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Dullards and Dragons Online[edit]

DDO designer Davey "Da Playah" Hamlish mugging for the camera after a successful Harbor quest with his level 2 barbarian "Death Dealer"

DDO or Dullards and Dragons Online is a new generation of what is referred as MMNOWOT (Massively Mind Numbing Online Waste Of Time). The game's basic premise is the same as other online fantasy games where you assume the role of a character in an online fantasy world and interact with other people online to achieve goals, gain experience and receive loot from your conquests.


Founders of the DDO gamers club, from left to right, Scotty "Shredder" Smith, Louis "Destructor" Little, Charles "Hippy Healer" Finney and Freddy "Singer" Taylor

Designers of DDO realized they could tap into a cash cow market overlooked by other on-line games. The general perception of on-line gamers is that of socially crippled loner types incapable of finding or maintaining friendships, dates or lovers. These 16-30 year old males find desperate acceptance in a virtual world where they are admired and sometimes even worshipped for their experience, equipment and game knowledge. For these players rejecting a reality that has rejected them is as simple as closing themselves in a darkened basement for 12 to 14 hours a day living vicariously through their "Toons" in a fantasy world where they are hailed as hero's and God's as they navigate their way through a series of quests with fellow players in search of ever increasing challenges and the all too elusive, "high end loot" that keeps them glued to thier monitors for days at a time. DDO realized that their target market was still the 16-30 year old male social orphans, but they also recognized that Dullards and Dragons afficionados from the original game from back in the 70's were now aging 40 and 50 year olds with reduced sex drives and shattered dreams. It was this group of losers that DDO quickly marketed to and was quick to pick up on as they launched their dream of an on-line Dullards and Dragons World.

Creating a Character[edit]

DDO like other on-line games gibes you a wide range of races and classes to choose from. It is from these selections that the truly dedicated DDO player begins their new life in a virtual world of Power, Sex, Money and Honor.

Choosing a Race[edit]

Unlike other on-line games, DDO offers an extensive choice of races to choose from.

  • Undefined Sex - This class is most associated with the Bard but can be used for other classes if the right skill set is selected. This race recieves no bonuses or special abilities as it is impossible to determine thier sex.
  • Human - The least popular race of DDO, the Human can play any class relatively well but not great and can interact best with NPC's within the game. Due to the Human's nature as outgoing, personable and friendly very few are found in the world of DDO. Human's recieve the special ability "Win Quest" which, when activated, automatically wins whatever quest the player is involved in. This ability can only be activated once a day and automatically boots the player and locks the account for 24 hours so the player can go outside and experience some natural light every so often.
  • Undead - By far the most popular race in DDO, the undead can play any evil class in the game, but excel as casters due to thier arcane abilities.
  • The French - Almost as popular as the Undead, The French account for the lion's share of backstabbers on every server. The French receive bonuses to Retreat, surrender, switch sides and is the only race that can attack their own party (Also known as the Vichy move). The French begin the game with the special ability "White flag waving" which can save them from death if an enemy has the upper hand on the group. Enabling this ability immediately and permanently wipes aggro from the character, is irresistible by the mob and if any member of the party is still alive will cause the mob to inflict a "Death Touch" move on the closest party member instantly killing him and permanently de-leveling him. As you can imagine The French are not very popular to group with but are a necessary component of every group as no mission can be completed without The French in the group, not because they do anything important toward completing the mission, (although a successful backstab by the French automatically kills the mob, no matter the level or hitpoints, because if you allow yourself to be injured by the french, you deserve to die.) but because they act as a handicap to the group and keep groups from becoming too powerful. The French do not level or gain experience like normal "Toons" but rather gain experience based on the number of "Group Wipes" they cause. A high level French Backstabber can be a deadly ally as they gain even more special abilities that hinder the group as they adventure "Tactical retreat", "Unwashed stench" and "refusal to communicate" are just some of the more high level abilities the French employ to cripple the groups ability to complete their missions.
  • Airline Manager - Slightly more popular a race choice than Humans, the Airline Manager almost exclusively is used as a Rogue. Thier ability to sneak around unseen, backstab, bluff and manipulate makes them ideal scouts and traitors. Regardless of class choice, the Airline Manager begins the game with low intelligence, negative charisma, no wisdom and no strength. The only attributes a Airline Manager has is +10 to stealth, +20 to hide and +30 to kissup. No other race in the game can "kissup" to the mobs like the Airline Manager can and this ability can allow the Airline Manager to "Bluff" the mob into thinking he is on thier side until the Airline Manager siezes the oportunity to "Backstab" the mob using the "Traitor" ability. For purposes of alignment the Airline Manager is always neutral as thier inability to make a correct decision restricts them from being either good or evil.
  • AssClown - The AssClown is a Pure Good race of stocky built highly colorful people who enjoy over eating and fighting. Thier alignment and attributes make them perfect choices for the Paladin or Fighter classes. The AssClown begins life with bonuses to Strength and Charisma and depending on class choice can also recieve bonuses to Wisdom and Dexterity. The AssClown can be heavily armored, can use any weapon with ease and can easily learn increasingly damaging figting skills as they gain experience. One of the special abilities the AssClown recieves is the "Insubordination" ability. This ability, when activated, allows the AssClown to attack the Airline Manager, if the Airline Manager is in "Traitor" mode. The advantage to this ability is that should the AssClown destroy the Airline Manager before they "Cool Down" from "Traitor" mode, the entire party (With the exception of Airline Manager and The French) recieves 5000 experience points and is given thier choice of a random reward upon completing the quest.
  • Alcoholic - The Alcoholic race is primarily used for clerics and healers. They recieve bonuses to heal, repair and alcohol tolerance. Thier skill at holding thier liquor keeps them in a constant state of "Comfortably Numb" and allows them to not only cast, but to fight even while taking massive amounts of damage. While in thier drunken state damage to Strength, Wisdom, Constitution and Intelligence are negated by the special ability "Liquored Up". While the Alcoholic is "liquored up" they still take damage, it just doesn't make any difference to them and they can just keep going uninterupted until either death or they sober up.

Choosing a Class[edit]

After choosing a Race, it is now time to choose a class for your "Toon". Like race, DDO has many different classes to choose from and each comes with its own strengths and weaknesses so choose carefully.

  • Paladin - A pure good class the Paladin is a holy fighter who lives to fight for thier cause. Paladins can only be of Good alignment and is a hybred caster. An excellent choice for race for a Paladin would be either AssClown or Human as these races recieve bonuses to Strength and Charisma making them not only excellent fighters, but casters as well. There is a line of thinking that an Alcoholic Paladin is the best combination of Race and Class, there might be some truth to this due to the Alcoholics ability to remain in his drunken stupor and brush off attacks and damage, but only time will tell. Some of the Class traits of the Paladin are, Immune to the Vichy Move, increased damage to Undead and evil aligned creatures. +10 to "traitor" spot checks, while the Airline Manager is in "Traitor" mode the Paladin has an added chance to Spot him before the rest of the group can and eliminate the threat for the good of the group.
  • Cleric - The Cleric is the healer of the group and can be of any alignment. The Cleric is a versitile class and works well as almost any race due to the Cleric's class strenghts. The only race that serves as somewhat of a detriment to the Cleric is the Airline Manager. Due to the Airline Manager's inability to make a correct decision and thier negative attributes to strength, constitution, charisma, intelligence and wisdom the Clerics positive strengths cannot offset the Airline Managers inherant negative traits and make the Airline Manager a poor choice for a Cleric. Some of the Clerics class traits are "Dispel stupidity", "Group Heal except the French" (this particular class trait is useful in the respect that it does not require the cleric to have to think about the French and he can concentrate on healing the members of the party that matter) and "Cloak of the German", this special ability gives either The French or The Airline Manager the illusion of Strength, Bravery, Courage and Intelligence, while under the "Cloak of the German" the French and The Airline Manager maintain thier race and class traits but allow them to operate as a fully functional member of the party capable of actually contributing to the parties quest.
  • Rogue - One of the more versitile classes in DDO is the Rogue. Thier importance to the party is dependant upon the quest itself, however, a rogue can be of great value to any party. Due to the Rogue's nature as a Scout, thier ability to disarm traps and the deadly ability "Backstab", The Rogue value to a party is unquestioned. A Rogues natural choice of race is almost always Airline Manager, but a Rogue can also be successful as The French. Either as The French or Airline Manager Rogues recieve the following class bonuses, +10 to trap disarm, blinding speed retreat and +20 to hide and sneak. In addition to these bonuses the Rogue recieves the following special abilities. "Dissapear", (This ability can be activated at any time before, during or after battle and while in this mode no mob can see the rogue. This ability is important and can save the rogue from death, unfortunately for the group when the rogue activates this ability during battle every mob engaged in the battle immeadiately aggro's to the Cleric and can not be pulled off until the Cleric dies or the group kills the mobs.) "Rez me, random death" (This ability will rez the rogue once a day at full health and no loss of xp, but will kill and permanently de-level a random "Toon" a random number of levels somewhere across the server. The victim of this ability will recieve a message indicating who caused his death and gives this person the inate ability to permanently "PK" or player kill the rogue at will as long as the rogue exists on the server.) and "Poor Bastard" (When the Rogue activates this ability he is guaranteed to disarm the trap he is working on, however, there is a small chance that the trap will randomly go off on a party member instantly killing him and making him unrezzable for the remainder of the quest.) Many players have complained of the Rogues negative image they have garnered because of the havoc they create for parties, but, we at DDO feel that the positive attributes the Rogue gives a party far outweighs the negative aspects that exist.
  • Meat Shield - The Meat Shield is a pure fighter and exists for only one reason, to take all the damage the mobs have to deal out. The Meat Shield can be made up of any race, but the optimal race for the Meat Shield is the AssClown. The Meat Shield recieves bonuses to "Blind Faith" and "Reflex Mastery", in addition to this the Meat Shield is the only class that recieves both positive and NEGATIVE class specific traits. One of the Meat Shields negative class traits is the "Running Blind" trait. This trait is a passive trait and causes the Meat Shield to run blindly into areas where traps and mobs could instantly kill them, although this can be very annoying to the group, the Meat Shield could care less because one of thier Positive traits is "The 10 second rez". This ability can be activated 10 times per day and allows the Meat Shield to be auto rezzed in 10 seconds without a cleric, this ability gives the Meat Shield unbelievable courage and allows him to fight without fear until the very end.
  • Habitual Liar - The Habitual Liar is one of the most important classes in the game. The Habitual Liar can only be Evil aligned and his importance is crucial to any group as his primary function is to run ahead of the group and lie to the mobs in an attempt to confuse, misdirect and frustrate them to the point that the mobs are easily killed due to thier state of confusion and frustration. The Habitual Liar is neither a fighter nor a caster and recieves no bonuses to strength, wisdom, constitution, dexterity or concentration, however the Habitual Liar has the highest Charisma in the game as he must be believable to the mobs if he is to be a successful liar. The Habitual Liar cannot wear armor or use any weapons as these would serve to only reduce his high Charisma. Some of the Class traits the Habitual Liar recieves is "Web of Lies" and "Oxygen Deprivation". The "Web of Lies" ability can only be activated 2 times a day but allows the Habitual Liar to weave a series of lies together that make no sense whatsoever, activating this ability allows him to lie to the mobs to the point the mob becomes so confused by all the conflicting lies that he may just commit suicide in an attempt to escape from the Habitual Liar, this abillity is usually saved for the highest level "Named" mobs as this ability, if successful could make the final fight as easy as just running into the room as the mob kills himself. Activating the Oxygen Deprivation ability allows the Habitual Liar to speak for hours at a time without actually taking a breath, the mob upon being unable to get a word in either attacks the Habitual Liar outright or runs away in a state of madness that allows the rest of the party to casually destroy the mob at thier leisure. The Habitual Liar may play any race with the exception of the AssClown, but the optimal choice for the Habitual Liar is the French as the French are generally viewed as weak and no threat to the mob whatsoever.
  • Wizard - The Wizard is a pure caster and can be of any race and any alignment. The Wizard is a damage machine as everything he casts is destructive in nature. No party can truly do without a Wizard as his nukes can destroy mobs with one cast. Do to his need for high intelligence, wisdom and charisma it is recommended that the Wizard choose either the Human, indeterminant sex or the undead, however, as a Wizard advances he can overcome some negative attributes of the Airline Manager should you choose that as your race.
  • Bard- The Bard is a jack of all trades, he can perform many functions of both casters and fighters, with the only exception being that a Bard cannot actually melee as his armor class and fighting abilities are too low. Due to the Bards customary look of gayness, it is recommended that anyone playing the Bard use the Indetermanent sex as this has no real advantage or disadvantage associated with the race. The Bard's true purpose in any group is to so offend mobs that they become ill at the very sight of them thus reducing thier ability to fight and defend. At higher levels the Bard can devistate mobs with thier influential songs. Songs such as "You make me Horny Baby" and "You sexy thing you" so sickens the mobs that they projectile vomit until they collapse. The only downside to the Bard is when they run across a mob that is either unaffected by the Bards tunes or a mob saves against the Bard songs and becomes violently enraged and attacks the Bard, a mob in this state will attack the Bard until one of them dies, unfortunately for the Bard, a mob in this state recieves a doouble armor class bonus, double hit points, and recieves double resistance to all spells. In this state the mob is virtually indestructable and the party is left to just watch and laugh as the mob pounds the Bard into nothing but pulp. Upon the Bards death the mob goes into a state of exhaustion and is easily beaten with nothing more than a spoon. To keep the Bard from becoming to powerful, should the bard die from a mob that went into a beserker frenzy, there is a 5 percent chance that the bard recieves the "Prison Raped" penalty for one week of actual game time. In this state, the bard is incapable of running, all thier songs effectiveness are reduced by half and the Bard is sickened by "Poisoned Butt Pirate" which lowers the Bards saves by half against all spells. "Prison Raped" can only be healed by the highest level Cleric spell "Save Soul from Damnation", however, should the spell fail (The spell istself has only a 10 percent success rate), a random character on the server is instantly killed and is de-leveled by 3 levels. In addition to this, the account with the bard gets flagged with "Prison Bitch" and every character on that players account, regardless of server or character, gives up 30 percent of all loot to the account of the player whose character was killed and de-leveled, this change is permanent and the Bard's account can only be de-flagged if the other account is closed or the other player releases the Bards account from "Prison Bitch" status.