A cyclone is a weather phenomenon that causes extreme winds in a tight whirling pattern that typically preys on trailer parks and unsuspecting cows. Cyclones are often known as tornadoes, a Spanish word meaning "fuuuuuuuuck." Or twister which derives from the Greek word meaning "Ohshitgetinthehouse." Cyclones are usually found in areas where there are Tornado Sirens and in the country with no other distinguishing characteristics. Tornadoes eat babies and live in or near trailer parks.
If you wish to be conveyed by a tornado to a more interesting location, such as Oz, it is best if you are a young and gullible girl. Do not -- repeat, do not click your ruby slippers together. That will return you to a dull and dusty death.
- Cock-Eyed Bob - British. WTF! What were they thinking. What would possess anyone to use that term, I'm sure some Brit thought this a good description at the time, right after the tornado prison raped him into an unconscious state. What a bunch of morons, no wonder they lost the war.
- Tastu Maki - Japan. The Japanese have tornadoes? right whatever. Stick to earthquakes.
- Anemostruvilos - Greek. The Greek word for Anal Sex and Tornado are hauntingly similar, I guess it's all about gay sex to the greeks anyway.
- Tromba d'aria - Italian. Ancient Italian word meaning "Wind that cleanses the land of scum" Guess they had mobile homes back then too.
- Iomghaoth - Scotland. By the time you get this word out, you're dead.
- Lung geng fong - Chinese. I'll have the Crab Rangoon and some Egg Drop Soup with that please.
- Pitay it ai'nt my cowsin. - American. ...Eww
The early years
The earliest known account of a cyclone in the world dates back as far as 1973, when the governor of Massachusetts described a "Gust" along the coast. He referred to the gust as "Latonya", thus beginning the institution of naming hurricanes. Cyclones and tornadoes were frequently described during the next two centuries, gaining popularity as catastrophic events that were difficult to disprove even when nobody else saw them, thus beginning the institution of Insurance Fraud. By the mid-nineteenth century, cyclones surpassed gluttonous dogs as a leading cause of lost homework. People are scared of them because they look like huge penises flying through the air.
By the late 1600s a French scientist living in Massachusetts, Auguste LePeu, recorded a rap video that advanced his theory that tornadoes were being caused by Witches casting evil spells on the men they were having affairs with. To punish these hot looking young witches a new form of punishment grew in popularity for these Tornado Witches as they were called. After any tornado, regardless of size or destruction, these young virgin witches were taken to the public square where they were stripped naked and forced into stocks for a period of 24 hours. This practice, referred to by colonists as Bondage and Domination, quickly caught on for personal use after the practice was outlawed in 1720. Sales of stocks surged for the next 200 years, until interrupted by the Stock Market Crash of 1929.
The Age of Reason
By 1800 scientists agreed that tornadoes were an Act of God against poorly constructed low cost housing used by migrant laborers in the south. Called "moving houses" because of their ability to move with the workers as they went wherever there was work, their use was banned in many states, whose leading citizens preferred those people to keep their distance.
In 1860 one brave scientist from Kansas, Freidrich Van Vyfvinkel, determined that tornadoes were a climatic event caused by what he called a "supercell" where winds cause a "funnel" to form a low pressure area which causes more air to be sucked in which feeds the tornado even more. Mr. Vyfvinkel theorised that cold dry polar air would meet warm moist air thus creating the conditions to create a thunderstorm capable of producing a tornado. Claiming that the tornadoes were a random natural event unrelated to any man or man made structure, Mr. Vyvinkel tried to submit his findings to the governor of Kansas on May 1st 1861 but was promptly arrested. The governor, one of the originators of the Intelligent Design theory, denounced Mr. Vyfvinkel as a heretic for his anti-God ramblings, and warned scientists to "stop pissing off God with these wicked, unscriptural ideas -- or he'll send a tornado for sure."
Recent scientific studies have shown that tornadoes are commonly formed when differents winds varying in temperature find a hole in the space-time continuim, flying up into the clouds in a thunderstorm as a result. The winds then make their way back down to the ground in the shape of a swirling fuck of death. But that isn't just any swirling fuck of death, that's a tornado!
How to rate a tornado
With the institution of the Fujita Scale scientists were given a way to rate tornadoes. Prior to the Fujita Scale, scientists just rated the tornado based on damage and gave it a name, but now they have a way to categorize each tornado based on several factors. The following is a list of both the Fujita scale and the accompanying term used prior to the scale:
- F0 - Also known as a sissy or girlie man tornado, these wimpy tornadoes will only break branches off trees and knock over little children, and are usually only found in Rhode Island. An F0 tornado can reach winds of up to 72 miles an hour resulting in hours of hilarity as you watch small animals enjoy a trip across town.
- F1 - Known as the Nazi Tornado, these tornadoes will reach wind speeds of up to 112 mph and knock mobile homes over, wipe out homeless shanties and in general just bug the crap out of minorities and the poor. These tornadoes, because of their evident prejudice, have been the focus of ongoing lawsuits by the ACLU, NAACP, SPCA, Rainbow Coalition and Scientologists. A team of federally appointed lawyers for the defendant, GOD, have spent years requesting continuances due to the fact that their client has refused to show up in federal court and tornadoes keep destroying every courthouse that hears the case.
- F2 - Known as the White Trash Relocater, these tornadoes can reach wind speeds of up to 157 mph and will either move that unsightly mobile home out of the area or just flatten it into an unrecognisable scrap heap, either way doing everyone a favour.
- F3 - Known as The Punisher, these babies can reach wind speeds of up to 206 mph and will rip everything in their path a new asshole. These tornadoes can flatten Kansas churches regardless of how well built, even as neighbouring blasphemous states that teach evolution remain unscathed. This does NOT disprove Intelligent Design, it just demonstrates once again the tremendous magnetic effect of those damn mobile homes.
- PG-13 - Parents strongly cautioned.
- R18 - Adult content only (too windy)
- F4 - Known as a "GYSOT" or (Get You Some Of That) Tornado, these tornadoes can reach wind speeds of 260 mph and if you're in its path, stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye. F4 Tornadoes can devastate entire towns and show no racial bigotry, they find EVERYONE to be equally worthless. In an isolated incident some dumbass in Oklahoma tried to file suit against Mother Nature for sending a F4 tornado through his farm and destroying everything. God was not amused. The result the following day was...
- F5 - Known as an "Eraser" Tornado, as its name implies, it erases everything in its path. Until Kansas adopted Intelligent Design, their state led the nation in F5 tornadoes, but none have been recorded in there since. God still hates Kansas, he's just lulling them into a false sense of security; when he's ready, this is what will happen:
- F6 - Known as "The Final Solution" Tornado, these tornadoes are known to develop out of the F1 type. They can reach wind speeds of up to 379 mph. As this has never happened we are not truly sure who God hates, but we are pretty sure it's Kansas, although he may be having more fun letting them inbreed and watching them teach Intelligent Design while they de-evolve, or as they prefer to call it, re engineer intelligence negatively.
- VFT - Known as "The Vagina Firing Tornado" (Not be be confused with Tornado Firing Vagina), these tornadoes are usually traced back to the source of a facility cleverly disguised as a pork rind factory somewhere in the Middle East. This species of tornado is typically not as destructive as it is disgusting, and requires massive amounts of effort to mop up all vaginal pathogens before the crustification stage.
How to survive a Tornado
Now, it seems that some people have taken up residences in places like Tornado Alley and other places where a tornado is proven to be very likely to strike. I don't know where these places are, but I'm sure the internet does. Find out if you do, quick! If so, this may be valuable information to you:
Step 0: Get away from the Tornado Sirens! If you hear them, GET AWAY! When they blow, that means they are forming a tornado! This step you should have already memorized before step 1!
Step 1: Fucking haul ass out of there. You know how to avoid a whirling fuck of death? Move the hell away from where whirling fucks of death occur.
Now, on the off chance that you're unable to move the fuck out of there, either because you can't read the valuable info in step one or because you're poor or attached to your worthless plot of dirt, I've compiled some useful info you might benefit from reading:
Step 2: Get a HOUSE or go to a Wal-Mart. Move out of that fucking home-mobile. The problem with these white-trash containers is that they aren't exactly anchored to the ground by anything except tooth-paste, a layer of filth, and gravity. Tornado>those. What you want is something that is actually attached to the ground. Can a house stand up to a tornado? no it's probably gonna be trashed. Can a house be ripped out of the ground and whirled around in gale-force winds? yeah, but it's not as likely as your fucking trailer. Remember-- if you end up getting sucked into the whirling void of death then you're fucked, nice knowing you.
Step 3: Don't go out there when the wind stops you stupid asshole. Tornados have a hollow part in the middle where the wind doesn't go. It's pretty calm there. If a tornado passes directly over you, you're going to be inside this at some point. HOWEVER, as Fig.1 explains== this isn't the best time to go for a walk.
As you can see, it's still time to hunker the fuck down. There's swirling death still around. Shit is not going too well at this point. So settle the fuck down and read a book or something. And no you can't just hang onto a flag pole like in king of the hill-- he lost his fucking underwear. Do you want that? hunh? Everyone will see your pencil dick and that'd suck. So sit the fuck down.
Step 4: So you think everything is good, right? You're waiting for the storm to pass, your house isn't too wrecked, things are going pretty well. Then your stupid fucking dog/children/baby/wife/friend gets sucked out a window and into the slaughterfest outside. Well, normally you might be thinking: sucks to be them. But this is a stressful situation and you may for some god-forsaken reason decide to go after them. This will lead to your death. Unless you have nothing to live for or like child porn, I would suggest taking a very important pre-emptive measure-- namely killing everyone you hold dear. Sure, this may seem a bit hard-core but hear me out: they won't die via the hurricane that may eventually come for you AND you get to go to jail, and those things are built stronger than your fuckin' house. So it's just better for everyone.
Step 5: Stealing shit. When the storm passes, I would suggest looting. You can get shit for real cheap when walls have been knocked down and all the officials are too busy saving people to stop you! Besides, when else are you going to be able to afford a plasma TV and all the noodles you can eat! Also lots of people are dead so it's not like they need it any more, am I right? You stood up to a fucking tornado so you've got a right to that shit, I'll be damned if you're leaving empty-handed.
Tornadoes are often criticized for destroying public property, stealing livestock, and making racist comments. In popular opinion tornadoes aren't well liked, although in 2007 a student at Brainerd University spoke for many when he said, "DUDE, TURN ON THE CAMERA! IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! WOOOOOOO! THIS IS THE COOLEST THING EVER!" shortly before being killed.