Culture of Malaysia
- DISCLAIMER: Uncyclopedia is not responsible for the detention of any people who read this article under the ISA execpt Datuk Ahmad Ismail.
The national culture of Malaysia is Food. National Holidays include the Rice Festival, the Cake Festival, the Noodle Festival, Moon Cake Festival and the Food Festival. Malaysians completely WORSHIP food. They pray to their food. They can drive 35465464 miles for the best food. And when they feel guilty, they will visit Fitness First to lose weight, so that they can eat more food. Fitness First members like to flex around and do ridiculous exercise all over the place even they are outside of Fitness First to show their semi-built up muscles. Malaysians are
compelled forced to eat smatijoves at least twice a day at 11am and 11pm on the hour as a very strict tradition. Not doing so means a curse is placed on them and awful things happen to their families. Apparently. Nasi Lemak, Roti Canai and Teh Tarik makes Malaysia the second largest obese nation after the USA.
- 1 Red Tape/Protect Me Culture
- 2 Pop Culture
- 3 Arabian Culture
- 4 Ah Long Culture
- 5 Landfill Culture
- 6 Home Designer Culture
- 7 Zakarian Culture
- 8 Blog culture invasion
- 9 Skinhead Culture
- 10 Malay Culture
- 11 Chinese Culture
- 12 Indian Culture
- 13 Indonesian Culture, or Claimed Culture
- 14 National Culture Facts
Red Tape/Protect Me Culture
Red Tape Culture (RTC) is compulsory in Malaysia due to Malays' (mostly) lack of competency in economic matters and also to 'protect them'. The Malays rely mostly on the government and all the staff in governmental departments (holding top positions) expect 'coffee money' (bribes) from non-Malays, otherwise they won't give approval to any public applications or permits. The authorities (Malay), however, think it is perfectly fine to accept coffee money and they hate anyone who mentions the words 'corruption' or 'anti-corruption'. They will label you an 'extremist' or tell you to 'Get out of this country' if you disagree. Most of the companies they run cannot survive in a free market/globalised economy (see: Proton Cars) and if you read the news, they are the ones who are constantly opposed to Free Trade Agreements (FTA) because they know with their level of incompetence, they will surely go out of business if FTAs are signed.
Non-Malays also have their way of utlising red tape. After non-Malays gathered for the NON-Malays extravaganza gatherings held in Negeri Atas Awan guling hosted by DragonBallz, they agreed that all business owners must put one mandatory specification before being enrolled as an employee in their company, be it a multi-national business conglomerate specalising in the import/export of products or a small ikan bilis Ah Long business. They must employ employees that speak Mandarin as their mothertongue. That way, the money they gain cannot be snowballed to Malays or the Kadadzan or the Minangkabau or even Indonesians.
Even if a Malay applying can speak Mandarin (having enrolled in the chinese school di atas awan guling), they are still prevented from getting the job because they are Muslim. So they made an amendment in their regulation: They must not be a Muslim believer, must eat pork, must drink liquor and ultimately, they must drop BIN or BINTI from their names.
There is also a weird trend popular amongst Malaysian youth (Now believed to have spread to Malaysians from ALL walks of life) in which they will try to imitate the Western way of life, with humorous results. They will also try to live according to what they think is culture of their Western counterparts, which goes to show that they are a sad, sad bunch of pathetic try-hards. When Americans come up with Green Day, Malaysians go around singing American Idiot, acting like they know what the song is about. When Americans have America Idol, Malaysias also have Idol. Only victims of tone deafness or Michael Jackson wannabes need apply. The government has recently waged war on the Black Metal "menace". The kids just want a Hot Topic in KLCC, that's all. Most Malaysians deem white people as 'extra special' and will worship any white person 5 times a day. The only people who can make it big in the music/fashion/TV industry are those with strange heritage. Malaysian+English+Portuguese+Burmese. Like: Paula Malai Ali, Adam Carruthers, Marion Caunter. Mawi doesn't count because he is our national hero. So if you are a white person who is disliked for being a geek or a loser, just move to Malaysia and you will gain instant fame.
- Another obvious weird culture is the Malays try to imitate the dress-up of Arabians, they don't want to dress Malay, they will also try to live according to what they think is Arabian culture. Sometimes the government will scold them for blindly imitating the Arab culture, sometimes they were scolded by for not imitating the Arabian dress up and cultures (Yes the government LOVE confusing us, and it's their job, because they receive our income tax for doing this).
Ah Long Culture
Easy fix for gamblers who lost all his money. Ask along, and along will give to maximum loan than you & 7 other generation can afford. If failed to pay, your house will be decorated with Huge X mark with a handful of flashing bloody red paint to scare satan away. Therefore satan will not take money from owners house ever again. The most famous Ah Long in Malaysia is Ah Long from Bukit Beruntung.
Landfill Culture is widely practiced by Malaysian regardless of race. Only certain districts in this country are clean: KLCC, Putrajaya (the Parliment House), Kiara heights and Bangsar & Damansara heights (Big-Wigs' districts). The rest of Malaysia is full of rubbish and pollutions. Malaysians love to burn everything including the hair on their back and the kitchen sink. In Malaysia, it is compulsory to throw rubbish at roadside or throw into drains. If not, you will be punished in the form of a public stoning (rather severe punishment, really) and 'Dilarang Membuang Sampah' means 'You're welcome to chuck your rubbish here anyhow you like'.
Home Designer Culture
In Malaysia, the home designere culture is based on the concept of "face" and its loss. For example, a neighbour builds a new Greco-Roman balcony. The person in question responds by hiring a group of Indonesian workers to build an equally-imposing structure in their own back yards. Two huge, symmetric columns with gold, blue, light blue, light pink, light orange etc. paint, a hugh "curly-curly" automatic gate, a Japanese pond with gargantuan man-made waterfalls, a Disneyland-themed rooftop, a Louvre-style window and numerous alarms to stop the ubiquitous miscreant from vandalising the place.
Invariably, after a short while, the neighbour realises his loss of face resulting from his now-inferior back yard. He then extends and expands his Greco-Roman balcony in turn with the construction of TWO ponds, TWO waterfalls, extremely-curled golden gates and so on and so forth. While the extensive renovations are taking place, they make it a point to boast about their childrens' school results, which may or may not be total fabrications, just for good measure.
Of course, there is a tacit understanding that approval is not needed for these renovations. While it may cost RM5000-RM10000 (bribes included) to extend the back yard, kitchen etc., an approval (or lack thereof) can be resolved with a few hundred ringgit if the local officer comes knocking.
Zakarian Culture is the latest trendy outlaw version of the Home Designer Culture introduced and invented by 'big peoples'. This culture is no small issue, now sultan is involved and Pak Lah as well and then there was a top minister claimed that the culture involved too many temples and factories so and so that it was too big to handle. So the best way to actually get out of deep shit is to cry on television. That way people will start saying "Awwww poor thing, let him go already". It probably worked as all he got was a slap on the wrist and nothing more.
Blog culture invasion
Recently, blogs have been popping out left, right and center, and exposing the idiocy, corruption and incompetence of the government. Good examples of these independent news outlets are Malaysia Today and Malaysia Kini. In response, the government is now trying to censor the bloggers but fail because they are too stupid to realize that the internet is one of the need of Malaysians' life. Now their blog culture is becoming so wild that they are now bullying and teasing their dirty little neighbor Indonesia, just because their neighbor told them to claim their culture. More information, please find some of their neighbor's blog about teasing them back in the internet, or see claimed culture part, ok???? GOOD BOY!!! YOU SMART, PINTER!!!
DID YOU KNOW??: Thousands of these blog can make a war just because its offending each other???
Yes, you heard me correctly. Malaysians are some of the most confused people in the world. These are kids no more than 18yrs old dressing up like they belong in the SS. They shave their heads, wear those stormtrooper boots and have swastikas tattooed on them... sounds like your average white supremacist right? yeah right... except that these kids are MALAYS. The most important component in being a skinhead is being WHITE, but the concept seem to be lost in translation. These kids they burn the Qu'ran and during Merdeka they run around KL (a few hundred of them) robbing, looting, stealing, raping, beating, sucking, fucking up the city... so much for independence. What could cause such phenomenon? Answer: Idiotic mindset among malays that can't see foreign culture. Semua mau ikut!
Malays are commonly known as village dwellers relying on the government for support and lulz. This is not true. They are retarded ass holes creating hate by any possible means. Malays are associated with the "3R"s.(Rempit, Rompak, Rogol). Rempit, which is illegal street racing on a motorcycle, a retarded thing invented by the Malays after getting bored of raping their daughters. Rogol or rape, Malays are well known for their inability to handle sexual urges and must rape whenever and wherever possible, raping daughters and aunts. Rompak or robbery, also a well known culture practised by the Malays, robbing anything anywhere from banks to old ladies.
Sure all of you wonder why the malays will associate with the "3R"s. So they think Rempit it's a wise thing to do, because they can show off they are not fear of death and malays can race even at the midnight. Rogol, it's so clever because they can have the joy of having sex without paying, and also they are bored of raping own relatives or daughters. Rompak, the most easy way to be rich in a short time. And malays are known as lazy bums, got such a good way to get rich, why don't do it?
I am your master, agree with everything i say or I'll rape your daughter!
[[Najis Razak - a fine example]]
Khairy Jamaluddin with a bunch of Mat Rempit
Malay chatspeak has become a language of its own.
"i x tau cam mne nk ckp cam tuh :3" -
Saya tak tahu macam mana nak cakap macam itu *cute smiley*.
"lor ko x tau cite ker..
ary sabtu ary tu..
kiteorg ade lawan bola antare bilik..
time maen bola die okey jer..
abis maen jer tibe2 die ckp die sesak napas..
ingatkn semput biase jer
urut2 la dada die..
pasti die ckp die x tahan da..
on the way g hospital die da x der..
soday gak ar.." -
/lor/ kau tak tau cerita ke
hari sabtu hari itu
kita orang ada lawan bola antara bilik
time(english, duh) main bola dia okay saja
habis main saja tiba tiba dia cakap dia sesak nafas
ingatkan semput(out of breath) biasa saja
urut urut la dada dia
pasti dia cakap dia tak tahan dah
on the way pergi hospital dia dah tak ada
sedih juga ah"
Credits to a friend for translating the 2nd part of it.
It is a mixture or Malay, English, and many abbreviations, in other words... incomprehensible.
It is in the Malay culture to go against anything un-Malay e.g. smart.
Malaysia getting freaks they think they've developed countries commensurate with japan, usa, england and france, they have really forgot himself and very arrogant
Chinese are said to be money hugging scrooges. Most of chinese do a lot of things to gain money such as robbing, stealing, cheating, selling drugs and many more. However Chinese does not like to get involved in anything that does not involve money. In other words, money is culture, culture is money.
Your money is my money, my money is my money!.
Some Chinese Money-hogger
I love m0ney!
Some random chinese
Playing with my money is like playing with my emotions
Lalaism and Chinese
But recently, there has been a rising number Chinese girls and boys(of Secondary school ages) who become 'lala'.
Apparently it is a widespread and rampant condition, similar to the black plague.
It is easy to distinguish these people upon sight... but it is rather challenging to describe them with words alone. Lala-ism is quite horrible and may cause permanent mental and ocular damage to the uninitiated (or just have common sense and style)as it borrows heavily from Japanese harajuku and Korean popstars but doesnt look anywhere as cool. If you are a lala male, you must join gang and walk around like big taiko but ignore when people pass by you and start laughing, starve yourself so become damn fucking skinny, pierce ear several times, wear shirt with damn pink design or slogan with bad enggeris, and when you fail SPM you must make sure you dye your hair at least 10 different colors so there!
One of the common symptoms are the urge of cam-whoring. This is done with one or more girls posing in some "cute" manner, often from a 45 degree angle to make their eyes looks bigger, and the classical bunny ears. They also wear colours you are not supposed to mix (if fashion police go to Sungai Wang for duit kopi can come out trillionaire), wear hand socks in fucking 50 degree heat, wear leggings (pink or purple to shock people), also t-shirt with stupid slogans, and finally must date only skinny lala guys because they got money to buy the fucking expensive lala clothes (the money comes from selling drugs for gang la, where else...).
Not much is known about the Indians as they work 24/7 in 24 hour mamak stalls or having a non challenging career such as petrol attendant or newspaper delivery man or rubber tapper...some are extremely amitious as they try to take over corpoate world (example: Ananda krishnan,Tony Fernandez etc). The only culture that is visible to the public is that they like to drink a lot & party(Bangsar). They are also known as professional dog kidnappers. They have been claimed to possess nukes and weapons of mass destruction, waiting to be unleashed at UMNO for marginalising them.
funny that AK and Tony are the 2 most famous name in the The Malaysian Business nowdays, Tony sold his life and bought Air Asia with RM1 when they were in hundreds of millions in debt, i wonder how many chinese work for him and Tony now
DOES THE MALAYSIAN GOVERNMENT KNOW ABT THIS??? i dont see or ever heard any actions regarding this site??? -NEZ-
they know lah.. but no one to throw to Kamunting n be famous stupid NEZ...
Indonesian Culture, or Claimed Culture
The extremist indonesian youth are so immature to accuse Malaysia of "stealing" their culture. This is why Malaysia can go burn in hell. It is also one reason why Malaysia (crap shit country) is called Malingshit, shit of thieves, direct translation.
National Culture Facts
NATIONAL EXCUSE for HAIR LOSS: Maggi Mee.
NATIONAL EXCUSE for being LATE: Traffic Jam.
NATIONAL CONDOM: None. Most Malaysians still feel embarrassed buying condoms. So they rush into a 7-11, hurriedly grab the nearest pack, any pack, pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an eye.... and later realize they took from the peanuts shelf.
NATIONAL FRUIT for inducing MENSTRUATION: Pineapple and Cu-cum-ber (Cucumber)
NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK: Air Bandung. Many swear by it. But after a few pints they start swearing at everything...
NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS for GETTING MC(MEN): Food poisoning.
NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS for GETTING MC(WOMEN): Menstrual Pain
NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN by WOMEN when REFUSING SEX: Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep, mother-in-law around, early appointment, period, haven't removed make-up, haven't had a shower, no water supply, going to watch "Desperate Housewives", depressed, no mood, etc...
NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN by MEN when REFUSING SEX: None. Malaysian men never refuse sex.
NATIONAL CURE for HEADACHES: Panadol. The "cure for all." If it fails we have another secret weapon; Tiger Balm.
NATIONAL CURE for DIZZINESS: Minyak Angin Cap Kapak.
NATIONAL CAUSE for DIZZINESS (for YUPPIES): Happy Hours.
NATIONAL INSTANT CURE for DIZZINESS (Dedicated for YUPPIES): The sight of a police roadblock.
NATIONAL WORKING HOURS: 10.30am - 12.30am, 3pm-5pm (go see government office to see for yourself)
NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP: Anywhere, as long as it is not your house.
NATIONAL most MIS-PRONOUNCED NAME: Carrefour. Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4! On second thought, why bother pronouncing silly French names like Peugeot, Renault or Citroen correctly. I think it sounds better when the local mechanics say "Pew Jeot." When I was in school, Milo was always 'MeeLo.' Now that I'm sophisticated, I say "My Lo." So don't be embarrassed saying "Carry 4" when the Mat Sallehs shamelessly pronounce orang utan as "orangootan."
NATIONAL ROADSIDE DISTRACTION: The Bra-less Tourist. See how heads turn and traffic slows down when a bra-less Mat Salleh backpacker goes "bouncing" about on the streets.
NATIONAL Favorite Day : Holiday & Pay Day
NATIONAL SPORT : DOTA , SKODENG, TIKAM
NATIONAL Football Team : Pasukan Harimau Tua Tidak Bergigi
NATIONAL Cars : Plotonk, PERADUA( Perusahaan Automobilsilalurosak Dua Roda)
NATIONAL movies : Kehidupan Seorang Pramugara yang suka Melampau , KL Menangis ,Rempit mati dilanggar apek Cina
NATIONAL searches on Yahoo and Google : Sex Melayu, Melayu tudung bogel, skodeng amoi, Melayu tembam, kongkek cikgu