Cult of the Golden Orb
“This is the religion that will make the scientologists go "that is WACK!" ”
We are the Cult of the Golden Orb†. Our master teaches us that every Tuesday at 2:30PM EST, we are to hold a medium-sized red-hot chili pepper between our buttocks for 19 hours, and repeat the sacred mantra "giddy up, horsey" 51 times. Then, per our instructions, we put on our sandpaper pants, and get in the "plastic punishment room". We ask each other the holy question: "Are you the lemon?" "No!" "Are you the lemon?" "No!" "Are you the lemon?" "No!" This can go on for weeks or months.
Finally, someone says, "I think I am the lemon." They are slapped across the face, stripped naked, and fitted with a “Sacred Diaper” made of pudding skins and duct tape. They wear wax lips and hum the theme to Hawaii 5-0" 47 times. They straddle a chicken, a small chimpanzee is attached to their back, they are fitted with a harness and hoisted 100 ft in the air; they are then lowered slowly into a giant vat of lukewarm chocolate pudding, while the other church members grab hands and repeat the sacred prayer, "Squatting monkeys tell no lies."†
In addition, the CGO holds a ceremony every Saturday, this one at 3:45AM EST, where all Disciples come to the Outdoor Picnic of Sanctity dressed as giant pieces of Toast with tiny headphone jacks in their arm pits††. Then, after a very serious tournament of “Connect Four”, everyone stands in a perfectly straight line and waits for their turn to be pretend-tasered by the master. If the one who has been randomly chosen to hold the title of "Daddy Long Legs" for the day decides that your dramatization of being tasered was not up to par, then you must climb the Jungle Gym of Terror and label CDs for an hour, while drinking copious amounts of unsweetened apple juice.
After everyone has finished either their punishment or their performance and the master is satisfied, each senior member puts on a curly gray wig. One of the wigs is filled with Jell-O, and is marked with the sacred letter 'B' in silver sharpie. The one who wears the Jell-O wig must lead the tomato-chopping ceremony and choose what movie the group will watch while popping the mountain of bubble wrap. He or she usually picks the first Indiana Jones movie. Any movement besides bubble popping or talking during the movie is punishable by banana torture.
Monday 3 weeks before the 17th holiday after Boxing Day(as recognized in Canada)
Finally, on the Monday three weeks before the 17th holiday after Boxing Day (as recognized in Canada), the group holds a sacred ritual in which they use zucchini, a Q-tip, and a yo-yo to uphold the punishment for the congregation member who showed up last to the Christmas party. The punishment entails the person guilty of the heinous crime putting on an orange, gossamer bunny suit and entering the “Mausoleum of the Arbiter” (literally, “Crypt of the Style Guru”), which is appropriately filled from floor to ceiling with outdated secondary school textbooks. Here, he or she writes a 49 page essay about the advantages of incandescent light bulbs, utilizing the legendary Great Lard Pen and senior Disciples' second-hand Kleenex, while continuously gulping down decaffeinated blue tape. They also must fraudulently sign petitions opposing the torture of leaf-cutter ants at least 34 times, as well as establish a disingenuous sponsorship for a Romanian Little League baseball team.
Immediately following is a refreshing, full-body sluice with paper mache and balls of caterpillar legs. Then he or she receives the Authentic Pickle Beating of Sacrilege and subsequently indulges in The Sacred Mayonnaise Misting (Miracle Whip is not an option), until covered in a sauce fit for a hybrid hotdog-submarine sammich. Such practices help keep the most popular national pastimes fundamentally ingrained in a Disciple’s way of life. Some overachieving Disciples will further their familiarity with national pastimes by engaging in the disarmament of nuclear warheads, often with those who do such things daily, like gnomes.
The head Disciples- who congregate regularly in small groups called “gaggles” to giggle about goggles and discuss laser pointers and moose physiology- shall bind the reprobate to an unbalanced chair using 57 cubic nanometers of Kevlar, 2 millimeters of string, and 14 dead AAA Energizer batteries. Once restrained, they shall have Lil Wayne', wearing nothing but blue lipstick, handcuffs, and an edible mushroom thong (which is all too revealing), use a pair of sharpened chopsticks to meticulously apportion the pickle-mayo dip into 4 oz. plastic containers (a process that usually takes around 13 hours, since he is perpetually high, and will get distracted at the Canadian National Zoo’s panda exhibit). He will then have a leper use its tongue to Cleanse the offender of any remaining sauce. Following that, a thorough cavity search will be conducted to verify exemplary Cleansing.
Afterwards, Bret Michaels", who will don a Dracula-esque gnome get-up (complete with cape, fangs, deerskin boots, lederhosen, and conical red hat), shall nibble on the offender’s left ear for 3 hours and 22 minutes while stuffing his or her mouth with frozen marshmallows covered in pepper and lime glaze. Lastly, the perpetrator must endure a horde of vengeful armadillos§ attempting to put un-tested cosmetic products on his or her face while they are being pelted with unripe grapefruits by a swarm of not-so-well-fed Asian babies, which were “borrowed” from Chinese Hillside Industries, Unincorporated® ("borrowed" because they were done so without permission from said Uncorporation, and with no intentions of returning the cute emaciated corpses).
NOTE: If you find this religion, its Disciples, or its customs to be excessively sadistic, you shall be deemed a conspirator of heterodoxy and shall be subjected to the multitude of torturous rituals illustrated above, regardless of whether or not you are guilty of any implied religious offenses.
†The CGO is derived from a stand-up routine belonging to Dana Carvey. Prices and participation may vary. Not available in all states. Continental US and Canada orders only, postage paid. Taxes not included.
This religion not yet rated. No prostitution required. Prices,regulations, and gender are subject to change without notice.
††The CGO is not liable for any lost or stolen luggage, body parts, or carpets. Please bitch to somebody who cares.
'Cash Money© and Young Money© are the property of Lil Wayne and his affiliates. Any reproduction of the depictions of forced copulation between dogs and camels is prohibited by law in southern Rhode Island and parts of Antarctica and Greenland, but encouraged throughout the rest of the globe, where people actually live.
"Bret Michaels is liable for any venereal diseases contracted from direct physical contact with Bret Michaels, so please feed him to the exclusively cannibalistic llamas. They will in fact eat him...and now you know why.
§ Arm adillos were purchased from Korean Anti-PETA Outdustries. No animals were not unharmed during the included parts of this diminutive portrayal of the CGO and its inner workings.