Curling

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An artist rendition of Ken Shamrock (The World's Most Dangerous Man) at the 2006 Winter Olympic Games dressed in a Silver Surfer costume in a vane attempt to regain entry into international Curling play. He was shot by police as he fled the scene.

Curling is a sport which was invented by Guglielmo Marconi and is considered one of the most physically demanding sports in the Olympic games. Curling is most often played in Canada (aka "Teh Pwn"). The curlers throw granite stones (called stones) down lanes of ice (called ice) and broomers(called Janitors) try to sweep away dust from the ice in a vain effort to cause the ice to change to water(called Jesus, except I think he did that with wine or something). Shortly afterwards someone will throw up. Subsequently the mighty god Thor (called Thoranasaurus Sex) becomes enraged and shoots the curlers with Alaskan Malamutes. However, curling has become widely known as the second most boring sport to watch on television, narrowly losing to golf.

Curling for Dummies[edit]

Curling is basically a stupid "sport" invented when a bunch of drunk, gay teenagers walking on a frozen lake with big stones and brooms trying to pleasure each other sexually. After that didn't work they left behind the brooms and rocks which were later found by a bunch of drunk Canadians who promptly invented the game. A curler will push a polished rock down an ice lane while his life partners (or gay equivalent) use brooms to try to make the ice in front of the rock melt, therefore using magic to make the stone go farther and land in a target for points. This cost two white mana. The "team" (group of high or possibly drunk teenagers or 40 year old men who live with their Canadian mothers), that scores the most points win. If a country other than Canada wins curling, they are brutally tortured and murdered by the Canadian Secret Police (KGB).

Basic Rules[edit]

Every game is started with a triple headed coin toss. Very few teams lose the coin toss by guessing tails. The game is divided into seven quarters, with each quarter lasting 2.3543 minutes or three "outs" whichever comes first. Both teams consists of exactly 365 pounds of players (366 pounds during leap year). The most important rule of Curling is to be as drunk as possible before the first period. The first team to score sixteen hurls wins. A hurl is when you throw up. You are allowed to use brooms (called brooms) to make hurls go faster. Each team can have two people to use the brooms. (called Janitors) Every curling team has to have a cheerleading group which consists of 9-23 hairy Inuit women dressed only in kilts. Groups must perform one macarena or two lambada performances during a match and are judged on both an interpretation as well as technical score from 0.0 to a perfect 7.94. For nations which don't have women, like Swedes, it is allowed to replace the cheerleading group with a drunk parrot and a karaoke-machine. The only songs that the parrot is allowed to sing are from the Backstreet Boys. Highest score possible is given when the parrot sings "Show me the meaning" at a 50.0% blood alcohol level.

Curling in the Olympics[edit]

In the 2006 Winter Olympics in Toledo, Italy, the sport of Curling reached a new height of global popularity when the United States team performed an illegal "Agent Orange" move against the Netherlands' heavily favored Curling team, and was disqualified. The coach of the American team was subsequently hanged.

In the 2004 Summer Olympics, another variant of curling was tested. In the summer version, the ice was changed to bowling lanes, the stones were replaced by bowling balls, and the broomers wore rollerskates. Many people died. The US team, Californian Red Skaterz who had previous been Roller Girls, won the tournament by scoring the only hurl in the whole olympics. The hurl came most unexpectedly in the 34th extra time, against the Saudi Arabian team, on the 6th of September, just a few months after the Olympics ended. There are rumours that another summer-curling will be included in 2008.

In the 2002 Winter Olympics the Australian team, lead by world famous Ken Shamrock (The World's Most Dangerous Man), was disqualified for using non-alchoholic beer. The "Undoping Scandal" sent shockwaves thought the Curling community and forced mandatory blood alcohol levels at all international events.

In the 1998 Winter Olympics, the Scottish curling team froze too death when they misjudged a butchers freezer for a curling pitch.

Things You Didn't Konw About Curling[edit]

A lot, really.

In ancient times, the game was known to use human skulls along a faeces covered floor - however this play was abandoned when the rules were re-discovered back in 1975.

The Scottish team rose from the dead as zombies and are now official mascots for Coca-Cola in Scotland

Chuck Norris doesn't brush the ice, the ice moves for Chuck.

Street Curling[edit]

A newfangled type of curling. Invented by some scrawny kid. It takes place in Canada during the winter. It's a game much like tag, but instead, the curlers bludgeon each other in the face with the curling rocks. It also takes place in the ghetto. penis

Famous Curling Teams[edit]