Crusades

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Common phrase told to the muslims or jews before the massacre. Why William the Conqueror is in this tapestry is unknown... or a flying Eskimo woman.

“Allalalala--AHHHH!”

~ Muslim getting stabbed in the eye by a Christian

“Fuck the Alamo! Remember the Crusades!”

~ Oscar Wilde on the Crusades

[edit] Introduction

"The Crusades", also kown as the War on Terror, were something a bit like the Big Breakfast they helped to create the "emo" music genre. Because of this, God got angry and unleashed his fury on the other lessers and senseless religions... Most people joined in just to get cool swords and shit.... BTW THEY DIDNT HAPPEN - Religion Teacher at a Catholic School.

Though some wise guys believe crusades were a quest to find the lost aliens.They (wise guys) consider star wars and Lord of the Rings as the holy works. All they could find was people who liked eatings lots of goats and playing with their blood. So they sacked Jerusalem believing that the aliens were hidden below their stables.

[edit] Christianity

Jesus of Nazareth was born in Bethleham after the town won a competition to host his birth on a local radio station. This was a much needed economic boost to the mainly pastorally agricultural town. When he was 30, he went around telling people that god was going to increase his TV ratings. They needed to accept this by loving each other and forgiving everybody and stuff. He spent a lot of his time with unimportant people, telling them “We’re all equal in the eyes of God.” Jewish priests were afraid of the power he was getting and wanted to get rid of him. Also the Romans feared his power, because of his scary monster-biker friends. (Jesus always knew how to make cool pals.)

Jesus' publicity campaign backfired when he was arrested and crucified by Roman soldiers on demand of the Jews. Three days after his crucifixion he was found by his followers, apparently alive, and told them that crucifixion sucked and that he would not be hanging around much longer in-case it happened again. He also told them that his death was part of God’s plan and that they should spread God’s words and the hope of life after death.

When Christianity took over the region of the Roman Empire, Rome became the center of Christianity, and Roman WHAT THE FUCK?!! Catholicism. At that time the Pagan beliefs were labelled as Christianity. The head of the church was called a Papa and that all the bishops were his "homies" and the nuns his "bitches". Papas were as powerful as all the kings put together. Although not as large with it.

[edit] The Islamic religion

The dude Mohammed was born about 570 A.D. in Mecca (bingo, to poor chavvy parents explaining why hes a terroist/general shit head), a city in Arabia. Mohammed was a merchant, teacher, and taxi driver also a part time rhapeist on call of duty 4. One day Mohammed was driving his taxi when a catholic priest spilt holy wine on his new seat covers. After that he wrote the verse of swords and wouldn't pick up customers carrying alcohol, unless they gave it to him. Mohammed knew about the beliefs of the wiccans and Jews who believed in only one god. Then Mohammed had a vision of the angel Gabriel who told Mohammed there was only one god and that that god’s name was zezima, and he wouldbe zezima’s prophet. One fact that he forgot to share in the Quran was that he was on L.S.D., but made this clear in his second book, "Quran v2. N0valife strikes back". Mohammed spread the message to the people of Mecca, and as a result became rather unpopular with the priests who also wanted to be able to carry alcohol in his Taxi. It was not safe for Mohammed to stay in Mecca anymore, so Mohammed flew to Las Vegas, but the plane fail in medina. This journey is called the hijra.

Mohammed gathered followers from Medina, and Mohammed and his followers took control of the city of Mecca reckoning it was a holy place for odd people. Muslims believe in the 5 pillars of wisdom as written in the Qu’ran: • Believe in Bill Gates as the only God • Pray .38 times a day • Make a pilgrimage to Mecca every year • Help the rich • Keep the feast of Ramadan.

• Don't ever enjoy yourself, instead give all of your money and booze to Mohammed who will dispose of it.
• Kill those who do enjoy themselves in any way, such as breathing a lot. These people are infidels.
• Only Mohammed can decide who is an infidel.
• Homosexuality and paedophilia are off limits to anyone but Mohammed. Although the heratic Catholics still enjoy a good child,like an american enjoys food.

There is also an unofficial "6th pillar."

• Blow thyself up in the name of Allah.

Muslims believe in life (and virgins) after death, and that those people who don’t will not get to heaven. Mohammed told the Muslims to tell people to believe in Allah, by war if necessary. After Mohammed died, the Muslims took over the top of Africa, Arabia, and Spain which was handy because they got control over Jerusalem.

[edit] The Eternal Salvation for a Cross or the Triple Back

This was the policy of Pope Jonh Paul XXI, to get people to fight against the Muslims the Nazis introduced the new career of crusade: When you have no time kill a Muslim, when you have time kill a Muslim, when you want to pray kill a Muslim, when you don't want to pray kill a Muslim. It was a simple formula, and wildly popular as it took the stress of decision making out of daily life. Indeed the policy has its advocates even today, Ronald "Thin Lips" McDumbsfeld being among them.

If you join in a crusade you get for free a nice cross to put in your hearth, if you have the cross a Muslim or a Jew can kill you everywhere and you may get eaten by a Grue. If you were a crusader you can get the eternal salvation granted by god or just burn in hell for a while.

A very common battle between Muslims and arian races on everquest

[edit] Military and monastic orders

The military order of those Muslim types consists of old hermits and rejected traffic wardens. The hermits attack when you least expect it, like right now, there is a bloody Muslim hermit behind you. Luckily the Middle American forces were able to defeat the traffic wardens by showing them pictures of a potato inserted into various body parts, such as that little hole in between the butt and the vagina.

[edit] Knights Templars

An armored Crusader posing happily with the head of a Saracen warrior he just killed.

The Templar Knights were founded in the AD 1118 to protect the caravans of cardinals trying to take, sorry, pray at the holy land. The Templars were called Templars because they liked Simon Templar, a resident DJ at Club Dogma (Edinburgh), as he played bangin' techno music, and bore an uncanny resemblance to porn star Roger Moore. Over half of the order consisted of the Protoss aliens from Starcraft. Many also swore secret allegiance to Lord Sauron for more power.

A Templar usually wore a red cross, the symbol of the supremacy above the Hospitalers. The Templars also worshiped an idol called Baphomet, a lethal Internet virus, they just poke all Muslims with this to get lag! The Templars were the creators of spam and they spammed this page and all the internet with lots of crosses. Mohammed noticed the greatness of their spamination and paid them 666 bags of money to spam for him. At this point, the French got angry, and the king of France was very angry because he wanted the 666 bags of money and he was fighting Mohammed. All the Templars were invited to a birthday party by the French king and he tried to kill them and take the 666 bags of money. They escaped the French king and took the 666 bags of money and the holy Grail which they got from the Muslims and went to America where they founded Mormonism with Black Jesus.

[edit] Facts about Templars

• Today the Templars have become womanly priests who disguise themselves as teachers.
• They were Arian.
• They founded the letter Q in 1049.
• They were owned by Philip IV.
• They were poor (and most probably gay), as they shared horses.
• They cut the heads of many Muslims.
• They wielded dual psi blades on their wrists.
• They drove purple pimpmobiles into battle.
• Masons are Templars.
• Templars pwn all with the sword.
• Templars are the guardians of the Holy Grail.
• Darth Hitler was a Templar Grandmaster.
• They all played D&D and World of Warcraft, along with other Satanic stuff.
• They didn't wear anything underneath their tunics.
• Indiana Jones was a Templar, but was killed for telling the Nazis were they hid the Holy Grail and the Ark of the Covenant.
• A lot of them got owned by Altair, the assassin during the third crusade, but due to the nature of the time/space continuum, tha has'nt happened yet, even though the third crusade actually has.

400px|right|thumb|Templars owning the Hospitalers.

[edit] Order of the Hospital of St. John

This order was founded to cut the heads of all the Muslims as well as getting hold of all the gold. As the Hospitalers were too poor to buy their own island, Malta was the last HQ of the order who fought the brave order of Santo Domingo del Carmen y Cristobal Colon. This order was founded on the 1st of January of the year 1111 and were called "the only ones". The only ones get a nice black robe with a white cross, symbol of: "We aren't Templars. If you do not say than we are better than Templars, we will not save you from Muslims, n00B pilgrim!".

[edit] Facts about the Knights Hospitalers

• They once healed Humphrey Bogart.
• They were actually worse than the Templars, but claim to be better than Templars.
• Actually, they are a bunch of bishops and politicians.
• They cut the heads of the Templars.
• They tried to own the Templars.
• They were pwned by Muslims.
• They were allergic to top hats.
• They were bought by Bill Gates in the year 2006.
• They will be the platform for Windows Vista.
• It was the first NHS hospital and had 3 senior managers to each nun (sister)
• Also known as "manly nuns", who would be a teacher in drag. Today this is all they are.
• They traveled to Mexico to the find the Fountain of Youth, but someone pissed in it; and due to this, Humphrey Bogart destroyed Malta.

[edit] Teutonics Knights

The Teutonic Knights are, as shown in Age of Empires 2, gods. This became evident during the battle at 'de_dust2', where 3 counter strike Teutonic Knights lead off agaisnt a team of 12 Elite Terrorists(disguised Saracens.) The Teutonic Knights used their M4 swords agaisnt the terrorist AK-47 sabres. The round ended in the Teutonic Kinght's favor, with all 12 terrorists dead, and the tuetonic knights all alive. The 3 Teutonic Knights lead many rounds agaisnt the Saracens, across landscapes such as cs_office, de_aztec, and de_dust. Eventually, the Saracen's admins banned the Tuetonic knights off their server.

Today Teutonic Knights live as not so obvious teachers in drag.

[edit] Facts about the Teutonic knights

• They were Teutonic.
• They were Knights.
• They claimed to be templars and hospitalers.
• They claimed to have the "St.Paul hospital".
• They claimed to get eaten by grues
• They claimed to worship the idol "We-ird-meat"\
• They claimed too much.
• They were owned by pagans because they sucked.
• They were all ex power rangers.
• Mahoma was the last Grand master of the order, all the knights become Muslims.
• Although many were furious soldiers, they could only say "THE POWER OF CHRIST!!!" with 3 exclamation marks!!!!

[edit] The Orders Today

The templars were pwn3d by the French before they turned into wussy-Europeans-that-loose-all-their-wars-because-they-surrender-at-the-first-sighting-of-an-enemy-soldier, the hospitals were bought by Bill gates and the Teutonic army is now a bunch of Germans. Any questions?

[edit] Present-day Crusades

To this day, the Crusades still exist. This time, God sent a bunch of warriors down to Earth to yell to everyone, with a Holy Megaphone, shouting that only Christianity is true. They also yell that all Muslims, Jews, gays, and many many more are wrong and that God will smite them with his almighty power of lolz.

This is how it's done with technology: WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LIKE PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!