Cuba
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| This article hates America, just like everyone else does. See more about Unamerica.
Consequently, this article lacks much or any redeeming intellectual value. However, even though no one smarter than a doorknob has added to this article, it still contains more truth than you may be able to handle. |
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| Motto: "Where just near everything is legal" | |||||
| Anthem: Row, Row, Row your boat. | |||||
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| Capital | Miami | ||||
| Largest city | Miami | ||||
| Official languages | Cubano con Barreras, Chusma, French (socialist dialect), Korean (despotist dialect), Porfavorian (money language), Mexican (Little Havana and Southrern Cuba only), Haitian and Spanglish. | ||||
| Government | Castrism. | ||||
| Empress, Generalissmo and Assholia. | Zola Mbola. | ||||
| President. | Raul Castro. | ||||
| General Secretary. | Raul Castro. | ||||
| King. | Raul Castro. | ||||
| Supreme Overlord. | Cuco. | ||||
| God. | Che Guevara and Fidel Castro. | ||||
| Ethnic groups | Chusmas, Aseres, Chamacos, Chongas, Putas and Negroes (over half the population). | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Tony Montana. Oscar Wilde, Your Mom | ||||
| Declaration of Formation | In 821AD from America? Britain? Spain? or France? | ||||
| Currency | Cigars. | ||||
| Religion | Tourism. | ||||
| Major exports | Cuban criminals, sluts, booze, cigars, palms, coconuts, more sluts, i.e. everything you can waste your fat tourist-ass money on | ||||
| Major imports | commies (from Russia). | ||||
“Without Cuba, communism as we know today would be like Mother Russia without Slavic slaves to be bringing order to the Jews. ”
~ Vladimir Lenin on Cuba
“All your base are belong to us.”
~ Fidel Castro on Cuba
“I am the richest man in the world! I have a tropical island with 11 million slaves!”
~ Fidel Castro on Himself
“Let's start by killing Castro. If we succeed, Cuba will lose its leader. If we fail, I will not be there to see it.”
~ John F. Kennedy on crazy CIA operations
“You broke my heart, Fredo.”
~ Michael Corleone on Cuba
“¡Mi muerte no significa nada!”
~ Che Guevara on Cuba
“In Soviet Russia, boat paddles YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Cubans
“Theres nothing but Cubans and Puerto Ricans on Univision”
~ Other Latinos on Cuba
“Let's start by building communism on Cuba. If we fail, America will lose its tourist base. If we succeed, we will lose America.”
~ Nikita Khrushchev on crazy communist experiments
“Let's start by getting rid of this Cold War shit. If we fail, we will get drunk. If we succeed, we will still get drunk.”
~ Fidel Castro on crazy cuban fiestas
“I want Cuba's oil”
~ George W. Bush on Cuba
República de Cuba (Spanish for Capitalist State of Cube-heads) is the 53rd state of USA located a few rowboat turns off the coast of Florida, and is the world's leading supplier of Cubans, as well as a major exporter of Cuban cigars (second only to Mexico in this area). Although USA officially claims Cuban economy as its own, Cuba is set to think otherwise, considering themselves straight lefties and always rebelling for even a slight weather change in their region.
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[edit] History
Before god created man, he had to deal with the zombies. The Island of Cuba was the first place to go. After the Exodus of all zombies to Cuba, he created John. He said to John, you may eat from this tree, but don't go to Cuba. So John went to Cuba and was immediantly eaten by the horde of undead. So God created the rifle and Adam. He said "Adam don't eat from this tree", there was nothing wrong with the tree, but Adam and Eve never went to Cuba
The Isle was discovered by Christopher Columbus in 1492. When Columbus first saw those lands, it looked like a sh**hole for him, so he named it "Cuba" which is medieval Portuguese for "feces bucket". The word "cubicle" is also derived from the same word.
The Spaniards ruled over the isle for 385 years, plus or minus the time difference. Since no one in Castilla, Leon, Navarre or Aragon wanted to move to Cuba --the greedy Spaniards could think only of the golden and silver mines in Mexico and Peru--, the Spanish Crown had to resort to Africans and Portugueses to settle the isle, which is the reason why the isle was settled by a lot of people from Galiza instead of Spaniards. Cuba would never become independent from Spain if it wasn't for the American-Spanish War in 1898. After failing as an independent country, Cuba required its admission in the federation of the United States of America but all they got was to become part of the State of Florida.
Dettached from the State of Florida by the communist revolutionary Castro in the late 1950's--yes, that's how it goes--Cuba was originally intended as a storage facility for Cubans as well as Puerto Rico's nuclear waste, the by-product of it's horribly botched attempts at creating an army of chupacabras. Over the next few years, the country was ruled peacefully and smoothly by Castro, with no resistance or conflict whatsoever. There have been absolutely no problems with trade, government, political relationships, hostile tyranny, or any other such nonsensical things. Any thought of these things will result in immediate death.
In the early 70's, Communism took full hold, enveloping the island nation in a red cloud of evil evil naughty thoughts dust. Those crazy commies believed that people could be essentially good (an idea which was disproven by Stephen Hawking) and the tangible force of communism changed the face of Cuba like a giant rolling pin. It used to be just one giant volcano island which Satan used as an evil lair, but soon Castro began using it to produce Cubans as a source of labor to produce diet pills. As the diet pill industry grew, the island lost weight until it was diminished to the size it is today. Scientists believe that by this time next year, Cuba will actually occupy negative space, creating a paradox that will end all human existence. Also, Fidel Castro invented the blowjob
[edit] Communism in Cuba
Cuba is well known for its government's ability to unleash pain and destruction upon neighboring countries. Their government falls under the 'Communist' category, and has gained their own version, being called 'Cuban Communism'. It is a simple government, but its rules may be hard to get used to, and many people have confused it, not surprisingly, with a Satanist cult. They are as follows:
- Personal Developement
This rule bans any personal developement. All citizens of Cuba are accepted and remain at the social status of 'hobo'. Interestingly, some people have noticed that the people have better positions are more unhappy, and people with worse positions in society are less so, but there are really only two statuses in Cuban Communism: Government, and hobo.
- Government Superiority
This rule separates the weak from the much, much, weaker. A Government worker, which can be compared with the Pope (only he uses his power for undeniable evil), has two things which are considered very important: A life, and fifty bucks. The weaker option, the hobo, has neither of these things, and are therefore devoid of everything.
- Tyrant Superiority
The head of the Government (which can be compared with God+Jesus+Holy+Spirit+bible+large amounts of money) has one more thing which cannot be obtained by either hobos or Government workers: whatever-tangible or intangible-the hell he wants. This means cuba has roughly one square metre of land which is allowed to be inhabited by inhabitants, and the remaining five square metres (there are also another few hundred kilometres, but those are taken up by the Tyrant's house) are covered with slaves and stuff the slaves are there to bring to the Tyrant's house.Translation:THIS SUCKS
[edit] Geography
(No, this is not the Puerto Rican flag!)
Please note that there was a breif stint in 1959 where the rubix cube was the entire Cuban flag. Simply a rubin's cube with a cigar leaf wrapped around it, hanging from poles and over tall cubans. This was done until a Scathing letter with large words such as "infringment" was written to the señor president.
Cuba is the only country in the world that is a perfect cube, 'Cuba' is actually the cubist word for 'cube'. Unlike the Russian Ocean, which is often known to partake in philosophical debates. Because the terrain is perfectly flat, Cuba remains the only country in the world where the Glorious Spherical Cow can be reared. It's meat is known as 'el deliciossimo' and has been known to cause supper powers.
Cuba is 90 miles away from any point in the continental United States, thus the reason for why the Cuban Missile Crisis was such a crisis. Due to its short distance from the States, Cuba is the easiest Communist country to escape to America from. Because of this, Cuba has a highly vigorous black-market boat-building economy, which is highly ingenous in using things which aren't meant to float as parts for boats. Due to the level of Cuba boat craftsmanship, there is a policy in US emmigration that any boat-builder who can make a boat and sail it to the US is free to become a US citizen. THousands of Cuban boat-builders have used this loophole to become US citizens, and now they dominate the Florida boat-building industry.
[edit] Nukes
If you attack (our) Cuba (you) will be hit with 16 warheads, and after (we) will send a giant version of Gloria Estefan To Destroy (your) pitiful Country. !Muerte a America! Yankees go home! Get whitey! USA die! No mo' Gringos!
Direct Translation:
Please do not attack our homeland, for we will be too afraid to do anything about it, and will be forced to run away and take cover in one of the many potholes on our mountainous streets. As well as kill cats and horses for food. !Prosper for America! We are desperate for tourists! We are starving! USA is really our only hope! Damn blockade! Gringos!
[edit] People
Cuba is inhabited by Cubans. If you are white, you are probably not a Cuban. If you are black, you are probably not a Cuban. If you are brown, you are probably not a Cuban. If you are rojo, you are probably a Cuban. Really, no one knows. Females are highly regarded for their junk-in-the-trunk. Which, like the 1970's Volkswagen beetle, is in the front. Males are just around to play baseball and sip espresso. Cubans are broken up into two group: Western Cubans (from Havana) and Eastern Cubans (from Oriente). They are easily distinguishable by the color beans they eat as well as the type of prostitutes they export. The West cooks with black beans and exports the loud, obnoxious, slightly fast paced prostitute (usually exported to Miami and California), while the East cooks with red beans and exports the slightly less obnoxious, less physically appealing version (exported to Germany and Texas.) Other differences also include what word is used for the faucet, and eye length.
[edit] Famous Cubans
Cuba's most prominent citizen, Robert Downey Jr., won an Oscar for his role as Tom Cruise's lover in the blockbuster sci-fi animated porn movie "Tom, Jerry and Lizzie Maguire". Monica Lewinsky was made an honorary Cuban after undergoing secret initiation ceremonies by Bill Clinton in the Oval Office in the mid 1990s.
Ernő Rubik is the most famous social scientist in the history of the country. His singular crowd control device is displayed proudly on the flag of the country. Known as the Rubik's Cube, it is famed for its inate ability to redirect dangerous intellectuals into pursuing solutions to neverending and simplistic puzzles. The same twisting technique used on the Rubik's Cube is applied to the handling of inmate gonads at Cuba's prisons. Other inventions often attributed to Rubik include Go, lust, and cooking.
Dezi Arnez and his twin brother, Ricky Ricardo were famous Cubans, until the 1961 Bay of Pigs icident, in which the twin brothers used their connections with the CIA to air-drop armed pigs and warthogs into Cuba in an attempt to overthrow the Castro government. However, the move was a resounding failure for the CIA, and a great bonus for the Cuban people, as the invading pigs were soon slaughtered and used to feed the Cuban people. In Cuba, the term "when pigs fly" means someone just got a whole bunch of food dropped on them, and they want to have a party. In retribution for the Bay of Pigs invasion, Castro called up John F. Kennedy and had "I Love Lucy" cancelled.
As a people, common Cubans are known for having the most up-to-date cars (of the Eisenhower Era). Examples abound, such as the 1956 Packard, the 1957 Studebaker, and the 1959 Edsel.
[edit] Economy
A textbook example of free-market economy, Cuba has the world's lowest levels of Education and Health. Remarkably, there are a lot of homelessness and unemployment in Cuba, thanks to the strong Invisible Hand of the Free Market as postulated by economist Leit Kynes. With the support of George W. Bush, Cuba has led the way in many Capitalist initiatives.
The popular Cuban comedian/satirist, Latoya Jackson, saved thousands of bums in Cuba by telling them all to "show me the money".
Cuba's greatest export, the political refugee, also helps the Cuba boat-building economy in Cuba. Cuban boat-builders are the most ingenious boat-builders in the world, creating boats out of things that should not float, like concrete and old 1950's vehicles, as well as recycled roofing and plastic milk jugs.Cuban militants are also trying to increase their wealth by selling "hardly used" military equipment to scandinavia. So far militants have only lost a fortune, because of the extremely high travel costs of the guys they have sent to claim delayed payments. scandinavian costumers have also complained about poor quality of the equipment they have received and number of costumers has dropped sharply recently. This may also be because of the delayed payment claiming methods of which only a few have survived.
[edit] Language
The most popular language in Cuba is Cubist. First created by Picasso in 1930, Cubist became the official language of Cuba in 1934. Until that time Cuba had no official language, making everyday conversation impossible. Cubans relied on semaphore, smoke signals and complex foot and hand gestures. It was also considered acceptable to attack random people in the streets while dressed as Al Gore until somebody would give you what you needed(money). Thanks to the invention of Cubist, people were now able to communicate by simply stabbing each other with shivs.
20 years later, in 1437, Cubism officially replaced Cubist as the nation's officially official language. Cubism is currently studied and appreciated in thirty-six states as well as fourteen European Countries. Including Japan.
[edit] Famous Cubans List
- Cuba Gooding Jr.
- El grande generalissimo, jefe del entero mundo, hijo de la gran puta, el esplendido y cargando una bolsa de mierda en el costado, el bastardo de los bastardos,nada mas ni nada menos que la escoria de Fidel Castro
- Elian Gonzales
- Ricky Ricardo
- Lucy Ricardo
- Angel David Martinez
- Desi Arnaz
- Ana la jinetera
- Robert DeNiro
- Girl from Chongalicious video
- Chipolino (True poker grinder and trader of fine donkey meat obv) a.k.a. Chipolucho
- Illar Pratt
- Los Estupidos
- Los Mamaguevos
- Juana la de la esquina
[edit] Guantanamo Bay (World)
The land constituting Guantanamo Bay was originally purchased to expand the Orlando, Florida based Theme park business. The commonly undertood business plan was to create a place more exciting than space by using cybernetics and virtual reality. The aim of this was to detract from the hubbub surrounding the Apollo Space Program, and steal all demand for advertising air time. Unfortunately, Camelot theme park of England, UK posed a great threat to the project and with its olde world attractions, and 'authentic' jousting it crushed any opposition. The project was a huge failure losing money at a rate of lots.p.a. However the United States Department of Defence decided to purchase the lemon in 2078 and then transport it back in time via technology originally produced in Area 51 by Arnold Schwarzenegger. The United States then converted the Theme Park into a US Naval Base (This involved changing the sign and adding live ammunition to the attractions).
Unfortunately some scandalous information has arisin from Guantanamo Bay such as the detainment of clowns within the park, and the use of torture methods including playing Slipknot and continuous Bid-up.tv. Despite this the park retains a good relationship with the adjacent country of cuba, and enjoys many 10s of visitors each year.
[edit] See also
[edit] Fun Facts
- Smoking Law - Being the wise and benevolent leader, Fidel(the kids rappist)Castro bucked world trend in banning smoking in public places. Instead, a new law enacted (Decree S466BD7K)on 3rd May 2002 made it ILLEGAL NOT TO SMOKE IN PUBLIC.
"Smoking of tobacco product must be practised when a citizen or visitor is in a public area unless permission not to do so is given by an authorised trained physician. Failure to do so will result in corporal punishment of 49 lashes to the offender's naked ass in a public arena chose by the magistra of authority" - Excerpt from Decree S466BD7K
[edit] Did you know?
Did you know that Leftists believe despite being a tiny little island, Cuba still has a better health service than the US even though there is no medicine and all hospitals provide pre-soiled bedsheets?
