Cricket commentary

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For those not from Britain or Australia, the so-called-experts at Wikipedia have an article about cricket, but no-one who isn't from Britain or Australia cares enough to read it.

Nothing Happens[edit]

John: Well, uh, the players appear to be standing around right now -- what do you think of that Fred?

Fred: That's a bold move John, I haven't seen them standing around in precisely such a manner since... well, since before the last ball.

John: Yes indeed, and it's some really first class standing around they've been doing this season -- although, of course, some might argue that they'll never live up to the truly great stander-arounds of yester-year. Anyway, for those of you just joining us right now I can tell you that a group of men from one country, I think it might be England are occasionally throwing what would appear to be a ball of some sort towards a man with a bat, whom I suspect to be from Australia... but someone might need to check that out for me, and he's just played a terrific agricultural shot, catching the bowler's crafty dipper for an absolute peach... I think. I'm afraid we were having a discussion about scones at the time. But anyway, that was a little while ago and he is now standing around. As is, well, pretty much everybody else.

Fred: I think some attention must be paid to the precise manner in which they're standing around, the like of which I don't think I've seen recently; maybe our statistician can check that out for us... ?

Steve: I can inform you John that it is indeed Australia who are playing, much to my personal surprise, and you Fred that this is in fact the fifth time they've used this mid-offside standing around formation this year, the rate of decline in its frequency of use interestingly enough being the differential of of last year's corresponding figures, with a surprising standard deviation of 0.521385 from the mean, which is exactly the width, in metres, of the brim of Shane Warne's hat. Coincidence? I think not.

Fred: Well, that's very illuminating, thank you, Steve.

Something Happens[edit]

I do believe that something is going on -- unfortunately I don't have my glasses with me, so I'm not certain what it is.

John: Oh, I say, this is interesting, one of the teams appears to be bringing on a new bowler- I myself would have advocated a top hat at this point, but we shall have to see how they use it.

Fred: Oh John, you're such a card... perhaps even more significantly though, England are putting in young Willy Johnson to bowl the ball towards the Australian batsman.

John: Uh, who precisely is batting for Australia at the moment? I'm afraid I may have missed him coming on when I fell asleep during that last over, about half an hour ago.

Fred: To tell you the truth I'm not entirely sure either John -- it's a bloody nuisance the way everyone seems to be wearing white clothes, I've got no idea who's whom.

Steve: If I may interject Fred, I think that the word "whom" has a silent "W"... It's pronounced "hoom" rather than "wom".

Fred: ...Shut up, Steve. Anyway, I think Jeff Holding is batting at the moment.

John: So... the batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willy?

Fred: (giggles)

Steve: (sighs) That's not funny, John

Fred: Well, look on the bright side, at least Terry Cumminon wasn't batting.

Nothing Happens Again, But It Sounds Suspicious[edit]

John: It's a gorgeous day don't you think Fred? Wonderful conditions to be whacking balls around in.

Fred: Yes indeed John, and the moist pitch means the batsmen have been fumbling the bowlers' googlies all day

John: Not so for Holding though, who apparently plays with a straight bat; no-one's going to manage to slip one down his off-side, I can tell you that.

Steve: Absolutely right John -- he certainly guards his stumps better than many here.

Fred: And I hear he's not too keen on sodomy either.

<Long silence>

Nothing Happens Some More[edit]

Turn to page 254 in your textbooks and you'll find a table of shots....

John: Well, the players seem to be enjoying themselves- the umpires appear to have dozed off right now, but I'm sure someone will wake them before the next ball... I dare say we'll be going in for tea soon anyway. But right now, there are some rather lovely clouds overhead -- what do you think of that Fred?

Fred: Those are very fine, um, strato-cumulus, by the looks of them. And, I say, there's a very fine plane as well.

John: Gosh, that is exciting. And I think there might even be something going on in the game right now.

Fred: Good Lord, yes -- some of the fielders are even moving a little bit, it must be significant.

Steve: I think you'll find, John, that young Crotchworth just spun in a smashing full-length leg-cutter, a real shooter, which the batsman, Wayne, thinking Crotchworth something of a pie-chucker, tried vainly to waft, but he was castled good and proper, giving Crotchworth a wicket maiden, and so Wayne, normally a fine batsman, is gone for a duck, and may be his bunny before long.

John: ...I see. Are we going in now then?

Fred: Yes, I do rather think it's tea-time. Come on chaps, up to the pavilion.

John: By the way Fred, where are you in the batting order next innings?

See Also[edit]