Cumbernauld
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[edit] About the Town
Cumbernauld, also known as Cumberdump has a population of over three million. It is a sprawling industrious settlement world-renowned for its considerable commercial exports, most commonly sweaty gym-socks, latex based sex toys and Spice Girls compact discs. Situated in the remote island of Scotland the Cumbernauld settlement was constructed around the eighteen-hundreds, when the people of Glasgow decided to exile every criminal, transvestite, retard, and Jew to the neighbouring fields. Although this exodus proceeded smoothly, the now homeless Cumbernauldians-to-be had no way of amusing themselves. Naturally, they turned to the ancient Scottish art of fornication with the local wildlife. The pastime grew in popularity and thus, two hundred years after people began to habit the area, the town was officially declared, coinciding with the opening of the first Sexually Transmitted Disease clinic.
Known for its streets upon streets of badly dressed female-impersonating prostitutes, Cumbernauld's gay culture is by far the largest in Scotland, possibly rivalling the level of faggotry observed in locations throughout the United Kingdom such as Cocks, Bald Balls or even Hull. Winner of the 'Most Prestigious FAGBALLS Award' for three years consecutively, the unparalleled LGBT community is sure to greet all with open hands and fresh semen.
Colloquially renowned as a 'capitalists dream', the two rich streets in Cumbernauld (which encompass people so wealthy, the very streets are paved with a high-quality mixture of lead, excrement from the local wildlife, and melted Spice Girls CDs) cater to only the finest three-bedroomed homes, complete with central heating and indoor plumbing. Guarded ruthlessly by armed professionals, the fat balls of slime who take up residence on these streets are both feared and hated by other Cumbernauldians, too poor to buy through government-subsidised one bedroom apartments on the shitty parts of town.
The town is filled with pollution and smog, due mostly to the high concentration of refinery plants, which work tirelessly to convert the gargantuan piles of Spice Girls CDs and Whoopi Goldberg porn dumped here early on in the spring of 1994 to useful products, such as Play-Doh, dildos and Pedigree Chum.
Cumbernauld is unique in that it has a total of three 24hour supermarkets. There is Tesco Craigmarloch, Tesco Extra and Asda at the town centre. This sustainability is down to many of Cumbernauld's residents being afraid to come out in the daylight for fear of being mugged, and fancy their chances dodging scuzzers in the cover of darkness and when it is quieter once the off sales have all closed.
Other popular shopping locations include 'Top Glass' down the Village, which is probably the best off-license in Scotland. Not so much for its selection, but rather for the fact that they'll deliver, and it's entirely possible to buy Merrydown at the back of ten in the morning, when you really should be in school.
In Cumbernauld it is entirely legal to defecate on the road, on handrails and on the ceiling. It is not advised that you go into the public toilets in the town centre as they are frequented by pathetic drunken, foul Neds, who are known to use Glory Holes as drinking fountains.
[edit] Sightseeing
The most iconic buildings in the town are the new space age Farmfoods and the brand new Antonine Centre. The Antonine Centre building is comparable in size and design to NASA's shuttle assembly building and in the right weather conditions it can actually rain indoors. As it happens there are more spacemen walking around Cumbernauld than the NASA facility.
Other notable places to visit include Cumbernauld Park, which doubles up as an olympic standard sledging venue for 3 days of the year and Dullatur where such footballing superstars as Vinny Moore and Stephen Pressley have resided.
Locally known as "The Fields", Cumbernauld Park is the former grounds of Cumbernauld House and were used as allotments during the war (WWII). Directly some 300m infront of the house is a "ha-ha", a man-made walled drop such that cows/sheep/lamas could be driven to market in the village without imposing on the vista of those dwelling in the house. Cumbernauld House was mistakenly purchased by property developers in 1997; they had thought it an excellent location for luxury flats. The most impressive part of the park is the Glen and 'Silent Wood' where there is the Doocot [can someone explain the chicken heads?].
The name "Cumbernauld", or "Cumber-nan-Alt" in Gaelic, means "the parting/meeting of the waters", this is due to the Red Burn which flows through The Glen meandering toward the West Coast and the "pipey", a meter wide sewage pipe, which flows toward the East and after Edinburgh the North Sea.
On the topic of Football, Broadwood Stadium is a must, especially on Fireworks night where a five figure sum of NLC's budget literally goes up in smoke over a picturesque man made lake.
And who could forget the old town centre, where if you are a resident you can instantly recapture your childhood by running fast down one of the many ramps and stamping your feet hard to make as much noise as you can. For outsiders, doing the same will be the closest you will get to experiencing life growing up in Cumbernauld.
[edit] Culture
In Cumbernauld it is common for youths who are so young even Moriarty's will not serve them drink, to stand about in groups of 20-30 and drink alcohol. The drink of choice is 1.5 litre bottle of Lambrini for the girls and a bottle of Buckfast for guys. This invariably results in groups wandering into other areas of the town, where corresponding groups initiate gang fighting.
Notable gangs in history of Cumbernauld are the AUG (Abronhill Urban Guerillas) and the GYT who were not the most feared in the early 90's. Shabby imitations such as the YHM (Young Hi-end Mafia from Eastfield) and the imaginatively titled and designer label stealing YSL (Young Seafar Lemo) were generally made up of mummies boys acting hard. Then Theres ( YCT ) which are a bunch of dafties.
- Edited section... please allow....
Back in the day when the Lemo were the main team in The Nauld. We fough wi any cunt. Ah remember some beltin full on barnies. The Kildrum Rebels were a feared mob led aff by Davy Conner and a few other mad cunts e.g. Straus, Tommy etc. The Banknock Bing was full of game cunts anaw and there was a time we were battling aw the time. McGrandles led them aff. Ah remember we almost got caught by the Bing in the middle of their territory, but we still went right ahead. I stabbed a Bing guy called Jim Heany that nigtht. Ah remember during the Cumbernauld Carnival at Castlecary me and Gerry McKinhill having a square go in the no-mans land between both teams. Luckily for me my mate Big Tam Rhynmer flung a brick and clobbered McKinhill on the napper otherwise he would have killed me. McKinhill was a good fighter and would have f.... destroyed me. Years after that he and I jumped about together and he fancied my sister. Ah remember the stabbing's and gang fights. Ah left The Nauld aged 17 to avoid getting jailed or getting seriously done in. Not long after I left I heard of guys I knew gettng properly tanned e.g. murdered. Last time I was up I heard the Gerry Conner amongst others was murdered. Also I met an old mate called Fritz who was not long out after doing 16 years. I think he may be dead now....**
Dear Mr article writer.... I really enjoyed your article. Your humour is as cutting as a samarai sword. Full on mate adn well done.......
Nowadays, Abronhill is the hub of all of Cumbernauld's true hard men. Slowly but surely they are taking each other out which is good news for anyone who isn't within armshot of their friend doing an impersonation of Highlander movie's Connor MacLeod.
Cumbernauld remains part of the Buckfast Triangle, which also includes nearby Moodiesburn and Coatbridge.
[edit] Entertainment
Up The Spar in Abronhill. There are a ton of pubs in Cumbernauld. Some of which you might actually want to drink in, then there are others like The Kestrel, The Red Comyn, The Jack Snipe, The Maltings, The Woodcutter, and the list goes on. The newest pub in Cumbernauld is 'Mortimer's', where the old Farmfoods used to be. To be honest, the atmosphere in Farmfoods was better. The clientèle consists mainly of people who have been barred from the other pubs in Cumbernauld, and employees of HM Revenue and Customs. Through the windows in Mortimer's one can see Cumbernauld's most popular shopping attraction - Poundland, which is actually far more up-market than the pub.
Cumbernauld is host to two nightclubs - 'Papa Doc's', which is a dive, or 'Sax', which is a dive. Both establishments, despite being re-branded and re-named over the years (currently 'The Basement' and 'Love2Love' respectively) are still known by these original names. Both are excellent places to catch STDs.
For most part, the best entertainment you will get is Pub Quiz, usually Thursday night. Alternatively you could do a bit of people watching and spot neds wearing identical foreign football tracksuit, Berghaus jacket and baseball caps hanging about outside. If you can see them through the cloud of smoke, as victims of the smoking ban self inflicting cancer stand outside, you will be doing well though.
Following closure of the Ice House, Hollywood Bowl and the cinema (25 years ago), Cumbernauld has always lacked non-pub entertainment venues. The longest standing one is obviously Cumbernauld Theatre. This has a massive capacity of 258, and hosts the Cumbernauld Theatre Company. The company boasts on their website of legendary productions such as "Salt O' the Earth," "Bold Girls," "Like a Virgin" and "Losing Alec." That pretty much sums up Cumbernauld - Salt O' The Earth refers to the grit on the pavements, even in the middle of summer. Bold Girls are obviously about Greenfaulds burds. Like a Virgin - every girl in Cumbernauld is like a virgin because none actually are virgins any more. Losing Alec is a tale about staggering out of the dancing and losing your best mate in the crowd in a drunken haze.
The leader in sports entertainment in Cumbernauld is Clyde FC, a team of gypsies who were rejected by almost every other town in Scotland, but tolerated in Cumbernauld as the existing blight and degradation in the area meant that the pikey scumbag Clyde supporters went largely unnoticed for several years. By this time it was too late. The "Bully Wee" as they are nicknamed are a Scottish First Division side, managed by John Brown, who was once Telly Savalas's stunt double in "Kojak". Clyde have been based in Cumbernauld since 1994, when they moved into Broadwood Stadium. Rumours currently abound that the Gyppos will be kicked out of the stadium at the end of the season, due to financial inadequacies. Potential uses for the dormant stadium include turning the stadium into a Jade Goody memorial lampshade shop. The stadium is not yet complete thanks to North Lanarkshire Council's broken promises, but work is scheduled to take place in time for the 2056 world cup which will be held in Scotland. Clyde have no superstars or household names playing for them at the moment but in the past have had such footballing luminaries as Joe Tortolano, Roddy Hunter, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Alan Carr, Marilyn Monroe, Mika and William Shakespeare on the books. Today's team is nowhere near the standards set by those great men, but is the best Cumbernauld has to offer, although recently Jorg Albertz also had a brief stint at the club, as part of a bet to stay in Cumbernauld for 2 months without going on a killing spree, whether he won the bet or not is subject to speculation, rumour has it he killed 14 people with a single free kick, but many remain skeptical. The only alternatives are Cumbernauld United or Cumbernauld Cosmos. The danger with watching Cosmos is that a lone male going to watch young girls in shorts kicking each other on a muddy field at Ravenswood will probably land you in the cells.
[edit] Famous People
- Tubs from the League of Extremely Horny Gentlemen
- Stewart McNair - Future Famous Farmaciser (he likes JAM!!!)
