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A typical crybaby in action.

A crybaby is someone who whines about everything and anything they can whine about. It doesn't even matter if what they are whining about affects them. The object of the crybaby's rants and raves are to draw attention to their petty problems. If someone is complaining about hating their job and their job is cleaning out the toilets in stadiums with a toothbrush, then they are not technically a crybaby. If someone makes millions of dollars playing professional sports and is complaining that they are working too hard and their job leaves them with no satisfaction, then they are indeed a crybaby. A good example of a crybaby is Tim Couch.


The crybaby phenomenon is not just one that happens in the world of professional sports.It is rampant in Hollywood, Corporate America, the internet, kite flyers, worm farmers, and religions worldwide. It all started, by the informed estimates of experts on the subject (such as the French) when Marie Antoinette lost her head over something stupid, and is probably the root cause cause of all cry-babying that goes on today.

Sidney Crosby, professional sports' premier crybaby.

Known Crybabies[edit]

What to do if you encounter a crybaby in the wild[edit]

It's all about the angst baby...

Crybabies are very persistent and have an innate need to have others listen to their crap on what is giving them the angst from which they are currently suffering, lest they spontaneously combust. Be advised that the angst will frequently change to a different angst--often with little or no advance warning. A crybaby has the power to cause the subsequent suicide of those who have had their minds infiltrated with the attacking crybaby's foul angst-stench. A female crybaby is capable of a salvo of over 250 distinct angsts, each with a different payload upon the mind of the victim that they manage to attach their mind draining tube to should they finally corner a victim. The female crybaby's favoured place of angst dispatching is in their bed right after sex with their intended victim, where it is believed their victims are more viable prey to the assailing crybaby. This in turn creates even more angst for which they need to reattach their mind draining tube to the victim in order to resolve, but that in turn creates yet even get the idea.

If you see a crybaby approaching[edit]

Move very quickly in the opposite direction. Be advised that female crybabies often have subordinate crybaby slaves waiting at strategic locations along the most likely escape routes. They will effectively crybaby you to death should you become cornered, without the benefit of at least having been able to experience the aforementioned tube. Skilled and knowledgeable persons can sometimes carefully let her attach her tube with no ill effects to themselves but it raises the odds of the crybaby involved later mercilessly assailing the victim with the dreaded Stalker Salvo.