Crochet
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Crochet is a sado-masochistic needlework technique used to produce a broad array of textiles suitable for charity bazaars, such as toilet paper covers, penis cozies, seafoam green baby booties, and over-starched doilies. The basic principle of stitch formation involves pulling strands of cheap acrylic yarn (or scratchy cotton string) through loops of itself to form a holey, lumpy textile stained by the finger grease of the worker.
The hooked implement used in making crochetwork varies in size, but ranges from minuscule dental hooks to oversized Jamaican doobies. The word crochet is French for "to torture kittens".
Crochet is generally considered (by knitters) to be inferior to knitting, owing to crochet's progressively finished nature; knitters complain that they don't know where to insert the hook and resort to shoving it up their asses, which are significantly tighter than the asses of crocheters.
[edit] History
Bastardized precursors to crochet have been found in ancient thrift store bargain bins across the United States, but Europe is usually blamed for the genesis of this unfortunate handcraft.
6th century fragments of golf club covers from Egypt have been attributed to crochetwork, but have been later identified as Magic Looming. Extant crochet artifacts generally date from no earlier than the 1800s, when feminine menstrual hygiene made the transition from gerbil pelts to striped potholders.
19th century proponents of crochet deemed it a pastime fit for high-class whores, but crochet became most popular among overweight, middle-aged hausfraus who were colorblind and too stingy to use anything but synthetic fibers.
The height of crochetwork culminated in the early 20th century with the peak of Irish crochet, a form of microscopic lacework that trimmed the handkerchief edges of Dublin drunkards, then fell apart in the laundry.
The resurgence of crochet during the 1960s and 1970s brought about such style-impaired projects as granny square vests, ripple afghans, and lopsided sock puppets. The demographic distribution of crocheters during the late 20th and early 21st centuries generally encompasses aging yuppies desperate to attain the diva-entitlement status of Stitch 'n' Bitches, a militant organization of lesbians who invert their body piercings.
