Crysis

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Crysis is know worldwide to be the best of all in graphics
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Crysis

Crysis is the world's longest playable computer game demo, preparing game enthusiasts for the long awaited best game of all time, Crysis 2, which is itself a demo for the even longer awaited Crysis 3 in which you maybe cause some noticeable damage to this alien super-army. The demo was produced by 5 drunks who think motion blur is really cool and was tested by no one, as the story is too good for any playtesters to comment on how wonderfully comprehendable it is and how it is no way whatsoever cheesy, predictable and cringeworthy. The demo was released in 2037, when the only supercomputer which could run it was reduced to an affordable $14 million, bringing it into the mainstream market. Upon release critics gave up on life and shot themselves, meaning the game received no negative feedback whatsoever, an industry first.


The plot[edit]

The plot is relatively simple. You are a person with a gun and a high tech bathing suit who falls out of a plane. And your chute's gone, your damn chute is gone! You are then instructed to KILL BLACK JEWS. (Unfortunately the scientists were drunk while rewiring the visuals, and in result everyone except asians and narnians did NOT look like black jews, making the KILL BLACK JEWS part nothing more than a "accidental" typo. Now, moving on....) You however end up shooting more palm trees, because shooting palm trees and watching them fall is actually more fun than killing people. The nature and species (and biological makeup) of the things you have to kill change two thirds of the way through the game, just to keep you on your toes. You are then instructed to KILL MORE ASIANS. The game eventually ends after 27 hours of non-stop, solo combat. During this time the player is exposed to the scenario of hiding from many Koreans (a very inferior alien race[Zerg]) in a bush many many times, prompting them to try different ways to not die in order to keep the blood flowing to their brain. At the end you shoot big guns off a big scary thing in a totally new and original gamemode named "Time Crysis" before your survival causes your friend to make a bid for suicide out of the back of the plane.

Within the game, numerous attempts can be made to open up cans of Whoop Ass on native animal life. Unfortunately, Animal Rights Activists have been attempting to file lawsuits against the game, but no further developements have been made.

The Characters[edit]

One of the main innovations in the game is the characterization. The characters include: Super badass Scott Mitchell, smartest man in the world George Bush, and the gay ass Ying Yang Twins.

As well as this colorful bunch there are the Koreans who relax by flying helicopters in circles and suffering from short term memory loss, as well as the aliens who are just plain stupid. The characters are all very concerned by the number of flies on the island and are continuously seen to be attempting to swat them when talking.

Another main group of characters are the aliens, who are also totally original. They are kind creatures but accidentally encased themselves in metal shells covered in lots of sharp spikes, therefore making them largely misunderstood. After hiding for several millennia in a big rock they take their first brave steps out onto the island to greet the humans. Sadly not all goes to plan and after 3 failed attempts to shake hands with some kind humans in funny suits they retreat to their rock and breathe into paper bags to get over the fright. Psychoanalysts believe the misunderstanding comes from a nervous habit the aliens have to flail their lethal limbs all over the place when attempting to greet someone.

In a final attempt to communicate, the aliens built a big metal human-like face and attached it to one of their peace-ships. This plan also backfired when the humans blew them to Narnia.

Fortunately, the aliens had set their machines to return to their home planet during daylights savings time. This gave the humans to unleash their secret weapon(s). The most fearful beings known to aliens that are only scared of chickens and ducks, the chickens and ducks! More information on how these god-rivaling two feet feather faced creatures destroyed aliens in seconds.

Last of all there are the ducks and chickens, the true heroes of the story. When no one was looking a group of them waddled into the middle of the alien ship and pecked the self desruct button. The sequence countdown reached the end during the last four seconds of the ending.

The Ending[edit]

The ending of Crysis

(This section contains no spoilers whatsoever as the game doesn't actually get to the end before it ends)

Upon finally figuring out how to kill the aliens, the game abruptly ends. This is the result of a psychological study which found that if you really really piss people off, they buy more of your products. This research is also the basis for the announcement that Crysis 2 will begin with you standing outside a destroyed alien mothership saying "Wow that was awesome fun" and the rest of the game will involve wondering what the hell you do next. The game ends just as you figure that out to set you up for Crysis 3.

Features[edit]

Crysis has some of the most advanced never-before-seen features you could imagine:

North Koreans deserve something...

Nanosuit[edit]

The character you play uses a Nanosuit throughout the mission. The Nanosuit allows you to use OVER 9000!!! modes which helps the player get to his mission objective tactically, strategically, quickly, skillfully, and of course... spiritually. The four modes are armor, speed, strength and cloak.

  • Armor mode - it gives you near-infinite bullet absorption which allows you to survive a tank round, however, you get killed when a Korean melees you. This is extremely powerful and prevents you from dying.
  • Speed mode - injects nanodes into your bloodstream which increases the rate of anaerobic respiration allowing you to do anything faster than your enemies, hence it would give you a heart attack. Also, you can slam into walls at 55 miles per hour. You instantly die. This is extremely powerful and prevents you from dying.
  • Strength mode - enhances the user's muscularity and movement which allows you to give North Koreans a free ride to the sky, although the red glow can lit up the entire night sky. In addition, you can flip a car with this but in the process, the car whacks you in the face and you die. This is extremely powerful and prevents you from dying.
  • Cloak mode - nanodes form together and refract light which makes the player near-invisible, this allows you to give North Koreans wedgies without being noticed. Be warned that when you cloak, the suit makes a very noisy buzzing sound and gives off really bright blue flashes, which makes you amazingly easy to spot. Plus, if you ever try to do anything in this mode you lose all suit energy instantly, and fifty Koreans materialize out of the bushes to whup your butt. This is extremely powerful and prevents you from dying.
  • God mode - For the 1337 h4XX0rZ. You're invincible so you can kick korean/alien butt all day long without getting a scratch on your pretty armor.

Weapons[edit]

In order to be an original shooter which will revolutionize the gaming industry, Crysis arms you with a pistol, an SMG, an assault rifle, a shotgun, a sniper rifle, half a liter of gatorade, a can of redbull, three pieces of stride gum, a surprisly tasty piece of man-meat, sixteen ounces of cat urine, an RPG and grenades. The game also lets you throw heavy objects and people at other people. These features have never been seen before in a game. It is also worth noting that the rocket launcher fires rockets so fast, they've left the stratosphere before the sound of it firing has reached your ears. If other developers decide to use this innovative formula for future titles, things will get pretty exciting. The game also boasts giving you the ability to add totally useless components to your weapons, such as sniper scopes to an SMG. The game's new and innovative engine is also credited with adding even more realism to the game's weapons. After emptying an entire clip into an enemy's face you realize that he is still punching you in the head. They not only allow user to have limited standard weapons, but allows the player to take control of portable weapon of mass destruction. This includes a weapon size of a standard rifle but with unlimited amount of the most powerful Russian nukes available to Putin. However, due to the radius of damage and radioactivity, there is no possible way of using this weapon without killing yourself.

Vehicles[edit]

Because running around is for old games, not new innovative games like this one, Crysis lets you get into vehicles and drive them. Wow, what a great new idea! It's as if nobody else thought of that 2 and a half years ago. All will be well unless the situation arises that you drive into a leaf of a discernible mass, in which case the vehicle will realistically explode. In case you don't want to take advantage of this awesome feature, or you bailed out just in time like some pathetic coward, you can always run. As this is an innovative and open-ended game you can run really fast. Don't forget to turn on speed mode though! Without it you could take 4 and a half hours to reach your destination, instead of a mere 270 minutes. Talk about time saving!

Koreans also enjoy using vehicles as transport, however they are much less reckless compared to a standard player. In order to avoid grass they carefully navigate large trucks, tanks and Jeeps along roads at approximately 0.01 kilometers every... Hmm, this is a difficult sentence to finish as time follows no identifiable pattern on the island. Night time lasts anything from forever to 5 minutes and day time lasts anytime from forever to 4 and a half years. Anyway back to the Koreans and their careful driving, they make sure to carefully expose the fuel tank of their vehicle so that it can be refilled quickly should the need arise. They also make the tanks out of the thinnest and most flimsy metal they can find so that the width doesn't lower the maximum amount of fuel which can be held. This is all for safety reasons, as if a vehicle runs out of fuel it could concern the driver who could plow it into a blade of grass while distracted. In order to enhance their driving skills the Koreans also put themselves into a powerful trance when driving, so that nothing but their vehicle coming to a stop (or their death) can get their attention.

Open-Ended Gameplay[edit]

Otherwise known as hiding in bushes, open-ended gameplay allows the player to skip every enemy, objective and chance to enjoy themselves, only running into a dead end at the very end of the game when they realize that THEY DON'T HAVE THE GUN THEY NEED, and have to start the game from scratch to go and get it. This also means that you are always looking in the wrong direction when something cool happens.

Multiplayer[edit]

Crysis has an all new unique multiplayer mode called Power Struggle. This kind of multiplayer mode allows each opposing team to capture North Korean documents about Kim Jong-il's favourite hobbies. Crytek incorporated the most advanced anti-cheat technology into their game, it is called PunkBuster. The system lets players decide whether they want 50x normal speed, 1000x normal speed, or the ability to move so fast that you fly. They can also opt to to have unlimited homing missiles, endless energy, endless cloak, God Mode, rapid-fire infinite nukes, ice pistols, etc. This system allows players to show their own creativity on so called "hacking" by simply changing the values in the text file.

Graphics[edit]

A preview screenshot of Crysis 2, like everything in Crysis it is totally original (Note: Graphics from Crysis 3 are so realistic that they look better than real life and if shown would thus cause death to all who view them.)

Many gamers have been of the opinion that the graphics in Crysis are very good. However what they don't know is that they have been deceived, as the visuals which you see on your computer screen are the output from a video camera held by a poor African child on a remote island, trying to earn money for his family.

When you press the move keys the child is tormented with electric shocks causing him to follow the player's instructions. Don't panic however because after 6 months of filming the child and his family will receive a shiny new donkey as payment. The only work the game engine has to do during the entire process is add motion blur to everything. Add lots of motion blur to everything. Way too much motion blur too everything. The reason for this is unknown because the blur screws up the entire game and makes it unplayable on almost every computer. Crysis 2 and 3 are rumored to run on an even more advanced engine, known as real life. Players will be shipped off to an island and made to fight evil aliens with their bare hands. The only computers involved are the ones inside masks given out to all the players which blur everything you see.

What will run it[edit]

Only four known computers will run Crysis: Skynet, HAL, the Googleplex System, and the Matrix. This is because the levels of motion blur needed requires a custom made smudging machine, which can smudge over 2.5 million pixels every half-second. Many players attempted to bypass this issue by disabling motion blur, to which the game's response was showing Meatspin. This requires high-end hardware capable of running trinary codes (don't ask). However, IBM denies this fact since they are trying to avoid the fact that they ended up watching Meatspin by playing Crysis on their best computer (read: inferior).


Crysis: System Requirements[edit]

  • OMG F1rst P0ST!!
  • A super computer that can calculate the value of pi to 1337 gazillion places.
  • 999.99 THz or faster Processor (Octo-Centi core recommended for Low Settings Gameplay)
  1. WARNING# Overclocking CPU may cause a temporal gravitational time rift.
  • An additional computer with same specs or better.
  • 512 TB RAM with 8420THz or higher Memory Clock
  • ATM machine
  • The blood of a virgin
  • 4-D Glasses
  • A level 80 WoW Death Knight
  • 256 TB Video Card with DirectX 69.0c (Nvidia XeForce 99990 GX1000 Ultra; due to poor scaling, a Zeforce 99995 GTX may be required on some PCs)
  • 8 nuclear reactors producing 100 Trillion Megatons of Power per day per reactor.
  • Two sheets of hyper-conductive thinking Titanium.
  • 100,000,000 Exobytes of Free Hard Drive space
  • 14777216 Petabytes per second XDSL Internet Connection
  • Jesus Christ
  • A Cow
  • Windows Futurama 14777216-bit OS
  • A five hundred and sixty one thousand inch 1T50V??Rx9000 monitor (when used in conjunction with the Nvidia XeForce 99990 GX1000 Ultra) running at 16777216x9412364 resolution (200THz Refresh Rate)
  • A Planetarium
  • Thermodynamic CPU & GPU cooler or 46,000 gallons of industrial strength liquid nitrogen. (or anal lube)
  • Space, matter and time calculator.
  • An 18 speed cooling fan
  • A TARDIS in your basement

If all the above conditions are met you "may" be able to run Crysis on the Lowest possible settings with medium lag. Medium lag = about 6 frames per second.

Running on low-end computers[edit]

Crysis has been tried to run on ordinary computers, but unfortunately the screen was full of binary codes (001011000101001) which made many people cry. By translating this you`ll get a message like: "Oh my fucking god?!?! Are you fucking stupid? Your computer is SHIT!" Anyway, we are sure (completely sure) that the game doesn`t work on present computers or any of those in the near (or even far) future. Except the Googleplex System, Skynet, HAL and the Matrix.

It has been noted that Crysis is known to asplode low-end computers. This crisis is subject to much debate and is not very publicised by Crytek. Although not a regular occurrence, it is recommended to avoid Crysis on computers worth less than $14 billion.

It has also been proven that if run on low end systems for to long, Crysis can rip a hole in the space time continuum and destroy the entire universe. This has already happened once, but the universe was immediately replaced and the incident hushed up.

See Also[edit]