Crunchberry Islands
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The Crunchberry Islands are located somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle near Old Zealand. We can’t show you a map, unfortunately, as the last one we drew was scribbled over by a retard. The islands are best remembered as the birthplace of the infamous Cap'n Crunch, who was born on Pen Island, between the Softberry Spa and Pedophisland, where the Oranges roam the land and Sunny, the bird who's Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and a heroine-attic, was born. After Cap’n Crunch left these parts, he met Sir Ralph Alpen and founded a cereal empire the like of which no-one nowhere’s ever seen.
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[edit] Discovered
The islands were discovered by the famous explorer and interferer Captain Cookware, who wasn’t expecting to find them as he pootled through the Dazzling Blue Ocean in a silly little skiff one day in 1815. “Jesus!” he cried as he spotted the isles off the starboard bow. “What do you want?” asked Jesus, who popped up from the sea looking all hairy and holy. Cookware collaborated with Jesus to build the islands’ first church and fast-food restaurant (on Churchburger Island), but mostly just lazed around enjoying himself, drinking lobster beer and chatting up the native women.
[edit] Phwoar!
The female natives are almost universally known as Phwoars, after Captain Cookware’s exclamation when he saw them for the first time. They have beautiful faces, enormous norks and insatiable sexual appetites. They cook a mean stew as well, and can drink a lot of men under the table.
[edit] Lobster beer
Phwoars can drink eight gallons of lobster beer, brewed using the finest lobster guts and turds, in a single sitting. Sometimes they can stand up and do it too.
[edit] Tropical democracy
The Crunchberry Islands are governed by Al Roker and Big Bird, who are coincidentally both men and each other’s lovers. Nearly every Tuesday they hold an election, which is attended by representatives of all the Islands’ fauna and flora. Birds, antelopes, roses, clematises, sponges, fish and Phwoars gather in their thousands, listen to a squawky speech by Big Bird and then go home again. It’s called democracy.
[edit] Dangerous critters
Spread across the Islands are the deadly Salamis, who will not hesitate to tear out your spleens, cover them in honey, tie them to trees, and have bears eat them. It’s quite an entertaining spectacle. They look like round slices of spiced German sausage, only much bigger and with sharp teeth.
[edit] The islands and their names
There are an estimated 258 islands in the Crunchberry archipelago, though every time somebody tries to count them, they fall in the water and drown. About 40 of the islands have English names, each of which usually represents an aspect of culture on the island concerned. For example, Hanging Island has capital punishment, Risotto Island is known for its Italian rice dishes, Itchy Island has fleas, and Detective Island has the largest population of dicks, or private eyes. There is a gift shop at the end of Gift Island that sells Trojan Pleasure Packs, fruit baskets, and pirated Angelina Jolie DVDs. Game Island is famous for it's 10-day tic-tac-toe and rock-paper-cutlass tournaments. If you visit Lemyn Island, there is a 60% chance you will return with Lemyn Disease 100% of the time.
[edit] Symptoms of Lemyn Disease:
-being able to put your fist in your mouth
-overgrown toenails
-baldness (on your back?)
-you're a woman
-you actually watch The View without hanging yourself
-sudden cravings for camel meat
-Boy George is awesome
-mmmmm... toast
-multiple pregnancies (only in males)
-you're actually still reading this
-.......bummer
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