Crystal meth
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“Manwhat? Noman,what,Ilikedidwhat? IIIIlike...Igotta...What? Dude. DUDE! DUDEDUDEDUDEDUDE yeahokyeahman. SudafediswhatI'mtalkinduuuuuuuuuuuuuuude...s.s.s.s.sSeriously...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Crystal Meth
| Someone used this article to have Hot Sex With Pancakes! |
Crystal meth, also known as Speed, is a form of lemonade. Though it contains no lemons, lemon juice, or anything remotely natural, it is still a popular bevearge.
Crystal Meth is primarily manufactured in rural areas and consumed as part of their traditional harvest ceremonies, a quaint time of celebration wherein entire families stay up for three days straight, husking and cleaning each individual kernel of wheat.
Meth was invented by farmers after they realized that the corn they grew "just didn’t get them high anymore.” They went out to barns, houses and local general stores and boiled everything they could find. Then they took the residual sludge, and put it through an exclusive purification process involving the human kidney and copious micturation. Then they harvest their own kidneystones and sell them on the black market. And that is the miracle of methamphetamine.
[edit] Positive Side Effects
Meth improves your grades and makes you fly fighter jets better. If a crazy murderer breaks into your house and holds you hostage, you can be a good host and offer him some meth.
Meth is an excellent household cleaner and can also be used as a sort of dental hygiene product (since you will have fewer teeth to brush, you can spend more time on each one individually).
When you're on meth you can drive a truck as long as you want to.
No one will meth with you.
[edit] Negative Side Effects
Meth makes your penis small, unless you're a woman, in which case it will make your clit bulge.
Speed bumps are the result of prolonged use of speed. You may notice a chick with scabs all over her body and an unstoppable need to itch claiming that invisible parasites or shadow bugs are attacking her, thats a speed bump.
Wild sweaty orgies are completely uncommon when you are on meth. There is absolutely no reason to mention wild sweaty orgies at this time.
Methamphetamine has been known to cause unsightly explosions.
[edit] Famous Meth-Heads
Some famous users of Methamphetamine include:
- Adolph Hitler
- Robin Rhys Jones
- Gwyn Mei
- Artaxerxes
- Britney Spears
- Stewie Griffin
- Philip K. Dick
- Aaron Carter
- The Olsen Twins
- Martha Stewart
- the entire state of Montana
- Kenny G
- Ayn Rand
- Jean Paul Sartre
- the Patriot Act
- the Armed Forces of Megatexas
- the Queen of England
- Hamlet
- John Kerry
- Shaggy
- Hillary Clinton
- every trailer park everywhere
- Mister Zip
- Uncyclopedia Editors
- Rufus Wainwright (But not any more, right; quit trying to bribe him with it. It won't work.)
- "The Prodigy" Michael Morris
- Andrew Schug
- Neenee
