Crustaeanity

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Since prehistoric times, man has been awed and inspired by the delicious crustacean, technically defined as any food that has sat in the refrigerator long enough to form an exoskeleton, or "crust." In modern times, the term has lost some of it wider context and now refers only to sea creatures who grow this crust on their own, without the intervention of freon. Early hunters found their crude weapons could not penetrate the protective coating, and thus attributed wonderful properties to the lobsters, crabs, and other delicious animals they could not immediately devour.

Following the stone age came the short-lived "Age of Rock" during which time the women determined that smashing the shell with a large rock revealed the delicious meat inside. In the absence of a sizable boulder, the box set of Black Sabbath would suffice as a weighty rock alternative.

Crustaeanity[edit]

The cult of Crustaeanity rose in popularity until the Spanish Inquisition, at which time a great schism divided those faithful worshippers into two camps: those who wanted to protect their gods in hundred gallon saltwater tanks (Aquarians), and those who preferred to eat them (The Acolytes of the Red Lobster). Although long divided, both sides continue to flourish; that is, until the appearance of hominids, who quickly took the schism to a schismmasterful new level.

Hominids, being both man and crab (or mancrab, for short) had a fresh and convincing take on the Crustaenic religion, though a bit on the salty side. Their viewpoint, summed up, was: "We are actually crustatians, and you're not. Go suck an egg."

The backlash was startling, with thousands of human followers of Crustaenity flinging themselves blindly into the oceans, which was fine by the scavenging Hominids, who normally just eat a lot of seaweed. Subsequently the Hominid religion flourished under the sea, while it floundered on the land above. This is what began the Man-Hominid Wars, which the Hominid population was largely unaware of for centuries, having little-to-no interaction with creatures on land.

That, however, did not stop the human Crustaens from angrily waving their swords at the ocean, tossing bottles into the sea, and leaving garbage on the beach after a party.