how to spin sometimes but devotes most of his time to prostitutes.
Off Spin Spin bowling when it's past its "best before" date. The most famous off spinner is Muttiah Muralitharan (a.k.a. Murali, Chukka).
Leg Spin Not only the opposite of Off Spin, but also the ability to propel the leg of a mammal (land-based or other) at the batsman. A fat Australian (thats you Shane) has claimed to bowl Leg Spin, but this has never been verified due to said Australian being banned for hitting the diet drugs too hard.
Special Delivery This occurs when the captain of one team orders a pizza with either anchovies or mushrooms on it.
Full toss This is a fast ball that reaches the batter without touching the ground, and is thus aimed high. It is usually designed to take the batter's head off cleanly at the neck, and if the head is caught by the wicket keeper the batsman will be given 'out'.
Bouncer A bouncer occurs when the bowler bowls a 6 foot muscular bald-headed man, with a tiny penis and no balls, at the batsman. Alternately, the bouncer is a type of ball that hits the ground short of the batsman and rises quickly, aiming for the head, so it is also known as a short ball, which may also refer to a midget or dwarf ball. It differs from the Full toss because the batsman's head is not caught but is usually found later on the roof of the stand or in the crowd.
Beamer Also known as a near-Lee-thal delivery, for which the bowler receives a warning and a slap on the wrist or arse whichever is preferred, from the umpire. A repeat offence means that the bowler is removed from the attack, and asked to play with himself for the remainder of the season.
Yorker A yorker occurs when an obese loud-mouthed Yorkshireman bounds onto the field and swings his pint of Tetley's at the nearest fielder.
In-Swinger There must be a tree near by and a giant swing too. The bowler swings into the cricket field at a high speed and lets go of the ball at 60 degrees to the vertical. Out-Swinger Aftermath of an "In-swinger" Reverse Swinger Very cool ability of a bowler to peform an "In-swinger" in reverse - almost as though he was a video being played backwards. he sucks the ball back into his hand, no matter, where it is on the pitch. The "Chinaman" Since the sale of the Australian Cricket Team to China, this has become an increasingly common sight on the field.
Slower Ball This is a ball that is mentally retarded and has trouble focusing on the task of getting the batsman out.
Long Hop This happens when an Australian bowler impersonates a kangaroo before bowling at the batsman. Masters of this include peter Siddle.
Leg Break The leg break is a ball that has the tendency to break the leg of the batsman. This ball was very popular in the old times when the likes of Malcolm Marshal but with the advent of pads this ball has become unimportant.
Bye A bye is when the batsman waves goodbye to the crowd who are leaving in confusion after thinking they were seeing a sport. Runs are awarded for how many fans leave, and how confused they are.
Leg Bye A leg bye is when the batsman waves goodbye to his leg, which is currently on the roof of the stadium thanks to a Shaun Tait yorker.
No Ball If no ball is available then a non-huffed kitten is an acceptable alternative. A no ball may also be called by the wicket keeper for a batsman who has "no balls" - see Sledging.
Wide The bowler delivers a ball which is so "wide" that the batsman gets confused and tries to hit it at the wrong end. The best example for this is Krish Srikkanth of India. The biggest wide ball ever bowled is calculated to be 18.212 yards bowled by George Bush. Actually the ball went into a near by weapons base. It took almost 17 hours and 45 American marines to retrieve the ball.
Chuck A type of delivery perfected by Shane Warne who, when accused of throwing, tended to vomit all over the pitch and throw a tantrum. If this type of action is delivered by anyone from England, South Africa or New Zealand, the rules state this is not cricket and the bowler is suspended by the neck from the nearest tree and sent to play hockey where chukkas are acceptable.
Underarm This was the original style of bowling in French Cricket and was used by Francis Drake to defeat the Spanish Armada XI. More recently it was perfected for Test Cricket by the Australian cricket team. However, while not technically illegal it is considered as being suitable only for children, and is deemed Not cricket.
Extras There are four kinds of extras in cricket, all of which can add to the batting team's score. The first kind of extras are any type of garnish a batsman has on his sandwich during Lunch. Then there are the fielders who don't have speaking roles, but just fill in the crowd scenes - these are unpaid and usually won't have ecstasy cards. The third type of Extras are small mints which are concealed in the umpire's pockets - any batsman retrieving them is awarded 6 and a kiss. The final type of extras, and the least common, are those added benefits you receive after having "bowled a maiden over", for example an oral extra.
[edit] Special Terms of Play
[edit] The "Duckworth-Lewis" system
An early 19th century cricket scientist invented this controversial rule. When there is a hurricane within a radius of 140 000 kilometers from a game of cricket any player of any team may call upon the Duckworth-Lewis system to stop all ongoing play and ensue in chasing a duck, worth the amount of exactly one Lewis. The first team to catch the duck gets 1 Lewis to do with as they please. Some say the Lewis can hit 3 sixes with one sweep of the bat, some say he eats ball-boxes for breakfast and he reportedly calls players like Shane Warne and Brett Lee insufferable oafs, without as much as a twitch in his eye. The only thing we know is that he's called Lewis (and he was a fabled warrior of Medieval fame).
[edit] The "Bowl-off" system
Back in 2006, something quite rare happened: England managed to win a test match. The umpires then created the bowl-off ruling, which allows the umpires to launch balls from bowling machines at England players until they run off the pitch. The umpires then rule that the English team is disqualified for abandonment. Following the introduction of this rule all English county teams bought players from other countries, explaining why foreign players top the English batting averages and why the majority of the English cricket team is South African.
[edit] The "Power-Play" system
This was introduced into cricket back in 1679 to double crowd attendance, from 1 peasant to two. The rule states that if one side is winning at any point they may ask the Umpire for a Power-play. During this period the entire side can pick up bats and hit the opposition for the period of one over. Tactics to ensure maximum efficiency from power-play include: 1. If a team is batting and calls the PP system, it may invoke Rule 480374.B subsection 87h.12 which reads: "If theer bee a intervale during thee gamme, thee duration of witch an playyer is cleaning his balles, hee maye bee swapp-ed fore an giant." This rule explains why 9 cricketing giants can often be put into the Reserve Squad (otherwise known as Super-Fielders) 2. If a team is fielding and the opponent batsman calls the PP system, the fielding team will employ their spin bowler (or chucker) to throw 6 balls at once so that the over finishes in 1 second and negates the PP call. Likewise if the fielding side decides to call the PP system, often the captain will use a fast bowler, who despite being labelled as "fast" can usually make an over last for at least one hour.
[edit] Cricketing Nations
The first Australian international cricket team, which toured England in 1868, was composed of Australian Aborigines. Following the success of the tour, Aboriginal cricket teams were banned from travelling overseas or even outside government-enforced reserves. Since then, the "Aussies" in the Australian side have been largely the fruit of British and European "imports". Unlike the original touring side, 'Aussies' are considered to have no sportsmanship in defeat, especially their captain Ned Kelly. If a defeat is inevitable, Kelly typically starts sledging, underarm bowling, and a shoot-out contest with the opposite side, forcing valuable time to be wasted, a draw being the usual consequence. As a result, the last time Australians can remember losing a cricket match was in the late 19th century, a condition known as "selective amnesia".
Among 'great moments' in Australian cricket history, one of the first occurred when world-famous (except in China) cricket historian Richie 'The Frog' Benaud, was the only fielder to appeal in a test match when the batsman's cap was blown off in the wind and knocked over a bail. This set the tone for the "win at any cost" approach for which Australia became (in)famous.
The second great moment in Australian cricket came when Trevor Chappell, receiving orders from his captain and brother Satan, bowled underarm on the last ball to prevent New Zealand from scoring the runs that could have drawn the match (a six). Trevor Chappell was softer than most Australian 'men' (i.e. boys) and actually felt sorry about the incident. Of course, Australian 'men' would be outraged if the situation had been reversed, but it is easier not to think about it - a popular Australian pasttime.
The third great moment came in 2005-6, when Australia lost the series to England and promptly forgot about it... what was it we were talking about?
Bangladesh New whipping boys of Test cricket, taking over the mantle from England. Once every 44 tests under the laws of cricket the Bangladeshis are allowed to score a run but only against Australia who will blame the conceding of this run on rigged elections (whingers) and their players catching on fire. These claims were rebuked by Geoffrey "Boycs" Boycott who said, "It weren't that bloody 'ot. You can't burn in 145 degrees centigrade. Me gran could bat all week in this, scoring a double ton wit a golf club"
In the end, the best description of Bangladesh, as said by many cricketers, is 'woah'. Bangladesh played about 100 matches in 2007. They lost 98 and won 2. The first win was against India, which knocked India out of World Cup, and second win came 6 months later against West Indies, and West Indies were knocked out of T20 World Cup.
England Officially known as the England and Wales and South Africa B Team (with 2 South Africans, 2 Indians, 1 Pakistani, 2 Irish, 2 Scots, but normally referred to as just 'England' because all their culturally-diverse players are from there. There are only 7 things wrong with the English cricket team, their batting, their bowling, their fielding, their players, their captain, their coach, their tactics, their equipment and their fans. And their counting.
It has been said that no Englishman lives to see their team win the Ashes twice... but the events of 2005 and 2009 have dispelled this myth. The England and Wales team had been very unsuccessful in One-day cricket, so to overcome this they invented a Twenty-20 format of the game where each player gets to have 20 mugs of beer before and after the game. They compete fiercely with Australia in both cricket and beer-drinking, but have never forgiven "those bloody wogs, colonists and convicts" for beating them at their own game.
India It is often quite tough for touring teams to win matches in India. This is blamed on the average temperature in India being 587 degrees Celsius, although the average temperature in Melbourne is 733 degrees. The Indian cricketer typically exhibits the following characteristics; hating Australians (shared by most cricketers including fellow Australians), hating umpires and hating the media. Indian cricketers have been known to eat spin bowlers for breakfast, preferably curried. The Indian team can count on "a good crowd" at matches, with attendances often exceeding 1 million with another 900 million queuing outside. The quality of Indian cricket is thus high, because a player knows that if he fails it is likely he will be murdered, his body thrown onto a fire, then will be reborn as a slug or rat or Australian cricketer, depending on his kharmic path.
The Hindu religion provides the only known God of Cricket - Brahma to whom the following prayer (written by Brahmin priest Andrew Lang) is directed:
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If the wild bowler thinks he bowls |
Ireland The new boys on the block, they became infamous for beating Pakistan, dismembering the Pakistani coach and entering the Super eight round of the World Cup. Their captain (Trent Johnson) has the appearance of a chicken with eyebrows so big he uses them to catch balls. It is also known for being the only team having 11 drunken leprechauns. The team is predicted to play well if they can resist the urge to get drunk, break into dancing a jig then start fighting with each other, whilst on the field. Cricket is a highly-watched sport in Ireland, 7 people tuned in to see the the 2003 World Cup, a record high for the sport.
The Netherlands Although they have a long history of playing the game, cricket is widely considered by the Dutch to be boring and pointless, as it takes away from time that could be spent drinking beer and eating waffles. This can also be attributed to them being very highly strung and not having enough time for cricket after playing handball (with more beer and waffles). The Dutch, however, are famously rude and were in fact responsible for first developing sledging (no, not the snowy version, the name-calling).
Sledging (from the Dutch word 'sleggen' - to distract) officially began in 1669 in a "friendly" post-Medway match with the English team, when the Dutch wicket-keeper was heard to remark to the English batsman, "Hey, Inglis! Did you just fart or is it your mother I can smell?" The retaliation by the batsman (deftly sweeping the keeper's head to square leg) led to the Second Anglo-Dutch War and cancellation of the Dutch Tour of 1670. More recently, the most famous Netherlands player is Daan van Bunge who shot to fame in the 2007 World Cup after he bowled 5 clogs and a windmill in an over at Herschelle Gibbs, and was then sent off by the umpires for consuming beer and waffles in slips. He is more famously known as the 12th Dutchman not to have a birthday. Captained by William of Orange, they beat England in their own Twenty20 birthday party, which according to Dutch mathmatician Rude Van Nistelrooy, using his ten de Doeschate formula, makes them the best 20 over side in the world, as England beat previous/eventual winners India and Pakistan.
New Zealand The New Zealand cricket team are known as the Black Caps. Over the years, they have been known to wear black, white, beige, grey, aqua and moustaches and also flavoured black condoms. Their most famous cricket came when they lost to Australia in 1981. They claimed that the awful stench emitting from Trevor Chappell's underarm put them off.
Sri Lanka Murali Murali Murali is all they ever care about and the only player who anyone remembers, because the stupid Australians accuse him of chucking (unlike underarm bowling which was pioneered in Australia). Other players include Aravinda De Silva and Arjuna Rantunga who are fat, but as this is a requirement in the contracts of high profile players this is considered acceptable (see Shane Warne, Mike Gatting, Imzamum Ul-Haq, Merv Hughes, Dwayne Leverock and the list goes on).
Pakistan Insha Allah, Pakistan can only ever win when arch-nemesis Darrell Hair is not umpiring. Supporters have a tendency to kill their coaches. Team had a successful victory over England but then lost in England due to poor umpiring and Inzamam-ul-Haq's chronic obesity. Had success with bowlers Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis as other Pakistan players would come on nude to distract the umpire whilst the bowlers tampered with the ball.
In the last few years Pakistani players were let off several times without punishment after taking banned steroids because they forgot that illegal steroids were illegal. According to recent press reports, all Pakistani players regularly go through a rigorous amnesia process to ensure that this information is promptly forgotten. Newcomers to the Pakistan cricket include the Taliban and Al-Qaeda teams who are promising to "liven things up".
Scotland Cricket in Scotland began when Sir Walter MacDoon discovered it whilst on a hiking holiday in the Valley of McHaggadash. He saw it as a way of actually winning Scottish independence whilst keeping the aggression that the Scots had tried to use in previous independence attempts. It was also another feeble attempt to find a sport that Scotland may excel in, and that didn't require wearing a dress and lobbing logs at each other. So far this has failed miserably, mainly due to the Scots never actually managing to get England to play against them. There are rumours that Scotland will follow Wales' example and join the "England" cricket team. This would solve a lot of problems, however it is thought that the "English" team will refuse to admit it is "British"... as usual!
Cricket in SA was born along with another of South Africa's favourite past-times: corruption. Much like the local politicians, cricketers enjoy the occasional pay-off and laugh as no matter how badly they play, they always manage to beat England (but who doesn't?). Despite these 'minor' problems, South Africa remains one of the strongest cricket nations in the world and as such, in order to make the game fairer for the others, they now have two national teams. One still plays under the old "South Africa" brand, while the second has taken on the "England" franchise.
The USA has developed its own peculiar form of cricket called "baseball". Despite two centuries of "separate development", there remain great similarities between cricket and baseball, to name a few: they attract men interested in balls, the teams throw their balls around (bowlers versus pitchers), they hit their balls with bats (batsmen vesus batters), the games are ruled by fat near-sighted umpires, the games are controlled by rich money men and/or gangsters and bookmakers, the players are elitist, wealthy, obese, corrupted, oversexed, and think of themselves as "like the kid next door". As such, the USA teams would easily fit into modern cricket.
West Indies These players were considered the best 20 years ago and are now one of the whipping boys, especially because Lara has retired. Only notable players are Fidel Castro and his brother Raoul. Cuba and Jamaica are now battling for independence from West Indies. The West Indies consistently beat England for the ICC Best Batting Collapses award, although recently have faced fierce competition from New Zealand for the honour.
Italy While no-one in Italy would even think of having a cricket team, they do. The Italians don't understand the game ("We are lovers, not batties") but they make a fine pasta with red wine and clam sauce.
Zimbabwe Runs scored in Zimbabwe are currently adjusted to inflation daily at a rate of above 2,000,000 per cent. An English run is worth one hundred trillion Zimbabwean runs and hence any ODI they play is automatically forfeited before the toss.
Japan Japan does not play cricket but a recent survey found that most Japanese would probably enjoy the idea and would subscribe to a cricket website if it included cute furry koalas. Japanese however are very good at baseball and so are predicted to succeed at cricket - see USA.
[edit] Events
[edit] Cricket Video Games
[edit] See also
Barmy British Stuff 
